There are two rows and I start to move to the back one but Gwendolyn opts for one seat separating her and him. As I take the spot on her left, farthest from him, she wags her eyebrows at me to indicate she thinks he’s handsome.
I refrain from responding, instead placing all of my attention on the surgery below. It’s four hours in so the patient is exposed.
Gwendolyn whispers to me, “Have you ever seen Stevens in action?”
This makes Caden look over, and we lock eyes.
Without emotion, I answer, “Yes, of course.”
For the remainder of the time she is here, my gaze remains fixated on the surgery. When her beeper vibrates, Gwen stands up, touches my shoulder and whispers, “I’ll text you when I head to the break room on the third floor. If you’re free, we can catch up.”
“Good luck with your patient.”
“Thank you.”
With a small smile that I’m hoping does not look as self-conscious as I feel, I return to the surgery, hyper aware that he was watching our exchange.
He and I are alone. We are staring at the procedure, and I’m grateful I’ve mastered the art of hiding my emotions. Sometimes even from myself, sure, only not today. It’s becoming quite plain to me that I have a huge crush on Caden.
His eyes are locked on the quick fingers of Dr. Stevens as he breaks the silence. “I’m thinking of going into heart surgery.”
“Oh?”
“I’ve been asking myself what motivates me to be here. It hasn’t been easy coming up with a solid answer. I like all of it. At one point I even considered pediatrics.” He sighs like the burden has been heavy. “But every time I watch another doctor’s surgery, it feels like I’m the one who is supposed to be holding the knife. I can see how his hands are moving, and I know he’s good. But a second ago he almost slipped, and I know that I wouldn’t have.”
“That’s rather arrogant, don’t you think? Stevens is one of the best in his specialty—that’s known. And you're going to critique him?”
Caden passionately turns on his seat to face me, two chairs between us, his hand gesturing as he speaks. “That’s what I’m supposed to be doing. Critiquing. Learning. Improving upon. That is the point of becoming a doctor. You don’t mimic, copy what somebody else is doing. You learn from it and offer even better. It’s called growth.”
I’m secretly thrilled to be having this conversation with him, purely for the fact that he is so enthusiastic about a subject that I believe in. The arguments I’m volleying back are purely as devil’s advocate. Turning on my seat toward him, I challenge, “He has years of experience over you.”
“So? Did you hear me saying I won’t need practice? I know in my gut that I have the ability to do what he does and better. And if that’s the truth, if I’m right, then I am doing people a disservice by not following that instinct.”
“It will be more years of study.”
“Don’t care.”
“You will have to be underneath someone during that.”
“No different from right now. I’m under you.” Caden pauses, the potential of double innuendo noted by us both.
Unnerved I shrug, “Well, time will tell if that gut instinct is true,” and return to the glass.
My inspection becomes more critical. I’m curious if I can detect weaknesses in his technique. Frankly, I hadn’t looked for any. Perhaps when I was a newer resident I had watched Stevens more closely. But lately, I guess I’ve assumed his perfection, considered it a given. When you’re ambitious like Caden is, with more to prove, you're inclined to observe minuscule examples of where you could improve upon a competitor’s performance, noticing things anyone else with a more secure position would miss. Is that the case here? Or is Caden just being his normal cocky self?
“You’re watching for them, aren’t you?” he asks, voice deep with excitement. “You’re trying to catch any mistakes.”
I remain fixated.
Caden comes over and sits next to me. “Did you see that?”
“Yes!”
“A fraction to the right and—”
“—Wow.”
“Stevens is tired or something’s off. I see why you tell me to go home now. It’s not worth the risk.”
I yank my gaze from the surgery and lock it onto Caden.
He’s so close to me now I can breathe in his familiar scent. Years of working beside him has me used to it, but lately it’s been a stimulant I do not want, yet seem to need.
He continues, “You know risking that is the last thing I’m after, right? I stay here only because I’m trying to show you, the hospital, Chief, that I’m the right person to keep. But if I went into cardiology, it’s two birds, because I’d no longer be in competition with Janet Gilroy. I could remain in Atlanta near my family.”
“That makes a lot of sense.”
We’re staring at each other, the veil of professional detachment gone from both of us.
He blinks, feeling it.
Standing up, I escape for the door.
“Where are you going, Myers?”
I pause before turning the door handle, fingers shaky on it so that I have to block it with my body, arm behind me so he won’t see how worked up he’s got me. “Last time I checked, I don’t report to you.”
He strolls over with that swagger. I glance down to watch him move like he owns the whole city. As I lock eyes with him again, he smirks, “Did you just check me out?”
“Of course I didn’t!”
He gets a little too close, and my body temperature rises.
“I think you did.”
Gripping the handle tighter, I give it two unseen strokes of my thumb. “I was just surprised you were coming after me. Who do you think you are?”
Caden’s smirk vanishes. “I wasn’t coming after you.” He pauses. “But if you want me to, I could.”
His gaze stays put for half-a-heartbeat before dropping
