Jacquie nodded. “Plus I wasn’t so happy anymore. I was tired. We didn’t talk much and it felt like Mitchell was a stranger. He’d always been quiet, but he’d gotten quieter. That day, Cole had colic, Brandon had chicken pox and I’d worked four hours that afternoon, bringing the kids here to my mom and picking them up again.”
“Even with one with chicken pox?”
“It was inevitable that they’d all get it and we’d had it.” She watched Pierce nod. “I’d been feeling like everything was my responsibility and I was in this raising-kids thing alone. I was angry.” She sighed. “I even argued with the police officer who called. It couldn’t be true. It had to be a joke—not a very funny one—or a mistake.”
Jacquie took a breath. “But it was true. At twenty-five, I was a widow with four kids under the age of seven, a crappy part-time job, living in a teeny apartment and suddenly I didn’t feel so lucky.” She placed the ring back in the sugar bowl and stared at it for a long moment. “I was so angry.” In this moment, it was easy to admit the truth. “I still am.” She looked up at Pierce, wondering what he’d make of that.
He studied her for a long moment. “Because you were cheated?”
The phone rang and she ignored it again.
She would say it.
Jacquie held Pierce’s gaze and bit off the words. “Because he chose it,” she said fiercely. “Mitchell chose to die.”
Eleven
“Nobody chooses...” Pierce began but Jacquie interrupted him.
“Mitchell was struck by a train in the subway station near the bank where he worked. He was supposed to be coming home, but instead, he jumped in front of the train.”
Pierce was visibly shocked. “He could have been pushed or tripped.”
“No. He jumped. There were four witnesses.”
“But why?”
“I don’t know.” She replaced the lid on the sugar bowl so hard that it clattered, then pivoted to take it back to the cupboard. “I still don’t know. I took off his ring because he betrayed me and he betrayed us. He chose to die, instead of trusting me with whatever was bothering him, instead of asking for help.” She was shaking when she turned around. “And so this ring is a reminder that things aren’t always the way you think they are. Sometimes, they’re a lot worse. Sometimes, the bottom can drop out of your universe without any warning at all.” She exhaled shakily. “Even when you think you’re already as low as you can be.”
Pierce put down the knife carefully. “That’s why you don’t want to have a relationship again.” His tone was carefully neutral but she didn’t think he understood completely.
“I couldn’t bear it,” Jacquie admitted, shaking her head and seeing her own tears fall. She brushed them away with impatience. “I couldn’t be surprised like that a second time and survive it. I won’t put myself in that position again.”
“You’re still in love with him,” Pierce said quietly.
“No.” Jacquie shook her head and he glanced up. “Still mad, still disappointed, but not still in love.” She tapped her fingers on the counter and spoke quickly. “My son Brandon said I’m afraid to get involved with you because you don’t talk about your feelings, because I could be surprised again.” She felt the weight of Pierce’s gaze but didn’t look up. “I don’t like to think of myself as a coward, but he might be right.”
“I’ll never commit suicide,” he said, his voice husky.
Jacquie took a breath and pointed to the scars on the inside of his forearms.
Pierce frowned with impatience. “I was sixteen,” he said, his words terse. “I was lost and I was troubled, but even then, I could have ended it if that had been my intention.”
She looked up to find his gaze snapping with anger.
“I will never make that choice,” he said. “It’s wrong.”
“And that wasn’t?”
“That was a cry for help. I was lucky that someone heard it and helped me get back on track.” He handed her the zester and the washed lemon, and Jacquie was glad to have something to do with her hands.
She worked and waited, recovering her composure, trusting that Pierce was going to confide in her. She could wait.
She would wait.
He finally spoke, his words terse. “I was sixteen. My brother was dead. My parents adored Drew. He wasn’t just the older son, he was the perfect son and the one who was going to fulfill all their dreams. Grief destroyed them.”
Jacquie nodded in understanding. His parents’ choice hadn’t been fair to him, but she doubted they’d seen that far. It made perfect sense to her that he’d acted out. “It’s compare and contrast, isn’t it?”
“What do you mean?”
“Cole was the perfect son and the darling youngest. Everyone made a fuss over him and he just smiled away, charming them all. Brandon couldn’t have told you that he was jealous, but he tested all of my limits when he was a teenager. He redefined wild. That child nearly drove me insane.”
“He worked out all right, though.”
“Yes. He did. He just needed to be appreciated for himself.” Jacquie held Pierce’s gaze until he nodded and returned to his shallots.
“I couldn’t be my brother. I couldn’t fill that gap.” He glared down at the cutting board. “My best friend was sent away to keep us apart and that was the last straw.”
“What?”
“The only thing our parents had in common was that they disapproved of Midori and me as a couple. We weren’t a couple. We were best friends, loners who hung out together. Buddies.”
Jacquie frowned. No one got sent away for having a friend. “What did you two do?”
Pierce winced. “Who else would either of us...experiment with?” He met her gaze, his own vehemently green. “No one’s feeling would get hurt and our curiosity would be satisfied. It seemed like a perfect plan.”
Jacquie shook her head, thinking that sounded like something Brandon would
