The last time I had showered, I had been kidnapped.
Sobbing, I collapsed to the ground and clutched my legs, burying my head between my knees as I rocked back and forth. Images of light-blue and green blood trickling down my body flashed before my eyes, overriding my senses.
Their blood. Oh, Stars.
My dying nestmates’ blood had covered me as I had tried to scrub myself raw in the shower. My head had rested against the cool metallic wall, the spray beating against my skin while I had waited for the trauma to wash away. Then I had been taken from everything I had known.
“Selena!”
A pair of strong arms scooped me off the floor. I struggled to escape, only to be pinned in place.
“Selena, it’s me,” Kaede begged. “It’s me. No one can hurt you here.”
His voice was like a balm on my soul, numbing the pain, but the wound was still raw. Slumping, I gave up the fight.
I was safe.
He placed me onto his lap, holding me close. “It’s okay, Selena, I’m here.” He cupped my cheek tenderly as if I were the most precious thing in the universe. “You don’t have to be afraid any longer.”
“I can’t… I can’t… the last time I went into a shower…”
“No one can take you, I swear it,” he breathed, kissing my forehead. “I am so sorry that I failed you, Selena. Never again.”
“Kaede,” I sobbed, hugging his chest as I pressed my head against his shoulder. “The blood. The blood. It’s all over me.”
“There is no blood, Selena,” he whispered, rocking me in his lap. “There is no blood, and no one will take you away from me, I promise.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Selena, I’m sorry that I failed you,” he breathed, placing a hand on the back of my head to hold me against him. “I’m the reason you’ve become this broken female before me. If not for my failures, you would be enjoying yourself with your clan instead of racing against time to save your dying mates.”
“But, Kaede, you didn’t do anything!” I protested, studying the male who had come to rescue me once again. “You’ve always been there for me, but that day…”
I peered down at my hands again, finding them covered with my nestmates’ blood.
“I keep seeing blood, Kaede,” I muttered, glancing back up at him. “Can you see the blood?”
“There is no blood, Selena,” he repeated, shaking his head. “It’s just your mind playing tricks on you.”
Sobbing, I buried my head in his chest, desperate to hide from the pain.
“I’m a failure, Selena. Every time I look at you, I see my mistakes—every misstep compounded—and the only way I could save you was by placing an Oetsae in you. Now you can’t even shower without fearing that someone might break in and hurt you once again.”
“I would’ve gotten the Oetsae sooner or later. It was just a matter of time.”
“I disagree.” Kaede sighed. “The necklace was a failsafe I hoped never to use. Instead, I have become the worst bodyguard I could be. Not only have I failed to protect you and your clan, but I allowed our enemies to torture you and took too long to find you. Worst of all, I placed Euouae inside you without your consent. I will never forgive myself for what happened to you.” He paused, the silence heavy. “I almost lost you, Selena, before I even had you.”
“What are you saying?” I tilted my head, unable to read his stony, impassive expression.
“I’m saying that I don’t deserve to be your guard, let alone a bid at becoming your mate,” he muttered, closing his eyes. “I can’t bear to regard you knowing that I have failed you so badly.”
“You want to be my mate?” I gaped.
“I’ve always wanted to be yours, Selena,” he swore. “I just couldn’t. As your bodyguard, how could I vie to mate the very female my master, who sent me to protect you, is bonded to? You accepted Xylo and Odelm before you even reunited with Z and took in the Circuli princes to protect their people. Why would you need me? How would I fit into your budding clan?”
“I’ve always felt a connection with you,” I muttered, thinking back to all the times we had been alone and how conflicted he had seemed since the beginning. “I tried to be friends with you in hopes something more might form… but you always disappeared… Pushing me away before we had a chance to explore the attraction between us.” Cupping his face, I directed his gaze to mine. “Why?”
“It doesn’t matter now, but I believed I would be a poor guard if I brought strain to your heart. Now, I know it’s true.” His slitted gaze dropped to my lips. “How can I protect you if I let you distract me before I am even yours? Do you think it’s easy to watch you be happy with your mates? It’s like a vibro-blade to the gut each time you show them the love and devotion I wish you had for me.”
Memories flooded me, filling in the spaces in my heart that had stood empty all the time. Instead of making me happy, his confession had elicited anger and hurt. He was now denying himself—both of us—something we had craved all this time.
“Kaede,” I hissed, grabbing his chin. “What about your first confession? Your promise? Will you retract the words you spoke to me as you were sending me away? Or will you wait until the next lifetime to bring us together? If you want me, then take me for who I am, good and bad, and stop searching for reasons we shouldn’t be together.”
“You remember what I said to you?”
“Your words triggered my fleeting memories, but that’s beside the point, Kaede.” I shook my head in disappointment. “You said you loved me and you wouldn’t fight us, and yet, here you are, denying the one thing we both
