“I came to talk.”
“Then talk.”
The whole point to this unexpected visit is to lay out what happened better, but now that we’re here, looking at each other, I don’t know what to say.
How do I explain that my feelings for her were so deep I contemplated how to leave my pregnant wife? I don’t know if I ever would’ve left, but I know I had to walk away from Teagan to make sure I didn’t hurt everyone involved. It was the only way to save my marriage and even give Teagan a chance at a life that I couldn’t give her.
The thing is, even after all the time that’s passed, I still love her.
I’ve always loved her. From the first time we met on that beach after she tutored me when I was barely sixteen, I knew my life would forever be altered by Teagan Berkeley.
She had this light inside of her that cast a glow around you. You couldn’t help but want to bask in it, and when I was with her, I did.
It wasn’t just that she was beautiful, it was also how she made me feel when I was around her. Once she let me in, I never wanted out.
Now I’ve injured her, and I want to make it right.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I appreciate that wasn’t your intention, but it doesn’t change the fact that you did.”
There’s one part of this that has been bugging me…why did she walk away on the beach last night? Was it because Meghan asked that I stop seeing her? Or was it because I chose my wife? If I’m honest, I suspect it was my confession that I fell in love with her that made Teagan walk away.
“Why, though?”
“Why what?”
“Why did you say it was cruel to tell you the truth?”
Teagan shakes her head. “You were never stupid, Derek. Don’t pretend to be now.”
“You were also never this closed off and unwilling to tell me things.”
She bites her lower lip and looks away. “I wonder what could’ve made me this way?”
I deserved that. I’ve given her every reason to distrust me. “Why did me telling you the reason I had to end our friendship upset you so much?”
“Why do you need to know?”
“Because it doesn’t make sense.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
That’s where she’s wrong. “It matters to me. Why, Tea?”
Her green eyes study me. It’s as if she’s trying to see through me so she can be sure I’m not really this dense. “Because you say you realized you loved me, and your solution was to walk away from me. So easily. That’s not love. Not real love in a way that was actually meaningful.”
“You would’ve told me to leave my pregnant wife for my best friend who didn’t even like me that way? That would’ve been your solution?” Teagan’s arms drop as she pushes off the counter. Her head lifts to the ceiling and I can practically feel her anguish. “Tea?”
“I more than liked you, Derek. I loved you. Not just as a friend, but I loved you.”
My heart rate accelerates and I rack my brain for any indication she felt the same. There were no signs or even a hint that her feelings were more. If anything, she made it seem the opposite. Someone would joke that eventually we’d realize we were desperately in love, she’d laugh and say we had a better chance of hell freezing over. To me, it wasn’t even a possibility.
“You never said a word.”
She throws her hands up. “No shit I didn’t! I had all these plans to tell you and then something or someone else would be in our way. There was never a chance to say anything.”
Now it’s my turn to be pissed off. “You had plenty of chances.”
“When? When you told me about Meghan and that you were already in love with her? Or maybe when you were dating someone before her? Or what about right after I found out I was pregnant? No, none of those times worked because I would’ve been the worst person alive to have told you. I would’ve destroyed everything that made you happy. What would that have made me?”
“The person who loved me enough to tell me!”
The real answer is…hers. It would’ve made me hers. I’m livid. I’m not just angry she didn’t tell me. I’m pissed off at everything and everyone. I’m mad because if Meghan didn’t die, I wouldn’t be hearing this. I’m angry because if I could handle Everly and my dad wasn’t sick, I wouldn’t be here.
Then I could’ve spared us all of this hurt—again.
She crosses her arms over her stomach. “No, I loved you enough to let you be happy and not fuck your head up. I stood by your side at your wedding, wishing it was me in front of you. I wanted to beg you so many times to love me, but that would’ve been unkind. I didn’t think you felt the same and I wasn’t going to risk everything we had, not when I needed you.”
Now it’s my turn to step back. My jaw falls slack at her confession. “I never thought…”
“I wouldn’t let you. So you want to know why it hurt so much last night? Because after all these years of imagining you telling me you felt this way, I find out that it was a way for you to resent me. As if I ever did anything to deserve your hostility.” Teagan takes a step closer with unshed tears in her eyes, but they don’t fall. “I did everything to protect you so that I wouldn’t lose you. Having you as my best friend, even if I loved you more than you would ever know, was more important to me.”
“I didn’t want to lose you,” I tell her as I move closer. “I never wanted that.”
“You were the one who walked away.”
“I had no choice.”
“There’s always a choice, Derek. In fact, it was you who told me that. You chose to marry Meghan and
