“I’m saying that Drew doesn’t seem in any rush to be more than a flatmate. You’re thirty-two, Nic.”
“Mum, things are different than they were in your day. Thirty is the new twenty,” I said, sounding more defensive than I’d intended to.
“That’s certainly true, but don’t you two ever talk about the future?”
“Sure. We talk about it all the time.” It was a bit of an overstatement. We didn’t actually talk about anything concrete. Drew talked about his work in investment banking. We discussed holiday destinations and upcoming social events, but we never really spoke of marriage or family. Sometimes I wondered how Drew would react if I became pregnant. Would he be happy and instantly ask me to marry him, or would he suggest I have a termination because we weren’t ready?
I never got to find out. When Mum was diagnosed with lung cancer, I put my life on hold, spending as much time as I could at her Suffolk cottage. My father had passed nearly ten years before, so Mum was on her own. She tried valiantly to maintain her independence, but she needed looking after post treatments, and I wouldn’t hear of not coming to stay with her for a few days. I should have seen the signs, but I was too worried about Mum and too distracted with everything that was going on in my life. Mum’s prognosis wasn’t good, and after the first round of radiation and chemo, we were told that the cancer had spread to the brain and there wasn’t much more that could be done. Mum was advised to get her affairs in order. She was surprisingly upbeat, but I was devastated. I wasn’t ready to lose my only remaining parent, and the one I’d been closer to my whole life. My writing suffered. I neglected my bills, and Drew.
It was the day after Mum’s funeral that Drew told me he was leaving. I was in such a fog of grief, I didn’t even register what he was saying at first. I thought he was going on a business trip, not moving out for good.
“Nic, we’ve had good run,” Drew said, looking at me with pity. “But I think this is the right time to call it quits. Don’t you?”
“No, actually I don’t,” I replied, shocked by the suggestion. “Look, I know I’ve neglected you these past few months, but my mum was sick, dying. Surely you don’t hold it against me.”
“Of course not. You did what you had to do, but now it’s my turn to do what I must. The relationship has run its course. I’m ready to move on.”
I stared at him, looking for confirmation of my suspicions in his cool gaze. “You’ve moved on already, haven’t you?”
“I won’t lie to you. That would be unfair. Yes, I met someone about six months ago.”
“Six months?” I cried. “You’ve been unfaithful to me for six months?”
“I never meant to hurt you, Nic, but what can I say? I fell in love. These things happen.”
“Do they? When you’re in a committed relationship?” I screeched.
“Don’t be naïve. People part ways all the time. We’ve outgrown each other, or at least, I’ve outgrown you,” he said cruelly. “I’m ready for a new chapter.”
“What chapter is that?” I asked, hoping my sarcasm masked my pain.
“Marriage. Family.”
That was my lowest point. His words hit me like a sledgehammer, destroying trust, faith, hope, and any plans I had for the future. He wanted to start a family with someone else and was only telling me now.
“Look, I didn’t think it’d be right to leave you just when you were dealing with your mum’s impending death. I asked Laura to wait. It was the right thing to do.”
Laura. So that was her name. My replacement. The newer, sleeker model. He was upgrading me like an iPhone.
“Was it?” I asked, incredulous at his lack of sensitivity. This wasn’t the Drew I knew, but then again, how well had I really known him if I hadn’t realized he’d moved on months ago and was just waiting for the right time to spring this on me? “You thought you were being honorable?”
“Would you have preferred that we have this conversation two months ago?” Drew asked.
“Is she pregnant?” I asked, my insides writhing like snakes.
“No.”
“Have you proposed to her?”
Drew had the decency to look contrite. “Yes. We’ve been engaged for two months. Look, I’m really sorry. I am. But I must look to my own happiness, and Laura is what I need right now. I can’t imagine anyone else as my wife or the mother of my children.”
“Get out!” I shrieked, unable to shut off the grinder that was pulverizing my heart.
“You can’t chuck me out. This is my home,” Drew replied calmly.
“But it’s not, is it? You haven’t contributed a penny in all the years you’ve lived here. You’re a guest, and now I’m asking you to leave. You can return for your things when I’m not here. I can’t bear to look at you a moment longer.”
Drew shrugged. “All right. Fair is fair.” He gave me one of his I’m-super-sensitive looks. “I never planned for things to end this way, but the heart wants what it wants.”
“You just keep telling yourself that,” I said, all the fight having gone out of me. “It’s a convenient excuse for being a complete bellend.” I wanted to call him something worse, but that was the nastiest thing I could come up with on the spot. Perhaps I should have resorted to the American version and called him a dickhead. Yes, somehow that sounded worse.
Some cool, detached part of my brain acknowledged that I was using my anger to distract myself from the questions I really wanted to ask. Had he ever loved me, or had I been nothing more than a
