I hold his look with meaning. Christina is here and I’m not going there in front her. “Don’t worry about it.”
He goes from confused to oh-I-get-it, and forces a smile, “You eat?”
“Not yet.”
“Burgers are great.”
I drag a hand through my hair. “Think I’ll go try one.”
“I need another.” As soon as we walk far enough away, he whispers, “Change your mind about Zia, huh?”
Adjusting our path for those crossing it, I side-eyeball him, “Change my mind?”
He gives me this knowing smirk. “One minute you’re saying you’re here for me and the next you’re disappearing to get her favorite wine like you won an award. And this is the most you’ve frowned since you came to babysit me.”
“I’m not babysitting you, Josh. I’m here to amuse you. Did your babysitters ever amuse you?”
“Can’t remember ever having babysitters. Just my older brother.”
“Did he amuse you?”
“Yeah.”
I give Josh a sideways work-with-me-here look. “Whatever. I’m not your babysitter. I’m your friend. And by the laughter in your eyes, I’m doing a great job.”
We hit the BBQ for a hotdog, a burger and a cob of grilled corn, each and head to a railing, west side of their roof, propping our bottles on a ledge that’s seen its share. Looking down at Brooklyn’s late-night pedestrian traffic in miniature, I admit aloud, “I do miss the action here. People walking around all the time,” and bite down on my burger to the tune of my stomach screaming hallelujah. “Mmmm, barbecue makes all food taste better.”
He nods. “Except noodles.”
We scarf down while reminiscing about our college days. He tells me which Brooklyn neighborhoods are cool now, how much it’s changed here, and predicts a future where this apartment building will be three times what it costs today.
Finally he turns and faces the party. “My family is not like this. They’d never have parties just to spend time with each other. There’s gotta be a holiday or a birthday and then…” He thinks about it, trying to find the words. “It feels like a chore. So much stress. This is chill. They’re more friends than family.”
My cob now naked, I point it at him. “Try throwing parties with my ex-wife.”
“You’re calling her ‘ex’ already, huh?”
“Just gotta file.”
He locks eyes with me. “Liz gonna be a problem?”
“Let’s not talk about it.”
Bennett walks up. “Don’t stop on account of me.”
“We were talking about Liz.”
“Then by all means, fucking stop,” Benny smirks before correcting himself, “Tucking stop.”
I poke his tie, “You’re so cute,” and he smacks my cob away.
“Guess who needs burn cream.”
Instantly our humor vanishes as Josh and I talk over each other. “Joe?!” “Will?!”
Bennett points to Josh. “Will got a little too close. Christina just took him downstairs.” Holding our friend back, he gives a steady, “Wait, just wait. It’s not a big burn. He didn’t want you to know.”
Josh barks, “Why doesn’t he want me to know?!”
“He’s embarrassed.”
“I wanna see him.”
I grab Josh as he tries harder to get past Bennett. “Hey hey hey, it’s just a little burn.”
He snaps, “How do you know that, Nax?! You were here with me. You don’t know that!”
“Because I trust Benny and he just said it’s fine.”
“What does he know about parenting?!”
We go silent.
So do the people around us.
Bennett’s eyes ice over.
“Can I go now?!” Josh demands of me.
I drop my hands. “You’re a free man.”
We watch until he’s gone.
I mutter, “Free to hurt your friend when you’re scared. Free not to apologize for it.” Throwing my arm around Bennett’s shoulder, we walk to get Elliot and Joe. “Free free free.”
Nax
On the subway home, I’ve got Joe’s sleeping body slumped into me, my arm around him as he snores.
Josh is discussing the evils of fire with Will. Poor kid has become more exhausted by nonstop warnings than by a night of fun.
Which he was having.
Bennett and Elliot are sitting together, both staring off — Benny at a floor so dirty it makes cockroaches call for reinforcements, Elliot into his genius mind. I couldn’t begin to guess what the kid is thinking about. Probably something like how to use Pi in a brand new way that takes the world by surprise and puts his name on universities throughout it.
The E train’s vibration lulls me into my own wanderings where Zia’s eyes won’t let me rest as I continuously replay how I got ditched. I’ve been out of the game for years. Am I that rusty? Did I tell her too much? No. If someone likes you I don’t believe that’s possible. Guess she doesn’t. Which is so confusing because I was certain the chemistry was mutual. Even when it wasn’t us talking to each other, I caught her looking at me over and over. Maybe she changed her mind.
Liz pops in next, and I replay that first conversation where she sprung it on me that it was over, she wanted out. I knew we weren’t in love anymore, but I’ve never been more shocked in my life, because Joe was so important to her. That’s the only reason I was staying put. We didn’t even argue about it, I heard her out and said, “Okay.” The look on her face! We had more conversations, out of a feeling of duty more than anything. That’s how it was for me, anyway. Let’s talk about this, since we’ve spent twelve years together. Eleven married. Ten with a son steering every decision. I’ve been sleeping in the guest room for six months now. Since we work on different movies, we hardly see each other. Do I feel like I lost something? No. But I didn’t see her decision coming. And tonight I didn’t see that Zia wanted to get rid of me.
What am I doing that’s creating this?
I hear Bennett saying her name, and look at him. “What’s that?”
He glances to my son, makes sure that he’s sleeping. A fresh snore that could rival a woolly mammoth’s satisfies him.
