I drop the mittens on the floor and run over to her, guilt attacking my nervous system. Before I know it, she’s in my arms, and I’m rocking her back and forth as I kick the oven door shut.
What the fuck did I do to her?! I burned this poor baby.
I turn on the cold water and run her arm under it, hoping it helps, but she screams louder in pain. Tears roll down my cheeks as I pace back and forth with her. Little sobs drench my hair as I squeeze her tighter, rubbing my hands over her curls, hoping the pain will spread to me, instead.
“I’m sorry, Emersyn. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me, baby,” I repeat the words like a mantra over and over, just hoping they’ll make her stop.
The sun shines in from the window, reminding me that Jaxon’s outside. I run to the door with Emersyn in my arms, pull it open, and scream Jaxon’s name so loud I feel the tearing of my vocal cords.
The look of terror on his face when he finds us both crying adds even more panic to my chest.
I hurt his baby, just like I knew I would. He’ll hate me.
“Oh my God, what happened?!” He runs over to the both of us, looking Emersyn up and down first and then quickly checking me all over.
He guides us inside, closes the door, and quickly drops the keys on the floor. “Mama!” Emersyn squeezes me tighter, so I hand her to Jaxon, but she clings to my neck. Emersyn screams and reaches for me as Jaxon pries her off me, my sobs uncontrollable now.
I rub the tears from my eyes. “I burned her, Jaxon.” A gasp for air immediately follows that statement. “I burned your baby.” A violent cough starts in my chest, and bile makes its way up my throat, but I swallow it down.
I hold on to the wall to keep myself steady as Jaxon looks over Emersyn again, noticing the burn on her forearm that’s bubbling up into a blister.
His eyes widen as he screams, “Fuck!” And runs to the kitchen with her in his arms. She’s still screaming as I slowly follow behind him, the room spinning, feeling like I may faint. I knew this would happen.
He opens the refrigerator, takes out one of Emersyn’s yogurt cups, and rips open the lid with his teeth, spitting it onto the kitchen floor. He drops to the floor with the baby in his lap as she pulls at her hair in frustration.
I watch as Jaxon sticks two fingers in the cold mush and rubs it over her burn. She’s hiccupping and gasping for breath now, agony covering every corner of her beautiful little face.
His breathing is heavy. “I remember hearing that yogurt helps.” Jaxon looks as though he may cry when he turns towards me with a pained look in his eyes. “Tell me what happened.”
“I-I-I was checking the casserole,” I gesture towards the oven. “I didn’t know she was awake.” I wipe at the wetness running out of my nose. “I just turned the music a little louder. It wasn’t too loud. I took the food from the oven and was checking it--”
He interrupts me, “Did you close the door? How’d she get burned?”
My cheeks are drenched from tears as I shake my head in shame. “I-I didn’t. It was barely a minute. I didn’t know she was in the kitchen, Jaxon. I’m so sorry.” He nods his head and stands up, placing Emersyn in her high chair as she holds her arm in pain.
He pulls at the long strands of hair on his head in a panic. “I’m gonna take her to the emergency room.” He grabs his wallet and places it in his pocket with shaky fingers. I stay quiet, squeezing my eyes shut and pulling at my own hair. When my eyes open, Jaxon’s wrapping Emersyn’s arm in a small shirt and putting her coat over her.
I repeat again, “I’m so sorry, Jaxon.” I reach for him, but he’s already turned to leave, lost in his own emotions.
“I know Cameron, I know you are. Let me just get her checked out.” I watch as he walks away, defeated.
His mind is thirty steps ahead of him, already at the hospital imagining the worst-case scenario. And I did this. Emersyn rests her tired head on his shoulder as he walks to the door, her little whimpers shaky as he opens it, exhausted and defeated from the crying and pain.
When the door is shut, I run towards the window and watch as he carries her to the garage, kissing her multiple times as he rubs her back. I can read the I’m sorry coming from his lips from here. He’s apologizing for something I did.
Or maybe for letting me into her life.
I’ve been trying to tell him I’m no good around children. He wouldn’t listen. Jaxon has spent so much time trying to prove me wrong, he didn’t stop to think maybe I was actually right. I saw the burnt flesh when I ran her arm under the water. It’s only about three inches long, but it still should’ve never happened.
If Jaxon was alone, his daughter never would’ve gotten hurt. If Jaxon was with someone else, someone fit to care for her, this never would’ve happened.
I was hurt by adults growing up, and the thought of me contributing to any pain that Emersyn may feel has all the contents in my stomach rising in my throat. I know the pain she feels all too well. I know those screams first hand because I’ve experienced them more times than I care to remember…
“Hi, I’m Molly,” I whisper as I hold a doll in each hand.
“Hi, I’m Sally.” I bring them closer so they can hug.
I hear the yelling from outside my door as I play with the Barbies I found in my lady neighbor’s garbage pail. Mommy and Daddy are fighting again. The sound of glass breaking makes me jump.
