We stood there quiet for a long while before Joel sighed, opening his arms. “Come here.”
I was hesitant at first, but when Joel watched me with understanding in his eyes, I stepped into him, returning his embrace when he wrapped me in his arms.
“I want you here, okay? I’m glad you’re here.” He kissed my hair. “And we will have more time together, just the two of us. I promise. Okay? But tonight is a special occasion. Please, come hang out. I know it’s not your favorite thing, to be with everyone, but we’re in Italy.” He paused, as if to let that sink in. “Just one night. Please.”
Another zing of tightness hit my chest, this time born of guilt. I knew in his mind it wasn’t asking me much, to just suck it up and go out for a night.
But I didn’t want to go.
And for the first time, I decided that if I didn’t want to, I didn’t have to.
“I’m tired, Joel” I said, pressing my hands to his chest as I met his eyes. “I know it’s a rare occasion, but I’m just not up for it.”
Joel’s next breath was steady, though the way his jaw was set, I knew he wasn’t happy. I saw the disappointment in his usually warm brown eyes when he finally nodded. “Okay. We’ll stay then.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “It’s fine. You should go. Like you said, you’re already getting shit for not being downstairs with them.”
Joel frowned, eyes searching mine.
I waved him off. “Go. You should enjoy the night off, and Vernazza is beautiful. I want you to see it. You deserve to have fun.”
“Are you sure?” he asked, rubbing my arms.
I smiled. “Yeah. I’m sure.”
Joel kissed my forehead, holding me tight again. “Thank you. And I’m sorry for blowing up like that, it was just a stressful day.” He pulled back, framing my arms with his hands. “Maybe we can have a movie night tomorrow? I’ll even suffer through a chick flick, if that’s what you’re in the mood for,” he added with a wink.
I nodded, but the smile I forced felt as fake as my insistence that I was fine with him leaving. “It’s a date.”
Joel kissed me again, and then he released me, rattling off things that had happened throughout the day as he showered and got dressed and ready for the evening. I leaned my back against the headboard, listening, laughing when appropriate, all while staring at my camera on the dresser, the black and silver of it coming in and out of focus the longer I did.
He looked handsome when he’d finished, wearing navy blue shorts and a white button up with embroidered navy anchors all over the fabric. The white set off his tan from working in the sun every day, and he combed and parted his usually shaggy brown hair, reminding me of nights we’d go out in Boulder with our college friends.
Just like that, Joel’s mood was restored, and with a spritz of cologne, one last kiss on my cheek, and a promise to spoon me when he came home later, he was out the door.
And I sat there on our bed, alone, listening to the sound of laughter as the crew barreled up the stairs to the main deck.
I couldn’t sleep.
Even though I was exhausted, and even though I was warm and cozy under the sheets of our bed watching Guinevere, my mind wouldn’t stop racing. I was restless, from where I chewed my nails to where I bounced my foot under the covers. So, about halfway through the movie, I paused it to take a walk.
It was strange, being on the boat without anyone else on it. I knew Matthew, one of the engineers, and Claude, the head chef, were somewhere on their watch. But usually, I couldn’t walk more than ten feet before I ran into someone — Ivy cleaning a room, Ace rushing around the main deck, Emma and Eric discussing the day’s itinerary, Captain Chuck smiling over his coffee as he tipped his hat at me. Tonight, the constant hum of work and conversation was muted, replaced by the quiet sound of the water lapping against the boat.
I wrapped my cardigan around me a little tighter, feeling the cool teak wood under my feet as I explored. I traced the expensive marble of the main deck bar with my fingertips, watched the glimmering crystal chandelier in the salon of the owner’s deck, and inhaled a deep lungful of the salty fresh air when I climbed my way up to the sun deck.
Already, my heartbeat was steadier, my breaths more even, and I stood there at the top of the stairs with my eyes cast toward the stars, inhaling deep breath after deep breath.
It was a helpful reminder, to see that I was so small, and in turn, my problems were, too.
“Ah, and here I thought I was alone.”
I jumped at the deep voice, blinking over and over as I pulled my eyes from the first quarter moon above and let them adjust. Slowly, a figure came into view, a dark shadow in the hot tub on the other side of the pool. The more my eyes adjusted, the more I recognized Theo’s long, slightly bent nose and square jaw.
“Oh God, I’m so sorry,” I rushed out, already turning for the stairs.
Theo chuckled, and I heard the water splash behind me as he lifted both hands out of the water. “No, no, please, stay.”
My cheeks were on fire as I shook my head, so embarrassed by being caught lost in space like a weirdo that I didn’t even have the right words to decline. “I’m sure you want privacy, I’m sorry
