“Whenever I was with a girlfriend in high school or early college,” Devlin started, “I’d do the lean in to touch her breast, the way I thought I was supposed to do. If she let me touch her, okay, cool, I would feel her breasts. It wasn’t horrible and it didn’t squick me out. I even liked it when she got excited by what I did to her, but it just never worked me up to a place where I had to know more. If I moved in for a touch and she said no, it didn’t faze me. I didn’t feel like I was missing something that I really wanted. But while I had those girlfriends, at various times during high school, there were also these three boys in particular that I found really fascinating, and I wanted to know everything about them.”
His smile changed the second he mentioned the boys, became something full of light and life, and that told Gradyn as much as Devlin’s story did.
Devlin went on, fully animated again. “I never thought ‘God, I want to get naked with these guys and do dirty things.’ I just liked being near them in the hallway when I could, and I spent a lot of time trying to get close enough so I could smell them. One in particular--Johnny--he had this barely-there hint of baby powder smell on his skin in the morning when he first got to school, and if I got close enough to smell him before my first period class I would think about it all day.” Devlin closed his eyes for a minute, and his nostrils flared. Then he quickly put his attention back on Gradyn with hardly a blush. “Anyway, if we were in the same group together for some reason, I always wanted to say something he, or one of the other boys, would think was funny. I wanted to make them laugh so they would think I was cool and maybe they would want to get to know me better. I wanted them to want to hang out with me because I so wanted to be in their world. You know?”
Gradyn nodded. “I’m with you. Keep going.”
“So I had those kinds of thoughts, but I also had a girlfriend. I liked hanging out with the girls I dated, and I enjoyed kissing them. At the same time, I also had these sort of innocent desires for these boys, and so I wasn’t sure what all of that information together was supposed to mean. That all changed when I kissed Kevin.” Devlin bit his lower lip, and when he blinked and looked at Gradyn, muted heat burned in his eyes. “Feeling his mouth on mine exploded something inside me. I knew that this was how most guys feel when they kiss girls. It was how I should have felt when I was with my old girlfriends, if I were straight. I wanted to tear off Kevin’s clothes and learn every part of him in a way I never had with any of my girlfriends. But mostly, right in that moment, on that couch, I wanted to see and touch Kevin’s cock.
“There wasn’t anything innocent or confusing about what I wanted when I thought about boys anymore; it switched to something raw and real. I wanted to taste Kevin all over; I wanted to suck his prick, and I wanted to see him shoot all over himself and all over me when he came.” Devlin shook his head as a soft chuckle rumbled through him. “He held his dick out for me, and I went down on him and went to town. It was sloppy as hell and I couldn’t take much of him that night, but he didn’t seem to mind. I did a good enough job to make him come; he shouted as he did it, and I loved it so much I stained my sweats with my own excitement.”
Gradyn found himself completely caught up in Devlin’s history. “Did Kevin lose his shit when he sobered up and realized what happened?”
“No, he didn’t,” Devlin answered. “He fell asleep like a minute later, and I admit I chose to fall asleep right on top of him, snuggled up close, rather than pulling away. I wanted to know what holding another guy felt like; I hadn’t done that with a girl before. I hadn’t even really thought about it, but I wanted to with him. Kevin woke up a few hours later. He did nudge me off him, but he didn’t shove or yell. He wiped the drool off his mouth and asked me if I was gay. I told him I was.” Devlin kept his head up and his eyes on Gradyn, and strength infused his voice and stance. “Nobody had ever asked me that before, but when he did, I didn’t even hesitate. Kevin said that was cool with him, but he wasn’t, and that we weren’t going to end up boyfriends because of what happened.”
“Did you believe him?”
“Oh yeah, totally,” Devlin said, without hesitation. “He had this mad hopeless crush on this girl--Emily Hirsh--and I knew it was real because I’d seen the way he looked at her a thousand times when we crossed paths. He wanted her so much; it was visible in every pore of him, you know? She didn’t know he existed, and he was at my place moping one night--about a month after what happened between us--and it happened again. We just started kissing and I ended up giving him another blowjob. He told me again that it couldn’t turn into anything. I told him I didn’t really care, that I just wanted a guy to touch and be near, and that he didn’t even have to reciprocate. He never officially agreed, but over the next two months we probably
