“Not really. Calculated risk, if that.”
“Calculated by who?”
“By me.” Pierce put down his fork. “This is what I do, Jacquie. It’s what I’m good at and you helped me realize not just what parts I like and don’t like, but what parts I can keep without taking it all on board again.”
Jacquie didn’t say anything.
She didn’t continue to eat either.
“Don’t like it?”
“It’s delicious. I just don’t have a lot of appetite anymore.” She was visibly troubled and he couldn’t figure it. He’d expected her to congratulate him, or leap at the chance to find out the truth.
“So, you can jump the line and be my first customer, before Farah.”
“I like the idea of being before Farah,” Jacquie said with heat. “But not that you’re doing this again.”
“Excuse me?”
“It’s not up to me,” she said, pushing to her feet and picking up her plate. “How you live your life is your choice.”
“But...” Pierce invited.
“I’m not confortable with what you do,” she confessed. “I don’t want guns in my home, and I don’t want what you do following you to me or to my kids.”
“It won’t.”
“You don’t know that.”
Pierce pushed his plate away. “Life is a risk, Jacquie. Every time you step out the door, something could happen to you. It could happen before you step out the door...”
She put her plate down hard. “You’re here because I like you, but I don’t like this, Pierce.”
“I don’t see how it matters.”
“You gave me your reassurance that you would never kill yourself. Don’t you see that the end result could be the same? If you have a dangerous occupation, if you choose that, you could have the future decided for you. I won’t do that again.”
“I didn’t think you were doing it again.”
“I—” She opened her mouth, then closed it again, and Pierce realized she’d been thinking of giving them a chance. Maybe only a short one, but that was more than he’d expected when he’d arrived.
“Say it,” he commanded.
“I could fall for you, but I won’t have that.”
Pierce was angry with her then, angry for her refusal to take a chance on them. “Then we’re done,” he said, getting up with his plate. He went to the kitchen and scraped the dishes, starting to wash up. “You can’t eliminate risk, Jacquie. The world isn’t like that.”
“My world has to be.”
“Then you’ll be alone, or you’ll be bored, because you refused to take a chance.”
“I’m making a calculated choice.”
“You’re acting out of fear,” Pierce countered hotly, more angry than he’d been in a long time. He didn’t bother to hide it, since Jacquie was so fond of honesty.
The phone rang again, but she didn’t move to answer it.
“You’ve been pushing me away for one reason or another all along because you’re afraid to be hurt again,” Pierce continued. “What would your mother think of that? The one who hopped on a plane and went to Europe then fell in love again? Would she be proud of your choice?”
Jacquie folded her arms across her chest and glared at him. “Leave her out of it.”
“She’s one of your ghosts, isn’t she? Ask her!”
“I’ll do the dishes,” she said tightly instead of replying. “So you can leave now.”
“Just because we disagree, I don’t have to leave.”
“Yes,” she said with finality, resolve in her eyes. “Yes, you do.”
Pierce exhaled, looking at her, seeing her fear and her determination. “I’m trying to change, to be the kind of man you could consider for a relationship,” he said. “I’m doing that because I’ve never felt like this before.” He appealed to her. “It’s not diminishing, Jacquie, because we have sizzle. We can make that sizzle grow and end up with something really special.”
“Says the man who’s never had a serious relationship.”
“Because I was waiting for this,” he protested but Jacquie frowned.
“Sizzle is just sexual desire,” she insisted, as if trying to convince them both.
“We have more than just sex.”
“It’s good sex but just sex. There can’t be more, not if you’re going back to that life.”
“Because you won’t take a chance,” Pierce said. “You won’t stretch for it. And to your credit, you made that clear from the outset. You have more reasons and justifications for walking away than for giving us a chance. I thought maybe I could take that as a challenge, maybe change your mind, maybe find the partner I’ve been seeking for as long as I can remember.” He tossed the dishtowel on the counter. “You’re happy to push me but you won’t meet me halfway. And that means I wish you luck here with your ghosts.” He saw Jacquie blink back tears but she didn’t look him in the eye or reach for him. The slightest gesture would have stopped him, but she didn’t make one. “Risk can be managed,” he informed her. “And that diminishes it.”
“I don’t think so.”
“That’s why you’re going to be alone here with your ghosts until you join them. And then what? Will you be glad you hid yourself away?”
“I’m not...”
“Yes, you are.” Pierce exhaled in frustration. “But I get it. The choice is yours and I will respect it.”
She eyed him warily. “I don’t believe in sizzle,” she whispered. “I don’t believe it lasts.”
“I’m convinced it does, but only if both parties defend it.”
She shook her head slowly and Pierce knew he’d done all he could to convince her.
He couldn’t leave without ensuring her safety, though. He doubted he’d ever be back. “Exit strategy,” he muttered under his breath and Jacquie’s confusion was obvious. “What’s your exit strategy from this apartment if there’s a fire?”
She blinked and looked around, then cleared her throat. He liked how well she pivoted to reply. “The windows were changed to casements five years ago because the residents’ association decided that was safer. There’s an escape ladder in the smallest bedroom and one of the building staircases is just to the left of the door.” She glared at him. “That kind of risk I can manage.”
“It’s a good start, but not enough.”
