I picked up my cell.
“I don’t want you to contact me anymore,” I texted Daniel. “I don’t want to hear from you again.”
“Catch you at a bad time?”
“No, this is a good time. Don’t call or text. I’m serious. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to. I’m done.”
There was a long pause and I thought he’d gone away from his phone.
“You’re too vanilla for me anyway. You don’t have it in you to explore new things.”
He was angry. And he was right. I’d pushed my boundaries as far as they went. His went further into sadism than I’d ever expected. Maybe I was vanilla. But I was strong and true to myself, and in the end, that was better than exploring any sexual fantasies I could dream up.
I got the box of clothespins out from my top closet shelf, carried them to the kitchen, and dumped them, one by one, into the trash, on top of broken eggshells, granola-bar wrappers, and crumpled paper towels. I thought about taking a pic of the buried clothespins and sending it to Daniel, but that would open myself up to him again, and I couldn’t take that risk. I didn’t even want them in my house, so I tied the bag and carried it out to the trash, letting the lid close with a crash.
I blocked Daniel, then deleted our entire conversation history, his name in my contact list, his phone number in my call log. There was no way for us to reach each other anymore.
Thankfully, Ian was out. I texted Eddie.
“I need you,” I said simply.
“Be over in twenty.”
Over tall glasses of wine, I told Eddie everything, right down to the last detail.
“Are you kidding me about this?” he asked incredulously. “You did clothespins?”
I nodded my head miserably.
“Aw chicky,” Eddie said, reaching across the table to hold my hands. “What’s a sweet woman like you doing with a dom with an attitude?”
“I didn’t know what I was getting into,” I gulped at the wine. “I liked having a secret life, not the same old dull life I had with a stupid job. My best friends are my kids and a little dog…and I liked Daniel. I really liked him.”
“Geez, you didn’t see any of this coming? Did you try to read his aura?”
“I didn’t think of it…a lot of it was over the phone.” I finished my wine and reached for the bottle to pour another glass.
“Yeah, phone sex—that’s a dangerous game to play.”
“It was fun at first…until it wasn’t.”
“Well, you tried something new. Good for you. Now we gotta get you back on track. And your life isn’t stupid. I’d be the first one to tell you if it was.”
“Thanks.”
“Good thing the April classes are starting soon,” Eddie said decisively. “Whaddya say we venture into the world of coin collecting and tarot card reading?”
“Anything you want, sweetie. I’m in.”
“I’d rather see you rolling coins than on these roller-coaster relationships.”
“Agreed,” I said.
I picked Penny up and we both looked out the kitchen window at the bare trees. It felt like March would never come to an end. If spring was a time for fresh starts, I needed it, badly.
78
A week later, it was a stressful as usual day at work. Wes and Paulie were arguing over the name of the grocer whose store had closed in 1975, and whether Sal’s old sump pump would keep his basement dry when the rainy season came along. No mindless topic was off limits.
My cell vibrated on my desk. It was a call from Maddy, which was strange because she couldn’t use her phone at the doctor’s office, and she couldn’t be at lunch: it was only 10:30 a.m.
I took my phone into the bathroom.
“Mom?” Madison sounded frantic, and I sat down hard on the toilet seat.
“What’s wrong? What is it?”
“I stopped at your house to throw in some laundry.” Madison was hard to understand, and I realized she was trying to catch her breath.
“Are you all right?” I felt my own panic rising in my throat.
“It’s Penny, Mom.”
“Penny?”
It had been chilly in the house, so I put a little orange fleece doggie jacket on her. Then I left for work as I always did, telling her I’d be right back and I loved her. She had settled down on the kitchen floor to wait for me.
“What about Penny? Is she hurt?” I had an immediate image of little Penny with one of her spindly legs in a cast, dragging it around behind her, and felt a tug at my heart.
“Mom,” Madison sobbed. “She’s gone.”
“You mean she got out?” I pictured Madison opening the door and Penny, always full of energy, bounding out and racing down the street.
“Mom, she’s gone. She died.”
Nothing she said made any sense. I felt a copper taste in the back of my mouth even as my mind rejected what she had said.
“That can’t be true. She may be hiding somewhere, sleeping.”
“Mom, I’m looking at her right now. She looks like she’s sleeping, she looks peaceful, but she’s—she’s,” Madison was unable to get the word out. “She’s cold, Mom.”
My ears began to ring. I tried to stand up, but my knees gave out and I sank to the green linoleum bathroom floor. I felt a scream forming but when it came out, it was a low moan.
I wiped my sweaty forehead on the sleeve of my sweater. Shivering, I struggled to get off the floor, using the sink to balance myself and open the door. The ringing in my ears was so loud I couldn’t hear my own voice. I somehow managed to open the bathroom door and step out.
“I need to—to go,” I said to Joe.
Surprise registered on all the men’s faces.
“You OK?” Joe said. “You look like you should sit down.”
“You’re pale as a ghost,” Wes agreed. “Want some water?”
I made my way to the main door, using my shoulder to push it open. Outside, the wind whipped my hair into my
