“Wait, why didn’t you tell me you had a crush on my brother? How did I not know this? And I don’t really get what you’re saying, but I’ll stand behind your decision.”
She paused before she spoke again. “Do you ever miss him?”
“First off, I was on-again, off-again with Tucker, so you probably wouldn’t have known about my Beau crush. Secondly, him?”
“Yeah, do you miss Andrew?” She said quietly.
I scoffed, “Miss him?”
I didn’t miss him. I missed the college version of him when we were in love, and before the accident made him mean and crazy. The man that would bring me flowers and take me on dates. The guy that would get me chocolate and a heating pad on my period days and take care of me when I was sick. Before he lost his mind. Before I lost mine.
She was still waiting for a response when I looked up. “I mean; in a way, I do miss a version of him. What I didn’t realize was that I missed me more. I changed myself so much over that last year we were married. I didn’t wear high heels because he didn’t want me to be taller than him. I wore tons of wear makeup and always had my hair properly fixed. No rodeo dirt speckled face or ponytail for this woman. I listened to his favorite music and ended up throwing mine in the back of the closet. I lost so much of myself that I don’t even remember who I used to be before him. I was a girl who wanted to be an upper east side kept wife. Who looked good, who was educated, and could fool people about her pedigree. I wanted to create the kind of loving family that was on Hallmark cards. Not the family that was barefoot around the back porch drinking out of solo cups and swatting flies. Yet before I acted on that idea of a perfect family image I used to live to the beat of my own drum. I had been free. When I stopped and thought about it, I had been happy all my life in Moonshine Springs. Why did I think there was better? Did I think the unknown was always better than what I had? The notions of a stupid, shallow teenage girl nearly destroyed my damn life. They nearly got me killed. Now, I’m constantly looking over my shoulder wondering when someone’s going to show up asking questions that I can’t answer.”
A tear slipped down my cheek. Admitting it out loud was so much worse than thinking about it. Openly expressing how I felt was gut-wrenching, but it was also the truth. I changed the moment his lips pressed against mine for the first time. I just hadn’t realized how drastically.
“Oh, sweet girl. It’ll get better.” She pulled me in close and I cried on her shoulder while she rubbed my back, soothing me.
After a while, she prodded again.
“Now, back to my brother…”
I laughed as I straightened back up and shook my head. “Reagan Harper…”
“I kid, I kid.” Her hands up in a take-no-offense manner. “But didn’t you say…. Oh, what was it that you said again?” She said tapping her chin. “Oh, that’s right… he’s… um gorgeous? With a little smirk and giggle too if I remember correctly.”
“I have eyes, Rea. Your brother is still sexy, more so than he was in high school. But nothing is going to happen.”
“We’ll see about that Cassidy Mae… we’ll see about that.”
And that is exactly what I was afraid of. It was obvious that Beau Montgomery and I had some unfinished business of the love kind, but until I figured everything out in my current situation, I wasn’t willing to be in a relationship with him. Whether he was willingly trying to be or not.
“Well, I’m going to go grab Koko. She decided to roll in the mud this morning and needs a bath.”
She laughed at me once more before walking away. “Okay, Cassidy Mae. You do that.”
And I did just that.
I brought Koko into the wash stall and looked over her mud-coated, lightly dappled grey hair. I tied her in cross ties and proceeded to get the hose turned on and started spraying her lightly from the legs up so as not to spook her. The water turned brown as it fled her speckled hair.
I stood there and watched as Cassidy Mae slowly washed the mud from Koko. She’d gone slow, running the hose up her legs before just hitting her directly with the water. My girl just had a way with horses. My girl. Good Lord, she wasn’t mine. Not yet, but she would be. I’d told myself to give her time and I would.
I knew watching her without announcing my presence was probably a bad idea but I couldn’t help it. I liked just watching her. She had an air of femininity and comfort. Like she’d been doing this for years. And she had. She’d been messing around with horses for as far back as I can remember. Every summer I’d watch her ride those barrels for fun at the county fair. She didn’t always win but the way her face lit up when she was sitting atop a horse racing around those barrels, dust kicking up as she went, was the prettiest damn thing I’d ever seen.
“You missed a spot there, Cassidy Mae.” She jumped when I spoke and I felt a tinge of guilt light me up. I hated that she was still jumpy around me after being home now for weeks. As soon as those emerald green eyes found mine though, her lips quirked into a smile.
“Oh yeah? Do tell. What spot did I miss exactly?” As I got closer to tease her
