And that’s about it. Just horse talk on an hour’s trekking. They said it was nice to meet me, and off they went to see about the village show. Anne had mentioned it earlier. They were on the committee. I’d already decided to go to it. Anne had said that her two aunts would be there. I wanted to have a look at them too for family resemblances. Edna and Amy they were called.
I was glad I’d gone about it the way I had. It narrowed things down. By meeting Anne as a stranger, I could gradually get to know her, prove that I was my own person, who would not hurt her in any way. Children were given up in Ireland because of the Church: unmarried mothers bringing shame on their families, reasons I won’t go into. But force was often used and enormous emotional pressure exerted. The choice had probably been taken out of Anne’s hands. Whatever the reason, those days were gone. I was just a girl who didn’t want her mother rejecting her again.
By taking more lessons over the coming weeks, then renting a holiday home for a week, living close by, seeing Anne every day, she might come to look upon me as a friend. Then I’d tell her who I really was.
RED DOCK
I was in the Copper Jug having a pint at the bar when I called Gemma over and handed her a pen and paper. ‘Write this down then run it through the word processor for me, will you? To Marshal and Cochrane. They’re drink distributors; you’ll find their address in the book.’
‘OK.’
‘“Dear sir.” New line. “I’ve had enough. I’m not taking any more. It’s not worth the hassle. Nothing’s working out.”’
As suicide notes go, it wasn’t the best. I couldn’t be too obvious about it. I couldn’t start saying stuff like ‘I’ve had enough of this “life”.’ She’d have thought I wasn’t right in the head. As it was, she was wondering what it was all about. It was in her handwriting – that was the main thing.
‘They’re messing me about with corked wine. One look at that and they’ll be on the phone begging to keep my custom. Might get a price reduction. Print it out and stick it in an envelope.’
I stayed away from the Jug after that, kept in touch with Fra by phone, had a casual drink with Ted Lyle and just dropped it into the conversation that I thought he’d have added Gemma to his list.
‘You surprise me, Ted. I thought you’d’ve been in there.’
‘Some girls do, some girls don’t, Red.’
‘That surprises me too, Ted.’
He was bound to know I’d paid Gemma for it a few times. How, I don’t know. The bar staff might have talked. Gemma could’ve told Sally and it got back to Ted. Not important. He knew. What he said proved it to me.
‘You’re a fucking eejit, Red. She went with you because she’s in love with you. Not for money.’
I laughed it off. ‘Fuck away off, Ted. And you’re supposed to know women.’
To be honest, I didn’t think I’d let her get that close to me. I can’t bear the thought of anyone having those kind of feelings for me. ‘In love?’ Fuck that. I can’t explain why intimacy hits me like vomit – it just does. The thought of someone ‘wanting’ me, Jesus. And ‘in love’? What a corny way to put it. Not at all like Ted. Usually it’s ‘she fancies you’ or some shit like that. Less sting in it.
‘Wise up, Ted, for fuck’s sake. Put one of your big-shot weekends together, get Sally to invite Gemma on the quiet, liquor her up. Let her find a grand in her pocket next morning. That’ll put you straight.’
‘What do you care whether she works for me or not, Red? I’ve never known you to take this interest before. Anybody’d think she got to you.’
‘Got to me, my bollocks. Swagsy has a difficulty coming up. She’ll do nicely for it.’
If Ted didn’t run with a nudge like that, he wasn’t the villain I knew him to be. I didn’t need to explain it to him. The remark automatically told him that a ‘difficulty’ that included Charlie Swags using one of his girls meant he’d be in for a slice. And a slice from Charlie was like a whole vanload from somebody else. He’d run with it all right.
How he’d do it was his own affair. My guess was he’d get Sally to hit her where it would do most damage – her mother. Sally was fond of the needle. I wouldn’t say she’d more track marks on her arms than a hillwalking map, but she’d a £300-a-day habit and Ted kept her in the best of clients to pay for it.
‘Wouldn’t you want your mother to see how well you’re doing? See what you’ve made of yourself? Nice car, real money in the bank,’ no doubt came into the leverage. I do know that Lyle finished it off by telling Gemma he was short of girls Friday nights – that I was getting fed up with his regulars. She could fill in. He figured that because I saw whoring as nothing to get excited about, she wouldn’t think I’d be bothered by her doing it and turn my back on her. She wanted to be near me, he reckoned, and would do whatever it took.
My own guess is she went with it because of her mother. Fuck all to do with me. I wasn’t the attraction. Read it any way you like. It happened. That’s all I know or give a bollocks about.
I’m in The Minstrel and in walks Gemma. I take her
