“Very.”
“Okay, enough about me. What about you. Are you dating anyone?”
I chuckle, eyeing her like she’s nuts. “Name one girl I’ve ever dated.”
“You liked Leah a lot.”
Walking back I remind her, “I was thirteen. Leah had double Ds.”
“Right, that was unusual.”
“And so soft,” I smile.
Emma smacks my arm. “You felt them?”
“Oh I did more than feel them.”
“You guys were just kids!”
“We were just kids playing doctor. And she had a terrible cough in her chest that needed kisses and lots of massaging. That was the only cure. Or so I told her.”
“Eric!”
Laughing I head back to the house, “She loved it. Even wrote her number in my yearbook later, though I already had it. Dear Dr. Cocker, she wrote.”
Emma groans, heels clicking into the patio with me. “She didn’t!”
“Do I lie?”
“Did you call her?”
“Nope. See, because that might have been considered dating.”
Crossing her arms and stopping, my sister rolls her eyes. “No, it wouldn’t.”
“Girls get ideas in their heads and this particular Cocker is steering clear of that noose you call a wedding band.” I walk inside, dryly saying under my breath, “Because it seems to be contagious.”
CHAPTER 9
WREN
P eter rolls off of me and pads naked through the morning sunlight to the bathroom.
Stunned I ask, “What was that?”
Like his mind is elsewhere he casually scratches his mop of sandy hair, voice losing volume as the distance grows between us. “Sometimes you just need to fuck and get it outta you.” The door shuts.
Alone in my bedroom and blinking at the wall, I struggle to understand these feelings bubbling inside of me.
We woke up. No words were shared. He rolled me over, mounted me from behind like I was an object and not a person, pumped about ten times, came and then pulled out, dripping and silent, and then immediately went to pee.
There was no kiss before during or after.
No touching except to guide it in with a grunt.
No checking to see if I was enjoying it.
Or if I was even awake.
Hugging the blankets to me I cross my legs, knees to my chest as rays of light from the window hold my attention while I search for answers. That sex felt so gross and disconnected.
I don’t need foreplay every time.
It’s not that I want intercourse to last forever, either. Sometimes it’s so passionate it doesn’t, and I really like that.
Kissing isn’t mandatory, but it’s usually there somewhere if someone cares about you, right?
The position didn’t bother me. Some of the hottest fucking I’ve had was doggy-style and primal. But this wasn’t that.
With Peter just now…I was not a woman.
I was a sock.
Hollow and confused I stay like this until he returns. Numbly I watch him swipe his jeans off the ground, never meeting my eyes as he says, “Gotta get something to eat before rehearsal. Fuckin’ starved. You got things you gotta do today, right?”
I stare at him, because my morning schedule is wide open. I assumed we’d have breakfast together but that didn’t sound like an invitation, and I’m still processing this empty feeling in my gut. Stammering and quiet I scoop the blankets tighter around me. “Yeah, busy day. You go ahead.”
He smiles, pulls his shirt over his head, adjusts the hair and bends to give me a perfunctory kiss. “I’ll text you later.”
As soon as I hear the door close I burrow, seeking comfort in my pillow, and fall asleep for another hour to hopefully erase what just happened.
T wo hungry hours later I’m showered yet still out of it, pushing a shopping cart through Trader Joe’s on Monroe, the grocery store as quiet as I feel since it’s ten-thirty on a weekday.
Pausing, I slide my notepad and short pen out of my back pocket and write out a chorus that just came to me. This happens all the time. I can be anywhere and the Muse doesn’t care, she demands I take notes before the inspiration vanishes forever. I’ve learned the hard way that I can’t remember the words later. Everything must be stopped in order to capture fleeting glimpses of brilliance. They aren’t always great, but when they are, I must keep them. Tears me up inside if I don’t.
I stare at the words and wonder if these are worth keeping. It’s hard to tell. Today I haven’t been able to shake how Peter acted this morning. I texted him and he responded with a normal reply. Should I talk to him about the sex? I tried to, didn’t I? Maybe he didn’t know what I meant when I asked, What was that? I could have been more clear, I guess. But how do I bring it up without sounding…
My worries get interrupted by an amused voice. “Those avocados hard as air?”
Eric Cocker comes into focus, knuckles tight around the handles of a half-full shopping basket. In khaki shorts and a white tank top, his golden skin shines.
I blink twice, taken aback. “Oh hi.”
He frowns, “Well that joke fell flat. S’okay, it wasn’t any good.”
CHAPTER 10
WREN
“Sorry?” I ask with a head tilt.
He jabs a finger at my cart. “The avocados are always rock hard here since everyone buys them before they get a chance to ripen, so I made a joke about the hand-dryer, remember when I said the air was hard?” His lopsided smile appears as he hooks his free thumb in his front pocket. “See, doesn’t work when you have to explain it. How you been? Didn’t work last weekend.”
Shifting my weight I explain, “I work nights. That Sunday shift before, that wasn’t mine. I was covering for my best friend.”
“Who’s that, Eleanor?”
Happy he remembered her name I smile, “Yes.”
“We like her. She’s a good egg.”
A small laugh relaxes my tight stomach. It’s been in knots for hours now and I really need this smile. “A good
