The problem was simple. She just needed her morning formula. And…
As I took Charlotte to the kitchen, I realized a major fucking problem. Not only did I have barely any formula, I had no groceries. I was supposed to go and get some after I’d met Liam, but, well, life had other plans. The grocery store didn’t open until about ten, and it was only seven in the morning. This formula wasn’t the full amount for Charlotte, but I hoped it would satiate her until that time.
I took her to the couch, feeling like shit. I had a massive headache, my eyes were both puffy and barely awake, and my mind, as soon as I had woken up, went right back to vacillating between a whole lot of thoughts. On the positive end was the thought that Liam and I could make up, he could be a good father, and who knew? Maybe we’d even work it out. Maybe that was possible!
And then on the other side was the “cold truth,” the belief that nothing I did would get Liam to work with me, let alone be close with me, and that yesterday would be the last time that I ever saw that jackass.
Like most things in life, the truth was somewhere in the middle. Unfortunately, the gap between these two thoughts was so wide I didn’t even know where in the middle to begin looking.
Charlotte took the last of the formula, thankfully not throwing a fit. I put her back in her bed, hoping that she would settle down early for her morning nap. I took the opportunity to make some morning coffee after deciding I would not fall back asleep this early. The coffee somewhat woke me up, but I knew already today was going to be one of those slog days, the kind of day where you always felt just ten minutes behind everything and wouldn’t catch up until midnight.
I headed to the shower once I finished my coffee and looked in the mirror. My eyes were still somewhat puffy. My hair looked like shit. My face looked exhausted, unsurprisingly. I vowed to myself that after this grocery run, I wouldn’t be doing anything else in public for the day.
I jumped in the shower, my thoughts turning to Liam. He looked exactly the same as he had two years ago, minus some subtle signs of having aged a bit. I wonder if he felt the same about—
No, no he wouldn’t. I’d changed my hair color. I’d gained some weight, but it was a healthy weight; depression at the time had made me uncomfortably skinny. Was it any wonder that he was thrown by my accusations? He obviously picked up on it, but no wonder the whole thing seemed to freak him the fuck out.
Maybe once that initial shock subsided, maybe that was a point in our favor. Maybe…
No, stop, Kelly. If you see him, you can’t assume anything. Just go with it as best you can.
Easier said than done, obviously.
I didn’t think I’d taken a faster shower in my life. I needed to get to the grocery store and hurry home as fast as I could. The quicker I got that done, the sooner I could hopefully take a nap and be in a little bit better headspace.
I got out, got dressed—without bothering to put any makeup on—grabbed Charlotte, called Bucky, and piled us into our SUV. It was only then that I realized it was still barely after eight o’clock.
“I need,” I said, “to settle down.”
Once more, it was something very easily said, very challenging to actually do.
When the store finally opened, I got my child and my dog back into the car. I thought at first about stopping at Whole Foods, but no, I needed something more than just food. I stopped at the Market & Liquor store, not quite sure which one I would grab first.
“All right, boy,” I said as I cracked a window and let it roll down so he could have his head out, “you stay here and bark like you normally do if a stranger approaches. Understood?”
Bucky’s tongue hanging out and his wide eyes at me gave me the affirmation I needed. I reached over, scratched his neck, and smiled at him.
“Such a good boy.”
One of the few boys I can count on.
Maybe more.
Kelly, come on, focus.
“All right, Charlotte, let’s head inside.”
I carried her into the store, found us a cart that I could put her up top in, and began making my way around the grocery store. I grabbed formula, but I also grabbed all the fruits and vegetables I needed for the week, like bananas, broccoli, and red peppers. I tried to eat healthy, and for the most part, my cart reflected that.
But I also added some easy-bake pizza, some chocolate chip mint ice cream, and yes, some wine. I would need all three at some point when I felt so tired that I just didn’t give a shit about how much thicker my hips got.
I made my way through the self-checkout line, not quite feeling keen on making friendly conversation. I got all my groceries in the cart, smiled at Charlotte, and made my way outside.
And then I saw…
Someone petting Bucky.
Oh, shit.
Whoever that was was in for a world of fucking hurt. Bucky hated strangers, and he really hated men. Women would get growled and barked at if they got too close. Men would sometimes just get bit. This wouldn’t have been the first time that I’d had to deal with someone threatening to call animal control. I’ve really got to leave that window up. But that would make me a shit dog owner. I’ve really got to leave Bucky at the house. But then I’d be in
