I feel sick to my stomach because this is the first time she’s said that where I don’t believe it.
Because I’m a fucking piece of shit.
She leans up, pressing her lips to mine, and I force any thoughts of Teagan out of my head. Meghan has given me everything.
Meghan has been the one who has loved me.
She chose me and continues to do so.
Whatever is going on in my head needs to stop. It’s not real. It’s fear because everything is changing. It has to be that because otherwise I’m not the person I thought I was, and I can’t accept that.
I cup her cheeks and kiss her back. After a few seconds, I rest my head against hers and feel calmer. Meghan is my wife, and I love her. “I’m sorry.”
She lifts her head. “Just talk to me. You don’t have to do this alone, you know?”
“I know.”
“I get being scared, believe me, but when I start to feel that way, I remember that I have you and as long as we’re together, we’ll be okay.”
“You’re so much smarter than me,” I say with a smirk.
“I’m glad you learned this early.”
I pull her tighter to me, and she wraps her arms around my middle. This is what I need to focus on. Her. Us. Our family. Not a delusion I’ve conjured up with someone who doesn’t feel the same about me.
* * *
It’s been a long week. I’ve had a bunch of tests, one I know I bombed, but I couldn’t focus. Meghan and I are having dinner tonight, though. I promised her that once I got through my exams, we’d have more time together because I’m determined to make this work.
She is my wife, and for better or worse, I’m going to be here beside her. I just have to get it together.
“Meghan?” I call out as I open the door to our apartment.
She doesn’t answer.
I toss my bag full of textbooks onto the floor and drop my keys on the entry table. Her keys are there, so I know she’s home.
“Meg?”
Still no answer.
Weird.
I head into the living room and she’s sitting on the couch with her legs crisscrossed and head down.
“Hey,” I say as I make my way to her. “Sorry I’m late.”
When her eyes meet mine, I stop moving. They’re red and puffy, and the pain in them is clear as day.
“What’s wrong?” I’m instantly worried about her and the baby. “Are you okay?”
She shakes her head. “I’m not.”
Worry fills me, pushing me toward her. I tug her to me and hold her tight. Her body starts to shake, and my own fear grows. Something is terribly wrong and whatever it is has her devastated.
“Talk to me.”
Meghan shoves out of my embrace. She reaches behind her and pulls out a leather-bound black journal.
Time stops, because I know now what has her devastated. I’ve written in that journal the last two years—including last week.
“I want to talk.” She sniffs. “I want to talk and ask you things, but I don’t know that I need to because it’s all here.”
No longer is worry my primary emotion, now it’s mixed with anger. Those are my thoughts and feelings. I write because I have to get it out in a place that’s safe.
“In my private journal.”
“It was sitting on the counter, and I didn’t know what it was.”
A part of me doesn’t believe her because I’m never careless. I keep it in the same place so that it would never be found.
Hell, I’ve never told anyone other than Teagan I even keep a damn journal.
But now Meghan knows, and she read it. Without my permission.
“And then when you figured out what it was, you just kept reading?” I push.
A tear falls from her face, and my heart continues to pound to a beat that is so loud in my ears. I stand, needing to get some distance from her.
“I…I wasn’t…I know it was wrong!” She gets to her feet as well. “When I saw some of the…the things you said. Is this really what you feel? You want her? You wish Teagan was pregnant with your child?” She screams the words and the tears fall down her cheek.
I thought I felt that way. I thought maybe it was really what I wanted, but it’s not. I was confused. I wrote it down so I could get it out of my head and move on. At least that has to be the truth because otherwise I’m a fucking failure of a man.
“No! I was dealing with so much and I was fucked-up in the head. It’s not like that!”
“You wrote it, Derek!” She throws the journal at me. “You wrote it all here. You said you love her!”
Meghan’s pain is so deep, I can almost feel it. She’s hurt by what I wrote and rightfully so. I didn’t explain that after I wrote about it, I realized I was crazy.
“I do, but not that way! She’s my best friend.”
“No. No she’s not. You’re in love with her and I would bet my ass she’s in love with you, and you…you wrote about it. You want her.”
“I don’t,” I say as I step closer to her. “I want you. I married you! I love you, Meghan.”
She shakes her head in disbelief. “You said…”
“I know what I said but it wasn’t like that. I was so confused and mixed-up.” If I could just explain it to her, maybe she’d understand. “I saw Teagan for our lunch last week and it was different. I was different, and talking about the baby with her, she started crying, and then it was just…I don’t know, but I had to get it out and work through it. It was just my fears and being irrational.”
Meghan steps back. “Do you love Teagan that way?”
I can’t tell her. I can’t lose her and as much as it pains me to lie to her, it’s the only way I can spare her feelings even a little.
“No.”
“Have you ever?”
My eyes widen and as
