Ernie has given up sitting on his own and pulled a chair up to our table. He says that he heard on the radio that all the airports had to shut down last night because every screen in the departure lounges went blank and also none of the pilots could see where they were going, which I believe is important. He says that it’s absolute chaos in London and all the hospitals are going mad. He says that even the traffic lights have stopped working because no one can control them with their computers any more. (I’m not that sad about that because it might mean that people start using their bikes more, which will be good for the environment and everything.) Ernie looks really worried by it all, but he also looks like he’s enjoying telling us all this. He smells a bit of beer.
When we pay for our food, Mum goes to leave the change as a tip, but Dad picks it up and puts it in his pocket. He says we might need all the actual money we can get.
When we get home, Dad fiddles with the radio again and finds a station called the World Service. It seems like the really posh presenter guy must have been talking to Ernie because he says loads of the same stuff. He said at first people thought it was the billionaires who’d made the screens go funny, but the billionaires said it wasn’t. They were like, ‘We love screens!’
So then they’d said it must be some government somewhere, but that government was like, ‘Are you kidding? What would we do THAT for?!’
Then the man said that everyone was really worried about the ‘markets’, which is ridiculous because I’ve been to markets and don’t remember any screens. It’s all just fruit and duvet covers.
Basically, I realized that NOT ONE GROWN-UP knew what was going on.
At first I was pleased it wasn’t just happening in Mousehole (which would be typical), but then I started to worry because suddenly it felt really big and mysterious. Anyway, Mum said we could have hot chocolate and we should read those books we never usually find the time to read, while her and Dad talked about grown-up stuff.
Teddy and I lay down together on his aeroplanes duvet and opened a comic. He was really tired and kept trying to use his fingers to zoom in on the pages. I stayed until he went to sleep.
Mum and Dad were still talking when I left Teddy. I went downstairs to see how long before they’d tuck me in. There was a woman on the radio saying it was really important we look after our elderly neighbours because old people might be feeling very lonely and anxious right now, especially those who live in the countryside and so on.
And that’s when Dad went white and said, ‘Oh God.’
I knew exactly what he was thinking because I was thinking it too.
It was the first time we’d thought about Grandma.
My grandma lives right on the other side of the country in a place called Rendlesham.
It’s got a big forest and UFOs used to land there.
I didn’t believe in UFOs until I saw a guy on YouTube who said they definitely exist and now I definitely believe they exist. But I don’t believe what he said about them smelling like onions because that seems a bit odd. You get a lot of weird people saying a lot of weird things on YouTube. I saw a video once where a man with a ponytail was talking for ages about how the Earth is flat. But, if the Earth is flat, then wouldn’t all the oceans just pour off into space? I don’t think he was a particularly rigorous thinker (‘rigorous’ is last month’s word and I love it). He even said that people all over the globe think the world isn’t round. I mean, hello? What shape are globes? So I gave the video a rigorous downvote and Mum took the iPad off me because she said she needed to keep an eye on what I watch, which I very much agree with.
You won’t believe what Grandma’s house is like. It has huge columns out the front like the White House and a big long garden filled with bunny rabbits and foxes, all getting along, like in a cartoon. There are trees and big bushes cut in the shape of cats. I remember it all vividly. I think Grandma’s probably a secret baroness or an eccentric millionaire or something. I don’t know what she is, except for a grandma. I guess even grandmas were something before they were grandmas? But I bet she at least knows the Queen. I bet they go bowling.
Dad’s always saying to Grandma, ‘We’ll have to visit again soon, Mum,’ but I’ve really only been to Grandma’s once that I properly remember because it’s so far away – it’s eight hours to drive there, or ten if it’s Dad that’s driving, or twelve if it’s Dad driving and there’s traffic – and because things are always so busy. We went a lot when I was little, apparently, but now we use Skype instead. I remember going there when Teddy was born. He got most of the attention on that trip just because he had youth on his side. That’s also why he thinks he can steal my chips or knock my stuff over whenever he likes. If they are not careful, Mum and Dad will raise a criminal.
Anyway, Dad gave Grandma an old computer she uses to send us messages and on Saturday mornings after swimming we Skype for a bit. Dad says that
