Which made me realize something very odd: I did not know if they could match that. Certain vital facts were absent from my memory. Mawson and Williams’s had offered four pounds a week. But how many weeks were in a year? And weren’t pounds a measurement of weight, not of money? Why did I not know such things? Wouldn’t I have needed to, to be the successful stockbroker I was sure I had been?
I think my brow must have begun to look rather wrinkly and worried, for Mr. Pinner’s expression started to darken as he watched me. So I quickly shouted, “Hip! Pip! Top! Derpy-derpy! That sounds great!” and he looked very relieved.
“Excellent!” he said. “Most excellent! Here is a letter of introduction to my brother, Harry Pinner. He must confirm your appointment, of course, but between you and me: it will be fine.”
“Where shall I find him?” I asked.
“The office,” said Mr. Pinner, as if this were the silliest question in the world. But then he suddenly recoiled and said, “Oh, bugger! The office!”
I did not understand why he seemed so upset, so I asked, “What is the address of this office?”
“Right, well it’s… it’s… far from here, clearly,” he stammered. “Birmingham! Yes, Birmingham. Now I… erm… I cannot recall the exact address. It has slipped my mind. Which is a natural thing that could occur to anybody.”
“Of course,” I agreed.
“So, I must wire the address to you. Do not fret, Mr. Pycroft, you shall have a cable with the exact address late this evening or early next morning. You will then report to that address and present that letter. Agreed?”
“I should think that would be all right,” I said.
“Good. Very good. Now, for the conditions of your employment. Firstly, it is of paramount importance that you do not inform Mawson and Williams’s that you are declining their offer.”
“Why ever not?” I wondered.
“Erm… well… it’s their office manager, you see. I know him. And he… oh! He said he’d hired you for much less than you were worth and he seemed to think you were rather stupid for accepting their offer.”
“No!”
“But, yes,” Pinner assured me. “I must say, it struck me as very rude of him to call someone stupid before he’d even met them. And I thought that if you came to work for me instead of him without informing him, that would be no less than he deserved.”
“Oh, the cheek of him!” I shouted, shaking my fist at the ceiling. “Yes, I agree absolutely; it’s no less than he deserves!”
“Ah, good,” said Mr. Pinner, appearing most relieved. “Now for the other matter: we require your services immediately. Tomorrow. In Birmingham. The hours are likely to be quite long and we would need you at our disposal, so you may need to move your residence—at least temporarily. I trust, for the sum involved, this would not be too much of an inconvenience?”
“Hmmm…” I said. “It seems like I should ask my wife.”
So I popped upstairs and told Mary to disregard what I’d told her earlier about getting a new job. That was my old new job. Now there was a fellow downstairs whom I had never met or heard of before, but he was offering me a new new job, and all I had to do was agree not to tell my old new job that I wasn’t coming, pack up all my things that very night, then first thing next morning I must leave her and go live in Birmingham for an indeterminate amount of time.
She said that was fine.
Overjoyed, I ran back down to tell Mr. Pinner the happy news.
“Very good,” Mr. Pinner said. “Now, there are just a few formalities to attend to. Here is a sheet of paper. Kindly write, ‘I am perfectly willing to act as manager to the Franco-Midland Hardware Company Limited, at a minimum salary of 500 pounds’ and sign at the bottom.”
Which I did. But when I handed it back to him he got all frowny, as if there had been some kind of mistake. “Um…” he said, and stared at me long and hard, as if appraising my character or wondering how far he could push his luck. “Do you know, I’ve just remembered my brother is terribly frightened of zebras. I know it’s a funny thing, but he often suspects that some of the people he meets might be zebras in disguise. I don’t suppose you’d mind adding ‘I am not a zebra’ to the bottom of the note and initialing the change?”
Dear journal, I got the strangest feeling. From somewhere deep inside of me came a wave of doubt. Yet the oddest thing was this: it didn’t feel like my doubt. It seemed as if someone else who lived inside of me was waking from a deep slumber, horrified at my recent behavior. He seemed to feel it was very important that the word “zebra” contained a “z” and a “b”, which the rest of the note did not. Was it perhaps possible that Mr. Arthur Pinner might be trying to obtain a complete sample of my handwriting? I could feel the other mind welling up within me, struggling to be heard. I think I nearly stumbled. Fortunately, I gasped out a quick “Hip! Pip! Top! Derpy-derpy!” and he receded into my inner depths once more. Mr. Pinner was staring at me, waiting. So, with shaking hands, I took the paper and wrote what he had asked.
He watched patiently over my shoulder. Part way through, he gave a cluck of frustration and asked if I could add “j”, “k”, “q”, “v” and “x” to the lower corner. Some sort of Latin inscription, I think it was. So, I added it.
With a happy smile, he took the note, folded it once, pressed it into his breast pocket and told me he would see me tomorrow. But then he corrected himself and said that
