Livy’s spoon slipped from her fingers, clattering against her soup bowl. In her pleated brow, he saw the calculations she was making in her head. She knew he’d wed when he was eighteen, and the inevitable conclusion she’d arrived at molded her expression into lines of aching uncertainty.
“Weren’t you married at the time?” she asked.
“Yes,” he said flatly. “Adultery is among my many sins.”
Livy stared at him, her heart clenching. She didn’t know why his admission shocked her, after everything else he had shared about his past. Perhaps because in her mind he was a loyal man…indeed, his loyalty to his sister had played a part in his misguided and tragic attempt to punish Griggs, the man who had hurt Aunt Bea.
To hear Ben say that he had broken his marriage vows, however, sent Livy reeling. As a McLeod and a Kent, she valued loyalty above all, and she could not reconcile her steadfast friend and protector of seven years with the man who was now confessing to breaking his sacred vows. After finding him drunk and miserable that Christmas when she was fifteen, she’d known that his marriage wasn’t perfect. There was also what he’d said recently about Arabella’s habit of goading him into jealousy. Yet nothing justified infidelity.
For the first time, Livy felt a twinge of doubt about Ben. Could she be with a man who might be untrue to his promises? She stared at him, unable to hide her dismay.
“I deserve your judgement, little one,” he said with grim acceptance. “I have no defense for how I conducted myself. At the same time, you should know that Arabella and I had an understanding.”
Livy knitted her brows. “What kind of an understanding?”
“An understanding wherein we were both allowed to seek pleasure outside of the marriage bed,” he said. “As long as we were careful and discreet.”
“I don’t understand.” Bewildered, Livy flashed back to his duchess’s funeral. His grief and despair then and afterward. “I thought you loved Arabella.”
“I did.” His lips twisted, his pupils expanding and edging out the blue. “As you know, I was eighteen when I married. Arabella was the only woman I had been with. A couple of years into our marriage, she told me that only the bourgeois lived in each other’s pockets and suggested that we experiment with a more…sophisticated lifestyle. Such arrangements are not uncommon in the ton.”
“I do not care about the ton,” Livy said hotly. “I would not want to be with anyone but my husband, nor for him to be with anyone else. That would be a betrayal, and it would hurt.”
“You are right, little queen, on all counts.” Ben’s tone was gruff, his shoulders hunching. “The novelty of the forbidden soon wore off…at least for me. Being with other women felt wrong.”
“As it should have,” Livy said with emphasis.
“When I tried to change our agreement, Arabella refused. She said I was trying to spoil her fun, that it was up to me to make her want to be faithful. I became jealous and possessive, fighting duels over her, but it was not enough to make her stop.” He stared at his untouched soup. “I was never enough for her.”
“Oh, Ben.” His self-doubt squeezed Livy’s heart. “You are enough for any woman.”
“Even for you?” He slid her a glance, and the tormented yearning in his eyes seared through her. “I swear I would be a faithful husband. I would never betray you, Livy, or lie to you. I do not wish to discuss the specifics of my marriage any more than necessary, but I will say that Arabella enjoyed manipulation, and I cannot abide it. That is why I have insisted upon honesty and obedience in our relationship,” he said. “That is why I am laying my cards on the table now, so that you know what kind of man you would be taking on.”
Livy thought of the secrets she was keeping, and a shiver passed through her. Surely her actions weren’t comparable to Arabella’s. She wasn’t trying to manipulate Ben. She just wanted to do what she loved while being with the man she loved. How she wished she could tell him everything. Yet she knew he wouldn’t understand and, even worse, would try to stop her.
He’d been furious upon discovering her presence at both the Black Lion and Cremorne Gardens. He’d stated in no uncertain terms that putting her life and reputation at risk was unacceptable, for any reason. Thinking of how he’d nearly broken things off with her at the pleasure gardens cinched her throat. Even now, facing a foe like Fong, he refused to let her get involved.
I cannot lose him, she thought desperately. But I cannot let go of my purpose either.
“I have disgusted you.”
Ben’s stark words joggled her. Realizing that he’d misinterpreted her silence for rejection, she reached across the table to touch his hand.
“Nothing you have said has changed my mind about our future,” she said.
“Do you mean that?” His fingers gripped hers, and the hope on his face was heart-wrenching to witness. It was the look of a desert traveler who spots an oasis but fears it might be a mirage. “After everything I have done?”
She crossed over to him, and he rose immediately. He towered over her, the need in his eyes a vulnerable contrast to the sharp slash of his cheekbones, the honed muscularity of his form. Although he was older than her and far more experienced, she realized that she had something to teach him.
“I love you, Ben,” she said softly. “No matter what and for as long as we both shall live. That is what love is all about.”
“Livy.” His
