“It’s okay to be angry, baby. I don’t know how, being human, you can avoid it.”
“That’s what appeals to you the most, isn’t it? The sense that you won’t be left hanging, in any respect. That you’re an important person in your own right and deserve to be seen and heard. And that you don’t have to fight any dragons alone.”
“Yes, that’s absolutely a part of it. But it’s more—even more basic than that.” Rachel tried to think of how to put into words the emotions roiling within her. She shrugged and looked at the men in turn. “It’s the hugs.” Her voice cracked on those three words, but she couldn’t do anything about that.
“At the roadhouse?” She didn’t think it was her imagination that Brandon’s tone had turned gentle.
Rachel’s throat had tightened. She didn’t think she could get another word out, so she simply nodded.
As she looked down at her hands, a teardrop fell on her left one. She inhaled deeply and just let it go. Her throat eased. “Do you know how much they meant to me? Those hugs? How it felt to finally be…touched? Connected? Imagine living your life never being able to touch someone in a deeply personal way, a way meant to recharge your own batteries, meet your own needs. Imagine spending a lifetime of reaching out for…for simple human love…and being rebuffed—always being rebuffed.
“Neither of my parents were people to show affection. Buck didn’t, either. One thing I’ve always made sure I’ve done, what I spent hours doing from the time when she was a baby, was to hug my Libby. Not a day has gone by when I haven’t hugged her and told her that I love her. Not one single day.
“And then you hugged me. Both of you. It was the most soul-deep, incredible…me-thing I’d ever experienced in my entire life. Above and beyond the incredible lovemaking we’ve shared, those hugs simply destroyed me—in the very best way.”
“It will be an absolute joy for us, both together and individually, to make sure you’re held every day that we’re with you.”
“Thank you.” She inhaled again and then met their gazes once more. She’d bared her soul and knew, as she looked at these two men, that she was safe. Her words, her emotions, all she’d given them was safely held within their hands.
“I don’t know if I can explain to you why I need to feel in control—in the bedroom, yes, but, to a lesser extent, just generally.” Brandon reached over and picked up Rachel’s hand. “It’s important to me that you let me do what I can to keep you safe and also to care for you. To see you’re never overworked or overstressed. With Trace, to do the heavy lifting for you. It’s just the way I’m wired.”
“For me, it’s a lesser need, but I know where it comes from. It was born when my father died.” Trace copied Brandon’s gesture, taking her hand, holding it. Connected. These men got her.
“I saw my mother struggle to be both mother and father, and I was old enough to remember what it had been like when my dad was there. He definitely had a dominant personality. I recall thinking that the right way to do things, as a man in a relationship with a woman, was to be the one to take the hits. I’ve been with a few women.” He gave her a quick grin, and Rachel couldn’t help but grin right back. “In those relationships, I felt as if I was missing something. Already, as soon as this is for us, together? Nothing’s missing. This feels right.”
“This isn’t a casual ‘friends with benefits’ kind of arrangement we want with you.” Brandon held her gaze in a way that told her the words he’d just said were important to him.
“Good. I’ve never had a casual relationship. I don’t want casual.”
Brandon and Trace looked at each other for a long moment. When Trace nodded slightly, they both focused their attention on her. Not surprising, Brandon spoke for them both.
“What we hope for, Rachel, is that you’ll come to love us as we’re coming to love you. That you’ll be open to building a life with us. We’re aiming at forever here.”
Her heart tripped, and she wondered at the strange combination of joy and sorrow that coursed through her.
“I…I don’t know yet if I—” She stopped talking when Brandon laid a finger on her lips.
“We know that, baby. You wanted us to take this one day at a time, and we are. But we felt as if it would be a kind of lying to you, knowing what was already in our hearts and not telling you.”
She should be just as honest with them. You have been honest. She had told them, even before they made love for the first time, that she likely would never be able to have their babies. No, you said you probably won’t have any more babies. That was the same thing, or near enough. She recalled, then, they’d each taken a moment to think about that.
Maybe not all men are focused on having sons to carry on their names. Buck certainly had been. The truth was Buck had never really wrapped himself in the cloak of fatherhood, not even from the first day. Leading up to Libby’s birth, Buck had talked about Rachel carrying his son. At the time, it had sounded more like a status symbol, as if the life growing inside her had only one value. Maybe he wasn’t just being “a man.” Maybe he was being self-centered.
“Rachel.”
She blinked and focused on Brandon.
He nodded. “You need to practice staying in the moment with us.”
“I normally don’t have so much trouble doing that.” She wouldn’t be able to do all she did if she was
