“That’s it! Get outta here!” He stepped back so she could drive. “Bye.”
“Bye for now,” she replied, putting the car in gear. As she pulled out onto the road, she looked into her rearview mirror and saw him staring after her. Even as she kept one eye on the traffic, she didn’t take the other off him. His head followed her car until she drove out of sight.
Her heart took a little leap.
Chapter 5
First and Second Thoughts
Carson stared at the road, barely seeing the other cars as he navigated home. Although he hadn’t planned on this date, it had started out decently enough, and he found himself actually enjoying the afternoon – a rare occurrence for him anymore.
Then everything went to hell.
The image of Katie tumbling over that railing tormented him as it played over and over in his mind. Each time she disappeared from view, his gut clenched and his fingers flexed on the steering wheel until it creaked under the pressure. Assuring himself that everything had worked out in the end provided no comfort. In fact, he’d not felt that way since the flight… with Pam.
He’d buried that feeling way, way down, but now it had reared up and assaulted him once again. Those seconds he’d scanned the water, desperate to see a red head pop-up, were identical to those when he’d crawled from his seat in the wrecked airliner searching for his fiancée. Even during his impromptu dive into the dark water to search, the certainty he wouldn’t be able to find Katie petrified him.
Now he was trying to sort it out at 70 miles an hour, but the thoughts appeared like flash cards in his head. Paralyzing fear. Abject failure. Overwhelming relief. Her gratitude.
That kiss.
That was the only thing that gave him pause. Carson had seen it coming and considered backing away but, as the old adage went, his heart overruled his head. He’d accepted her approach and been stunned by the fervor behind it. She remained the aggressor, keeping the kiss respectable but with more than a hint of romance. It had thrown not a monkey wrench but a whole toolbox into the works.
He had to dissuade any sort of romantic relationship. Not only did his response to Katie’s danger tell him he hadn’t fully recovered from his previous trauma, at least not enough to be dating, but his recent extra-curricular activities disqualified him morally from getting involved with a kind and decent woman like Katie.
Sadness overcame him as he mentally voiced his decision, and not just for the lost relationship. Am I ever going to get out of this mess? Am I ever going to feel like a man again? Katie’s kiss had reminded him he wasn’t quite dead. Maybe on life support, with the doctor charging the paddles. But he still had a pulse, which made things worse. Dead was dead. He still had the gall to think of hope.
If things were different… It seemed like he’d said that, or some variant, to himself a billion times in the last four years. If they hadn’t decided to visit Pam’s sister and her newborn niece until summer. If they hadn’t been on standby and gotten selected for that flight. If they hadn’t ended up in those seats. If, if, if. He knew he shouldn’t keep doing that to himself, but it was hard not to. All the coincidences had come together to create the perfect tragedy – at least for her, or for them. Or for him?
He viciously reprimanded himself for having the temerity to consider his suffering in the same sentence as Pam’s. At least he was still around, still seeing blue skies and green grass. Pam wasn’t. No matter what he went through, he was still here to experience it, and it was as close as he got to blasphemy to equate their experiences.
He definitely wasn’t ready for a relationship. He’d be sure to call Katie in a couple days to make sure she was OK, as it was the polite thing to do, but that would be it.
Carson was surprised to find himself turning onto his road. He had auto-piloted all the way home, and hoped he hadn’t cut anybody off or run some poor driver off the road. The first hints of late afternoon were starting to show in the sky as he parked in the driveway. He managed to get out of the car and head inside, his shoulders sagging and his feet falling heavily on the concrete driveway. He hoped he had enough whiskey to get him through what he expected to be a long and lonely evening.
***
Katie breezed into the office just before nine, drawing looks from most of her co-workers. Normally, Monday mornings at a state agency made a Siberian Gulag look like a festive block party, and the chipper young red head enjoyed the feeling of bouncing around like she enjoyed being here, drawing glares of anger and jealousy from her peers.
Ignoring them, she dropped her stuff off and turned on her computer, waiting for her email to open. After a cursory scan showed nothing that couldn’t wait five minutes, she grabbed her coffee cup and headed to the break room to keep this morning on the right track. She was not surprised to find Emma, who lived a lot closer and usually got in before her, putting milk in her tea.
Emma’s face brightened. “Hey, how was your big date?” A couple of heads turned. Any gossip was good gossip, especially at this time of the week. Katie knew anything said in here would tear through the office faster than an out-of-control forest fire and be the topic of the day before she made her first phone call.
“Overall, pretty good,” she hedged, jerking her head to indicate they would speak further about it in the semi-privacy of a cubicle. Emma gave a furtive nod and waited until her
