Dad walks to the coatrack and pulls his down. “I’ll go with you.” In case Mom was going to object to us leaving, he quickly adds, “I want a moment alone with my son.”
Her mouth clamps shut.
Outside I motion to the garage. “My car’s on the road. You wanna drive?”
“Nah, you go ahead. Can’t remember the last time you drove me around.”
“It was when you were teaching me how to.” We climb in and I glance over to Dad’s thoughtful smile.
“Oh yeah. That was fun.” As the seatbelts automatically wrap over us he frowns. “Pay attention as your children grow up, Max. It really does go by too fast.”
I know CVS pharmacy will still be open tonight, at least for another hour or so.
It’s only six; my brothers aren’t due until seven-thirty. Lexi and Samantha wanted to come early because they’re going to a party later and will be ducking out early. Though they told Mom and Dad it was to spend more time with Logan.
Liars, both of them, to this day.
As we walk into florescent lighting, I know right where to go. Been to this store hundreds of times and they always keep seasonal sale items in the same place. I grab a few bags of tinsel from a rack and hold them up. “Perfect and ready for hanging!” As Dad and I head to the register I mutter, “I was going to hang myself with the other ones.”
He chuckles and grabs a candy bar from the lowest shelf, tossing it onto the conveyor belt as he asks, “You want anything?”
“Hmm, some mints? I keep some in the Jeep but I’m out.”
He tosses those, too, and they clatter inside their container as they roll along the belt. The checker, a kid without a smile, picks it up and Dad asks him, “What’s your favorite kind of candy?”
The kid flicks his eyes to him. “Me?”
“Yeah.”
“I like Reese’s.”
My father snatches one up and tosses it onto the belt. “That’s for you.”
Dead eyes come to life as a surprised smile appears. “Thank you!”
“I’ve got this, Max,” he mutters, sneaking a look at me because I’m not reaching for my wallet.
“You think I’m paying for your tinsel replacement? Mom kept those on purpose to drive me nuts! You guys owe me that buck-ninety-nine or whatever the ‘f’ they cost. I’ll never get those years back.” I nod to the checker. “Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas to you, too!”
Dad echoes the sentiment, getting his change as I pick up the bag. We walk outside and he cocks an eyebrow. “You’re saying ‘f’ now?”
“I’m trying to cut the swearing down in front of Logan.”
“I never did that.”
Frowning I search my memory to see if he’s right. “Huh.”
As we jump in my Jeep, parked right in front since the lot is pretty empty tonight, Dad points out with pride, “I swore all the fucking time.”
The car starts, seat belts wrapping around us as I hand him the bag. “You and Uncle Justin, it’s true. You said fuck and bullshit all the time.”
“Nothing replaces the correct use of an expletive,” Dad informs me as I drive toward the exit. We stare out the windshield, headlights leading the way through a chilly night. “Max, I finally saw your film.”
My smile crashes to the floor, along with my stomach. He and I remain locked on the much easier view of Atlanta as I merge with light traffic.
“You did?”
“Mmhmm.”
“Didn’t think you were ever going to.”
“Neither did I. But I came across it while I was scrolling through movies on Amazon Prime and clicked play before I could stop myself.” He sighs and becomes silent for a moment. “Who was that girl you got?”
“Colleen? Just an actress who auditioned. She’s on an FX show now.”
“She nailed it.”
Cautious, my eyes flick to him. “That’s good to hear.”
His lips are tight, frown etched into those blond eyebrows I always wanted. I go back to the view. Easier not to look at each other with a topic this hot. “I hope you don’t think I did you a disservice, Dad.”
“I don’t think that. I just…it was hard to watch.” Reaching over to pat my shoulder he mutters, “Which means you did good.”
“Dad…”
“No, I’m fine with it. What was hard was my thinking you were disappointed in me.”
“I wasn’t disappointed! Why would you think that?”
He sighs, “I did some stupid shit.”
Pulling over to the side of the road, I put the Jeep in neutral and turn in my seat. He reluctantly meets my eyes.
“Dad, you know what this movie taught me about you?” Chewing on his lips he shakes his head. “That you’re human. I always looked at you like you were a god. Do you know how hard it is to be a man when your father’s a god? Everything I did was never good enough for me.”
“I hope you never felt I put that pressure on you.”
“Not on purpose, no. But I’m the oldest. And I want to be perfect, like I thought you were. I admire the fuck out of you, Dad! I went into shooting this film thinking it was because I couldn’t understand how someone so strong, so ‘together,’ could have been so close to throwing his future away on a woman who was bad news. And you know what I came away with? After the filming, the editing, the festivals, all of it? I realized I wasn’t trying to figure out how you could fuck up so badly. I was trying to see that maybe even you could fuck up. Even you could make mistakes and go down wrong paths, and still come back up again, fighting. It showed me you’re better than a god, Dad. You’re a man. And that’s so much harder.”
Jason Cocker, the man, not my father, narrows ice-green eyes at me, deep in thought. He nods and turns back to the windshield, face becoming still.
I throw the Jeep into gear and pull back onto the road. It isn’t until we turn left onto the street I
