When Nick finished his rounds, he dismissed the Guard to return to their families and stood near the main gate, to look out at the dirt road leading into the forest. Nick was so distracted by the nothingness that he was looking into that he didn’t hear anyone come up from behind him, but before she was close enough to be attacked in a defensive movement, Zara spoke up. “Looking for someone?”
He flinched slightly, but didn’t turn around, recognizing her voice. “No. Anyone I would be looking for is already here.”
“Mind if I join your walk?”
He didn’t look at her as he started off along the line of the fence, looking up at the sky and waiting for the moon to rise in the darkness. “Is there anywhere I could go in the compound where you would not still hear my thoughts anyway?”
“You know,” she started to say, bluntly. “You’re very defensive of something you traded for the chance to hear the thoughts of others. I am what I am.”
“I wasn’t challenging that.” He said calmly, looking over at her with a patient look in his eyes that almost didn’t mind her being around anymore. “I only meant to point out that you’re still with me, whether we walk together or not. If I minded your presence anymore, I would have to go a good deal further away than the edge of the compound.”
Zara sighed and continued walking with him, one hand running her pendant back and forth along the gold chain it hung on. She was constantly at war, these days, with all that went through her mind about Nick. It was hard to want someone that still kept her at arm’s length, even if he might not outright hate her any longer. “I enjoy walking with you. Being nearby.”
He looked over at her with his hands in his pockets, taking his time as he walked, knowing he wasn’t really planning on getting anywhere in the first place. “What is the Fulness usually like for you, Zara?” It was a rare question in two ways. First, because he was asking her something personal about herself, which he knew would only strengthen the bond between them in her favor, and second because he was actually using her name.
“It’s wonderful.” She said without looking at him. Zara walked on the side of him that was closest to the fence, and she ran her fingers across the metal as though she was caressing it as she walked. “The Fulness is the most fun when people share it with other people, be it friends during a fun game as wolves, or lovers. Regardless, it’s…intoxicating. There’s hardly any holding back for most, and while that may be chaos, it’s delicious chaos.”
“You’re one of the few who actually enjoys it for what it is, then.” He said darkly, looking at the fence as he actually felt her fingertips along it, having set much of it in place himself. It was his metal, owned by his power, and the connection there was something that almost made him shiver. “Most of us fear the loss of control. Especially the Turned among us who are forced to get used to it after a lifetime of not having to worry about it.”
“The only ones who fear the moon are the ones who still fear the wolf we truly are.” She grabbed a little tighter to the fence as she paused to look over at him. “How do you feel about it?”
He shrugged as he stepped a few feet past her before he stopped as well, looking out through the fence instead of at her. “It’s like you said. I am what I am. The Fulness is just another piece of what we are. No point trying to fight it. You can howl at the moon all you want, but it never listens.” It was an oft-repeated saying in every language among wolves, just one way they all shared the futility of trying to fight against their nature.
She looked out with a shake of her head. “How can you see your wolf as simply an inevitable part of you when it’s so much bigger than that? It’s not to be endured. It’s to be loved. Encouraged.” She wrapped her fingers through the fence so tightly that it was almost as if he could feel her pulse through it. “We come into the world as wolves and, Gods willing, we leave it as wolves.”
”You’d rather die giving than receiving, then?” He asked, since they could only give power while in their wolf, not take it in from the world around them.
“Is there a better way to die than to die giving yourself to something greater than yourself?”
He was quiet after that, but he knew even if he kept his silence, she would hear his honest answer anyway. “Yes. As an old wolf at the end of a good life, with six generations of your family gathered around you, maybe. A lifelong mate at your side waiting to die with you and put their soul to use along with yours in strengthening the steel of the world you’re leaving.”
Zara leaned into the fence and rested the side of her head against it as she looked over at him with a softened expression. “Okay, I agree. That’s a beautiful way to die.”
“Yes, it would be.” He looked her over once, then looked past her out between the slats of the fence. “Do you think either of us will get that chance?” He resolutely did not turn around to look in the direction of Aura’s house, though he
