Here recently it’s getting harder to get what I need from the simple little blade of a razor. I needed something different. I’d read about choking in one of my author’s books where the woman got off on being choked while the guy was screwing her.
I decided to try it, but by myself rather than during sex with someone because that was never going to happen.
Bringing my hands up to my neck, I wrap my fingers in the precise way the author wrote about and applied pressure. My breathing becomes harder to gather and my head grows light. I loosen my hands and immediately regret it as the high leaves me.
It’s not going to give me what I need in the same way the cutting does. Tears fill my gaze as I make a swift decision. I grab my grandpa’s old army knife. The blade on it was sharp and I could dig a little deeper with the tip. Stripping out of my yoga pants, I go into my bathroom and sit on the floor with a hand towel under my legs.
With my focus on the task at hand, I pierce the skin loving the burn that the cut makes. Lifting my head, I close my eyes feeling the blood trickle down my thigh.
Bliss.
Truly this is what I need in order to feel my life is in my control.
Chapter Two
Neo
This year has been one of the worst fuckin’ years since I was fifteen and I lost my mother when she committed suicide. To this day I still don’t understand what possessed her to kill herself knowing she had a son to look after. Then of course there was my uncle Rylan who didn’t want anything to do with me after he’d been shot. He was lucky, even if he’s in a wheelchair, he’s only lost the motion of his legs everything else on him works perfectly.
After that day in the hospital, he’d come to the clubhouse one day about four months later and apologized for the way he treated me. He understood I didn’t want to live with him, not after finally feeling a connection to someone again. A year later he’d married a nice lady who ended up being his nurse at the time and is the one who told him to get his head out of his ass.
I ended up staying with Bear and Momma B until I turned eighteen. I knew right away I wanted to prospect for the club, but I also wanted to go into the Marines.
I did one tour and got out. It was enough for me. I ended up seeing men, who I thought of as brothers, killed in front of me. If it wasn’t for Martin, a guy I’d become close with, I’d have died alongside all of my brothers that fateful day where more than one of my brothers were killed in an ambush. Martin fell on top of me when he’d been shot, and I can remember to this day, seven years later, the words that left his mouth. “Don’t let them take you out with us.”
I’d been fucked in the head for a long while after getting out. Even so when I finished my tour and came home, I immediately started prospecting alongside my brother Cane. The two of us even patched in at the same time together.
Everything seemed to be going great until about a year ago when things happened with Raven and Blaze. Their son, Mark, was kidnapped and while most of us went after those responsible, they’d been sending some of their ranks after those they really wanted. In the process of getting the women to safety, Momma B was killed. I was devastated right along with the rest of the club.
Rage, her son and a member of the club, who live at another charter, became undone. It took Cleo, his ol’ lady, to calm him down. At the funeral he’d told me to sit with them and Bear at the front of the church as I was family as well. I didn’t expect it, but I was damn proud to be considered a part of their family.
Once Momma B was laid to rest, Bear took off needing the time to himself. I hadn’t talked to him much, neither had Rage. Though he did check in once a week through text letting both of us know where he was each time. This last time he was down in Texas staying at the Satan’s Keepers MC for a couple days while he fixed his bike. I’d asked what was wrong with it, but he didn’t go into detail other than to say nothing important. He just had to wait on the part to get in.
Then on top of all of that we had the stuff go down with Ranger and Harlow.
“I don’t care, Shadow. I’m worried about her okay. She changed her number and moved without telling me. I want to see Harley.” My thoughts are interrupted by Luna’s voice as she fusses with her ol’ man, Shadow, our enforcer.
“Babygirl, I’ve already asked Nerd to find her, got her new number and address after she moved across town. I’m not going to fuck with her. Not this time. She’s fine that’s all you need to worry about. The woman knows if she needs anything, we’re here for her,” Shadow grumbles in annoyance. The man does a lot for his ol’ lady. Loves her to death. Didn’t matter to him what her past entailed. Luna is everything to him same goes for their son, Darren.
“But I miss her,” she whines giving Shadow a pout. One we’ve all seen her use on him to get her way.
“I know, babe,” he sighs pulling her into his chest. “However, you need to understand she’s in a dark place right now and doesn’t want to
