“Flynn, you there?” a familiar voice brought me out of the shit hole of my mind.
I adjusted the phone against my ear. “Yeah, I’m here.”
“So, what happened next? Did you kiss her?”
I rolled my eyes. “No, Oliver. I freaked the fuck out and drove away from her!”
He didn’t say anything for a few seconds before letting out a deep chuckle. “You ran away from the woman you’ve been obsessed with for years. Makes total sense.”
“Shut up, you ass,” I grumbled. “Fuck did she look good though.”
Her hair had become a more vibrant shade of red than I remembered. She’d embraced the curls she used to hate in high school, letting them bounce around loosely. Freckles still dusted her heart-shaped face with those big brown bedroom eyes that used to drive me wild. I never got to take her the way I wanted, but I respected the hell out of her for her morals. I wondered if she still had the same aspirations.
Shit, I didn’t even know if she was single. My heart twisted in my chest at the thought.
“I bet. Seeing my Millie after we were sent home was a God send. I love that woman,” he spoke about his wife, his voice raising an octave. “Our daughter turned two last month.”
“Congrats, man. Is there a truth to the terrible twos?” I thumbed at engravings in the watch. Fiddling with it became a nervous tick.
I heard an overdramatic groan from the other side. “Hell yeah. Don’t even get me started.”
“Sounds like fun.” I stuffed the watch back in my pocket and got to my feet. “Listen, I’ve been out on the farm all day. I’m going to get off here and clean up.”
“Yeah, alright. Care if I stick my nose where it doesn’t belong?”
“Go on.” I rolled my eyes. That was what Oliver did best. He got into everyone’s business and loved to help when he could.
“Don’t avoid her, Flynn. Life’s too short to not spend it with the ones we love.”
I was silent for a few seconds, staring out at the countryside from the wrap around porch of the old house. The rolling hills were bathed in a soft evening glow, cows grazed with calves at their sides growing bigger by the day, grass grew taller in the meadows, swaying and rustling as crickets chirped. “There’s no way in God’s green earth that woman still loves me after what I did.”
“You won’t know if you don’t try. What’s the harm in reaching out?” he asked.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “If she moved on or doesn’t care about me anymore, I’d break worse than I already am.”
After exchanging our goodbyes we ended the call, and I mosied inside. Ma was tending to something on the gas stove as I walked in to make myself a glass of water. Our relationship was still tense, but I was trying to forgive her for the past. It wasn’t her fault my father was an abusive piece of shit.
“Good evening, Flynn. How was the farm today?”
I poured my glass of water and put the pitcher back in the fridge. “Fine.”
“Are you picking up on the duties well?”
A sigh poured out of me. “Yeah. I got it. It’s not that hard, not with help.”
Her posture stiffened as she pointed to the kitchen chair. The splintered wooden table and chairs had witnessed every heated argument to the moment that bastard broke a liquor bottle on my face. My hand hovered over the scar. If this kitchen could talk, it would rehash all the toxic shit that chipped away at me.
I walked to the chair and sat down, an audible creak sounding below me. She shuffled over after setting her spoon down and sat down opposite of me. Her eyes pierced mine, and I knew we were going to talk about something I wasn’t going to like.
I shifted my gaze to the glass of cool water in front of me. Condensation beaded on the outside, and I ran my finger down the glass, watching the droplets drip off. “What is it, Ma? I’m tired.”
“I need to be honest with you or else I’ll hold my tongue too long. I love you, son. More than you could ever know.” I glanced up and noticed her steeple her fingers to stabilize the trembling. “Your Pa wasn’t a good father. He’d be the first to admit it after you left home. Frank regretted the night he hit you and died remorseful for the way he lived. He never laid a finger on me again after you left, and he stopped drinking.”
There weren’t enough words to express what went through my head. Every muscle tensed as anger swept through me. I ground my jaw as I contemplated the right thing to say.
She reached over and squeezed my hand. “You don’t have to say anything, Flynn. I just needed to get that off my chest.”
I pulled my hand back as if she’d burnt me. “Do you know what my childhood was like?”
Her eyes widened as she pulled her hands into her lap and dropped her head. “I’m so sorry.”
“You’re my mom. I was supposed to be able to count on you, but you let him treat you like the dirt on the bottom of his boot. I watched him berate you, smack you, and when I finally got a backbone to stop it he turned that shit on me.”
Her head shook, and I could see the tears rolling down her cheeks. But I couldn’t stop spewing my damn feelings.
“I know you loved me,
