Ellis pulled the SUV into the driveway. She was relieved to see Mary Carol’s car was gone. She had told Jonah she wanted her gone when she came to see the boys, and for once he had let Ellis have a little bit of control.
Jonah met her on the sidewalk. “I’ve told them you’re leaving. As you asked me to.” He needed to remind her it was her idea and not his.
“Thank you,” she said.
“Please don’t do this,” he said.
“You know I have to. You’ve seen the damage I’ve done to them.”
He didn’t disagree. “Why not stay here and check yourself into a recovery program?”
“And have them visit me there, seeing their mother in such bad shape that she had to lock herself up?”
“That’s better than not seeing their mother.”
“Is it?” She thought of those times she’d seen her mother passed out in a pool of vomit, or worse.
“Of course it’s better!” he said. “And when you recover, you can buy a place nearby and see them whenever you want. I promise I’ll let you.”
“How kind of you.”
“Ell, come on. You can’t leave them.”
“I can and I will. I couldn’t stop you from wrecking our life, but I will control how it ends. I won’t come begging to see my boys with Irene and Mary Carol hovering. I’ve seen how that goes, and so have you. All the fighting over the kids. The new partners of the divorced couple getting involved. The kids confused by their loyalties. Kids shouldn’t be consigned to Hell because their parents made mistakes.”
“It doesn’t have to be Hell!”
“It will be, the slow-burn kind. And that’s almost worse. I’ve lived it. I know.”
“Goddamn it, Ellis! This is not your childhood! It’s theirs! You need to get help to see that!”
Tears burned in her eyes. She’d promised herself she wouldn’t cry. Not in front of the boys. Not the last time they saw her.
He came closer. He looked about to comfort her with an embrace, but his arms stuck at his sides as if they didn’t know how to hold Ellis anymore. Or didn’t want to.
“I’m sorry I yelled,” he said. “Just . . . please don’t go. You’ll regret it. You know you will.”
“I don’t need you to tell me that!” she said. “I left my baby in the woods. I know the regret of leaving a child behind very well. I feel the agony of it in every moment.”
“This isn’t the same! You don’t have to leave your boys to punish yourself. You have to forgive yourself for what happened to Viola.”
“Have you? Have you forgiven me?”
Every second that he paused was a knife that drove deeper into her chest.
“I have forgiven you,” he replied. “And I have to forgive myself. Now I know how much I was to blame for what happened that day.”
“You could only forgive me when you discovered your part in it? Thank you, Jonah. Thank you for the unconditional support for the woman you married.”
She pushed past him and strode to the front door.
The boys stood like little soldiers as she entered. She suspected they’d been watching their parents argue from the window. The anxious looks on their faces, the damage already done, reminded her to be strong. If she left now, they could recover.
“Hey, guys,” Ellis said, stroking their hair as she often did.
“Hi, Mom,” Jasper said.
River said nothing, his lips pressed so tight they were nearly blue. He wouldn’t greet her because he was afraid he would cry.
She knelt to their eye level. “I’m going now. I want you to know I love you forever and ever. You know that, right? No matter where I am or where you are, I love you.”
“Where will you be?” Jasper asked.
“I’ll be in pretty places, getting better. And everything I look at will be for you. Every little flower and tree and bird. I’ll be sharing it all with you.”
“No you won’t,” River said bitterly. “Not if we aren’t there.”
“People who love each other can stay together in other ways. In their hearts.”
“A heart is just an ugly lump in our bodies. Grandma showed me the turkey’s heart before she cooked it for Thanksgiving.”
Ellis put her hand on River’s cheek. “I’m sorry you had to see that. Remember, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. If you don’t want to eat animals, say so.”
“I don’t eat animals,” Jasper said. “I didn’t want the turkey. I felt sorry for it.”
Ellis took him in her arms and held him tight. The sweet smell of him made her dizzy with need. Nothing had ever hurt as much. Might that ugly lump in her body stop beating?
“I love you more than anything,” she said into his ear.
“Me too,” he said.
When she pulled away from his arms, tears ran down his cheeks. River’s tears spilled, too, and he looked angry.
Ellis reached for him. He backed away.
“River, please let me hug you,” she said.
“No!” he shouted. “This is all just stupid! I hate you! I hate you!”
He ran away, his little feet pounding up the stairs.
He wanted to do the leaving. To take control as much as possible.
She understood. Oh, yes, she understood.
She put a kiss on her palm and placed it on Jasper’s wet cheek. “Forever and ever,” she said. And she walked out the door.
6
Ellis laid the package of butterscotch candies on Samuel Patrick Abbey’s grave. She didn’t put anything on his wife’s stone. She wouldn’t know what to bring her. As with her father, Ellis knew nothing about her grandmother. She’d died
