“I don’t know I can protect you. If you’re here, at least you’re safe from bullets. I’d rather they take you hostage again than have you dead.”
She didn’t like his reasoning one bit, but she understood it. The problem was, being separated from him – even for a few minutes – petrified her to her core. She might not be in immediate danger, but Carson would be. The thought took front and center in her mind, welling up in her until her lower lip quivered and she knew she was going to cry.
“I don’t want you to die, Carson,” she managed to squeak out before the first sob started.
Through her tears, she saw his expression morph from business to empathy, and he rushed to her side. Kneeling by the bed, he used the corner of his t-shirt to dab at the tears on her cheeks. “Hey, hey,” he said softly. “It’s OK, really. It’s not as dangerous as I’m making it out to be. Really.”
Katie gained control of herself enough to shake her head. “You haven’t been able to lie to me in person since the day I met you. Don’t start trying now.” He emitted a short, quiet bark of laughter, which made her smile in spite of the ball of doom sitting in her stomach trying to close her throat.
“Yeah, I’m just incurably honest, I guess.” He shrugged his shoulders, but his next words were filled with certainty and determination. “So here’s the real truth. It is dangerous. There are no guarantees. I can say I’m a tough kill, and that’s not just me talking big. I was one of the best there ever was. That’s what others have said about me, people who know. I’ve gotten in and out of so many tight spots… well, let’s just say I’d like to share the stories with you.” He paused and softened his face and his tone. “Were you telling me the truth last weekend when you told me you thought I could work through my emotional problems?”
“Yes, I was.”
“To me, that’s way harder than doing this. If you believe I can do that, I know I can do it. If you believe in me for this, I will fucking do this. I swear. Do you believe in me?”
Five words. His expression told her how much rode on her answer to those five words. She looked deeply inside herself, seeing the faces of her father and of Brendan, men she had trusted without question, and recognized something new in their expressions – duplicity. It was as plain as the day was long, and she’d never noticed it until right now. She blinked herself back to the present and saw, behind Carson’s question, an unshakeable purity of purpose. The answer came to her as absolute fact, and with it came a surge of confidence like none she had ever known.
“Yes, I do. I believe in you and I know you’ll do it.”
His eyes sparked with purpose. “Then it’s settled. I will make it out of there and back to you, I promise.” He glanced at the floor but, as if invoking some inner resolve, he fixated on her once more. “I won’t fail.”
Chapter 11
Perdition Roused
The remainder of the day proved paradoxical for both Carson and Katie. Neither welcomed the challenge the evening promised, nor the possible outcome, making them wish night would never fall. Despite their feverous mutual desire to see the clock slow and come to a halt, it proceeded merrily around in its endless circle, inexorably leading to the moment of truth.
Conversely, sitting and doing nothing induced as much anxiety as fear. The days or hours prior to battle were fertile ground for the growth of doubt, worry, and second-guessing. In these moments, when one or the other wished to cut loose, to take any action just to end the interminable waiting, the clock obstinately chose to remain frozen in place.
At least I can do my little scouting trips. Carson did these orbits around the shack far too frequently, but did so to burn off the excess energy building in him. He felt bad Katie had no choice but to sit inside, unable even to pace effectively, but the reality of the situation was that he needed to perform at an optimal level tonight, and she had nothing more to do than wait and see how it played out. It sucked that she had to sit in the same place hour after hour, but there were far bigger problems at hand.
At one point during the brief/interminable afternoon, the rain slowed and the sky brightened a bit. The clouds did not dissipate but they thinned out and promised to reveal blue sky. This troubled Carson, who needed the background noise of water hitting leaves and pavement to mask his planned movements, and he thought about making a change. Fortunately, a new set of dark rain clouds moved in, and before long the cacophony of the rain resumed, calming his fears.
When he returned to the cabin, he dried himself off as best as he could and sat with Katie, holding her close and trying to comfort her with his touch. He wondered why he hadn’t asked for a key to her restraints. He needed to feel her arms wrap around him and remind him everything would be OK. They did what they could for each other, mostly just sitting quietly, listening to the noises of the weather like any other normal couple might.
In the end, all the waiting and hoping and worrying made no difference. Night fell anyway, right at the expected time. They both watched it, but neither said a word. Carson was transported back to the hours and moments before a mission, with his men doing their best to look tough and act cool, like they were just going on some milk run and there was nothing to worry about. Only someone with his experience could see the
