“I don’t think I can,” Avena admitted. His open hope for her had her reeling. And saying things she shouldn’t.
“Find someone to love you?” He grinned. “Can’t be hard.”
It was all growing clear to her as she backed away. What was wrong with her all this time. Why she had just stood there and watched Evane drown, why she hadn’t loved Miguil, and maybe hadn’t even loved Chames.
“What’s wrong?” Miguil asked, reaching for her as she retreated.
“What if I’m incapable of loving?” she asked. “What if I can’t love anyone?”
She whirled and hurried out of the stable. She couldn’t love. She never could. She was flawed, like her mother. She never loved either. How else could she drown her daughter with that smile on her face?
Chapter Twenty
Forty-Second Day of Compassion, 755 EU
Three days later, and the urge to leave had only grown larger in Ōbhin’s heart. It spread tendrils throughout his body, ivy growing across the weathered exterior of an old castle. Bit by bit, it prodded at him, finding cracks in his resolve and widening them.
How long until he crumbled?
He didn’t see much point in staying now. The guards were settling in. Maybe one worked for Ust, maybe even Cerdyn, but it wouldn’t matter. Ust worked for Grey. The bandit leader’s vendetta was against Ōbhin alone. Dualayn had nothing to worry about once he’d departed.
So why am I still here? he asked as he sat with the other guards in the servants’ dining hall off the kitchen, their fast broken with fermented soybeans served on slices of toasted bread. The hearty sausages were filling, the spices inside savory.
The cook watched all, a confused look on her face like she wasn’t sure where she was. Ōbhin had heard Kaylin had changed after her husband, the old butler, died. Suspicion crept into her eyes as she stared back at him. He felt like a bug who didn’t belong, a fly crawling across the wedding curry.
He looked down to his plate.
I should go. Find Ust and put him down just to be safe. What’s one more stain? The world would be better without his disharmony ruining the Tones’ melody. Otsar’s notes strum loudest in him. Otsar was the Tone of the Fire, of passion and love, but when twisted by Niszeh’s Black, it led to anger. Rage.
“Oh, Kaylin, this is what my belly needs,” Cerdyn groaned, leaning back.
“I am glad you enjoy it, Kadayn,” the cook said, a smile flashing on her face. “You always liked my cookin’ more than most.”
“Who’d dislike your cookin’?” Cerdyn asked, not bothered she called him by the strange name. “You got a deva’s touch, you do. Everything you caress is just a little brighter.”
“Best not flirt with me. If my husband finds out,” the cook said, patting at her bun of hair. “He’ll . . .” Confusion rippled across her face. “No, no, he won’t find out. He’s . . . But I just saw him.”
“It’s okay,” said a cook named Hajina. She shot Cerdyn a vicious look as she spoke to Kaylin. “Just come back into the kitchen and help me start the buckwheat noodles for lunch. Won’t that be nice?”
“It’ll be necessary,” the cook said, lifting her face. She marched her fleshy form into her kitchen.
Cerdyn’s heavy brow raised. “Husband? I thought he was dead.”
“Kaylin gets confused sometimes,” Bran said. “The cooks’ll skin you if you hurt her.”
“Pity,” Cerdyn said. “She seems like a woman with passions. That’s wot you want. Trust me, lad. They keep you on your toes. Don’t want no simpering milksop even if her delights are as big as a ripe melon. Beauty don’t last, boy, but a good fire in a woman, well, that’ll keep you warm.”
“If she don’t burn you,” muttered Fingers.
“Maybe if you didn’t run away from her,” Cerdyn said.
Fingers spat to the side and rose. “Finished with breakfast. I got mornin’ guard, don’t I?”
Before Ōbhin answered, Avena swept over to them in a dress of dark blue. She’d shown up for training the last two days, though she wouldn’t look him in the eye. Her cheeks held a faint pinkness. “Dualayn wants to go to see the hospital.”
Ōbhin nodded. “Smiles, Fingers, Cerdyn, and Aduan, you have the guard with me. Get your chainmail.”
Fingers arched an eyebrow. “And the gate?”
“Bran and Dajouth can handle it.”
“‘Course we can,” said Dajouth. “We’ll keep everyone safe while you’re gone.” He wasn’t speaking to Ōbhin. “And I must say, blue is a lovely color on you. Brings out the pink in your cheeks.”
Avena’s lips tightened. “He wants to leave as soon as possible. He’s excited about something he’s learned. New techniques he wishes to try.”
Ōbhin nodded.
Miguil stood and said, “I’ll ready the horses.”
Avena whirled away without an answer, her blue skirts swirling. They weren’t as long as her normal dresses. He could see her ankles, clad in dark stockings, above her heeled shoes.
Ōbhin smiled. He’d also noticed the suspicious bulge on her right calf, pleased with her progress.
As he headed to his room to don his chainmail, he thought today might be the day. He could find Ust and finish him. Ōbhin felt the bastard lurking in the city. The bandit leader had cleared out of his usual cesspit, Sword Arm Tavern. He’d taken his favorite whore with him, so Ōbhin knew he was around.
Ust wouldn’t take Ruvine into the field to rob travelers.
The chainmail rattled as he pulled it on. The coat fit his torso well. He strapped his heavy belt over it. That took some of the weight off his shoulders and shifted it
