“Mm-hmm,” I answered, not even looking away from my book.
Joel sighed, gently placing his fingertips on the top of the pages until I lowered the book into my lap. “Hey, I know we haven’t… I know things have been…”
He paused, his mouth pulling to one side. He couldn’t even find the words to explain what we were.
Or what we weren’t.
Joel shook his head. “I just… maybe we could use a night out. Me and you. Together.”
My heart stopped. “What?”
“I know you’ve been wanting to for a while, and I’ve been…” Again, he stopped, looking out the window of our cabin with a strange look in his eyes. His brows were pinned together, corner of his lips turned down in a frown.
I reached for his arm. “Are you okay?”
He didn’t look at me for a long while, and when he did, it was like staring into the eyes of a stranger. “Do you ever feel like you’ve lost your way?”
I swallowed.
“I know it sounds…” He waved his hand. “I don’t know. It’s just, we go along with all these things, and we think we know who we are and what we’re doing but then…”
He didn’t finish the thought, but my stomach was knotted up more and more with each word he spoke. Even when I was angry with him, I couldn’t help but love him — it was all I’d done since I was a freshman in college. For four years I’d loved that boy through every up and down life handed us. And in that moment, I saw Joel sitting on the edge of my bed in my college dorm. I saw the same worry in his face that I’d seen before a big final, or before we said goodbye to each other for a summer, or before he went home to visit his addict parents for a holiday.
Say something.
Hold him.
Tell him you understand.
Tell him you love him.
My heart screamed at me, but every time it did, my body would refuse the request. I was torn between seeing Joel as the boy I’d loved since I was nineteen and the man who had so casually tossed my feelings aside.
They were one in the same, and I couldn’t see one without the other.
“It sounds like you need the night out,” I said with a laugh, hoping the comment would lighten the mood. “Go have fun with your friends. Okay? I do understand what you’re saying,” I confessed, rubbing his arm. “And… I think we should talk. But not tonight. Tonight, I’ve got a date with a Duke,” I said, holding up my book. “And you should enjoy Italy with your friends.”
“But not with you,” he said dryly. “You’d rather sit here and read a book than spend a night in Italy with your boyfriend.”
My defenses rose at the accusation in his eyes. “You’ve had all summer to spend time with me, Joel. Why are you only now choosing to do so?”
At that, he scoffed, shaking his head as he stood abruptly and shook my grip off his arm. “Good question.”
He left me without another word.
For a while, I just sat there, staring at the door Joel had passed through and wondering what was wrong with me. Not because I had declined his offer to go ashore and spend the evening together, but because I didn’t feel bad about it.
In fact, I knew if I could rewind time, I would do it again.
Something about that killed me.
“I’m not sure what I expected when you said you were making us dinner,” I said, popping another fry into my mouth. “But this was definitely not it.”
Theo chuckled, using his fork and knife to cut into the fried fish cutlet on his plate. His blond hair looked a bit lighter against his freshly tanned skin from our time in the sun, and his gray eyes glowed under the chandelier light. He wore white jeans that hugged him in ways that should have been illegal in any country, paired with a baby blue button down and a navy sports jacket that he’d tossed over the back of his chair when we sat down.
I was wearing the orange dress he bought me in Positano, along with the yellow sapphire earrings — they’d shown back up on top of mine and Joel’s dresser, and I figured one of the stewardesses found them when they were cleaning. I had also braided my hair over one shoulder, leaving my neck exposed.
When Theo saw me, it was the first time all week that I saw his bravado falter, his eyes dipping down to my chest, to the slit where my leg peeked through each time I walked.
“I grew up on fish and chips,” he said. “My mom’s favorite when she was little. Dad hates the dish,” he added with a laugh. “But he’s a smart man and knows making Mum happy is what matters most.”
“Mum,” I repeated with a chuckle.
“Yes, mum,” he said, tossing a French fry across the table at me.
I batted it away on another laugh. “Your English heritage sneaks up on you every now and then, doesn’t it?”
“Oh, you should hear me when I’m watching a game of football.” He held up his finger, swallowing his next bite before he added. “Not American football, but the real thing.” Theo shook his head. “I get an accent and everything. Completely absurd.”
He said the last two words with a terrible English accent that had me bending over in a fit of laughter, and when it settled, I took a sip of water while Theo watched me across the candlelit table.
“Has anyone ever told you that you have this air about you?” I asked.
“How so?”
I shrugged. “You just… you have this sort of… power that radiates off you. Confidence. Swagger. Like a king.”
“A king, huh?” Theo said, kicking back
