Marek's body remained stalwart, but his gaze dropped down to his lap. “I've been with one man, one time, a different man, twice, and I was with Payton for a year. I used a rubber with the first two men, at my insistence, and upfront Payton always said he would request one. I accommodated him. I didn't mind.” Marek cleared his throat and looked up, finding Colin in the darkness. “I don't have any here at the house and don't know if on the floor there I could have stopped with you.”
Colin's heart tripped, and his stomach flip-flopped, revving up his nerves. It always felt like he stripped himself naked when he talked about his sex life, as if he gave up a piece of his power and control, but once again this man pushed him to places he'd never been before. “I've only been with two people and always used condoms with both. I did go out with three other men long enough that I traded blowjobs with them, but they both fizzled out before I trusted them enough for sex.” God, don't think I'm a loser. “Neither of my relationships reached a one-year point.” He opened his mouth, prepared to spill reasons for his break-ups but zipped his lip instead. He doesn't need to know everything at once. A little bit at a time. Colin shifted to a seated position and drew his legs to his chest. “It's funny; I only met you again a few days ago, but inside I feel like I've been with you for much longer. That's probably why, in a practical sense, I thought to steal a condom from my friend Tom, but when it came down to it, it never occurred to me to use it.”
Looking straight ahead, his body still in that locked position, Marek nodded. “With your dreams, that makes sense.”
A small smile escaped Colin. “Then we're good with what happened.” He went right back to worrying his cheek. “Is that what we're saying?”
Marek nodded again, still without looking at Colin. “Yeah, I think so. That's what I'm saying.”
“Me too.”
Quiet took them over once again. Colin wrapped his arms tightly around his legs, fighting to contain his need to push more information out of Marek. His fingers itched to shake the man to see what would fall out, and the rest of his body wanted to crawl onto Marek's lap and hope strong arms would embrace him. He needed them, after his dream.
Abruptly, Marek turned, looking to Colin, and his eyes glittered in the shadows. “You were right, you know.” His voice was a little rough. “I haven't been with anyone, in any way, since Payton died.”
Colin breathed a silent sigh of success. “Tell me about him.”
Marek shifted his focus, to his right, and stared at the blank TV screen. “I lost Payton two and a half years ago. He went out one night to have a few drinks with a friend, and they ended up at a gay bar. He asked me to go with them, like he always did, and I said no, like I always did. Pay didn't mind, but he always tried.” Marek stopped for a moment, and his throat convulsed. “Anyway, Pay's friend hooks up with someone, and Pay tells him—Brian—he's going to have one more drink and then head home. These other two guys overhear him, say they're new in town, and they offer to buy Pay his drink. Pay had gotten up early for work that day, and after agreeing and having a soda with the guys, decides to go home. He leaves Brian with his pickup, and the two new guys say they're heading out too. But instead of going to their car, they followed Pay to his and proceeded to beat the crap out of him, not stopping until his entire body was bloodied and broken.”
Marek stopped again, and this time rubbed a hand over his face before going on. “Police say they planned it; they were from outside Pittsburgh and saw something on TV about gay rights that got them fired up enough to head into the city to kill a fag. Pay was small, and when it became clear he would leave the bar alone, he became their perfect target. They went into that bar knowing what they were going to do right from the start. They planned it. They fucking planned to kill a man that night. And they did.” Marek's hands moved to his knees, and he flexed and clenched his fingers, in between scraping his palms on his pants. He blinked, and blinked, and blinked. “They were successful. Payton died in that parking lot, without me.”
Colin closed his eyes, shuddering as he empathetically experienced the final moments of Payton's life. With the nightmare of his own attack still so fresh in his mind, he swore he could feel the blows hitting his body, and automatically tensed to ward off a punch, suffering right along with Payton. Swallowing, Colin forced down tears and whispered, “I am so sorry for your loss.”
Shaking his head, Marek swiped a hand across his eyes. “I can never give Payton enough 'I'm sorry's' if I say it every day until I die. I was never with him; not out in public.” Anger fueled Marek's voice. “I wasn't open, in any way, barely even to a secret relationship, even though I fell for Pay pretty much from the second we met.”
“How did you meet?”
Marek chuckled, a real laugh, but still full of grit. “It's so awful. You'll laugh.”
The sound of humor from Marek sparked an ember of warmth in the cold blanketing Colin. “That's okay,” he said. “Tell me anyway.”
“It's such a porn movie cliché.” Sliding Colin a glance, a full smile actually lit Marek's face. “We saw each other at the grocery store, and within five
