“Are you going back to LA?”
“Is it true that the police are after you?”
“Did you really do it?”
“What will you do?”
“No. Yes. I don’t know.” I didn't know which question I had answered. My mind was reeling. Where was Bree? I looked around, seeing her standing alone a safe distance from the crowd.
“I have to go.” I pushed through the crowd, trying to ignore their hands on me and their shouts. “Love you all.”
They screamed, calling my name, and a bunch of ‘I love you’s’ bounced back at me.
“Bree,” I gasped. “I’m sorry.”
She looked dazed, but gave me a small smile.
“It’s the first time I see this in real life,” she breathed. “It’s—” She looked at the flock of fans staring back at us. “How do you do it?”
“Do what?”
There was a sadness to her voice as she spoke. “Pretend.” She looked up at me, and the sadness shone through her eyes as well. “You looked like a different person with them, like all is fine. It ain't. You ain't fine.”
I nodded slowly. She was right.
“Just—a habit I guess.”
“Baby,” she whispered.
The girls came toward us.
“Johnny!”
“Don’t go!”
“You can stay here with me!”
“Come to Boston with me.”
“Boarding pass please.”
I turned to the woman at the desk, and handed it to her in a daze.
“Please—” I gestured toward Bree. “Let her come with me, through the door I mean. I can’t—” I threw a meaning look toward the crowd, then lowered my voice. “I can’t say goodbye to her like this.”
The woman seemed to think. “I’m sorry, sir, without a—”
“Please. Just for a minute.”
She must’ve heard the desperation in my voice because she sighed and flicked her eyes toward the entrance. “Just because it’s you, and make it quick.”
I gave her a big smile, and her face turned red.
“Come.” I grabbed Bree’s hand and practically ran from the crowd. On the other side of the door, I dropped the smile, sunk down on a chair and let out a quivering breath.
“Welcome to my life.”
She sat next to me, grabbed my hand and held it with both of hers. We were out of time.
“I love you.” She was struggling to not cry. “Don’t ever forget that.”
She placed one hand on my cheek, gazing into my eyes. I swallowed down a lump in my throat as the images of our previous goodbye on the boat flashed through my mind. It had been hard then, but now it felt impossible. How was I going to survive without her? For a few seconds I considered giving in and letting her come. Before I could tell her, my mind caught up with my heart and I clamped my mouth shut. The flock of fans was nothing compared to what lay ahead. Bree wasn't ready for it.
I reached up and placed my hand over hers.
“I love you.” The words still felt foreign on my tongue, and I said them with a mix of terror and pleasure. “Please wait for me.”
Tears fell from her eyes and she managed to whisper, “I will.”
“Sir, the gate is closing, you need to board the plane.”
I managed a small nod, stood up, and considered running the hell out of there. Looking down the passage that would lead me to the plane quickened my pulse and a thin layer of cold sweat made my skin crawl. I sucked in a slow trembling breath.
“You ok?” Bree asked, and I knew before even nodding that she could see through the lie. I needed more whiskey and a stronger dose of sleeping pills.
I felt worse than ever, and I didn't know why. I’d never had this reaction before even stepping into the damned thing. Something about Bree’s presence made the usual walls of self-preservation and fake calmness crumble. With her, I couldn’t hide from myself, no matter how badly I wanted to.
Her arms around me forced me out of my mind and back to reality. Struggling not to cry, I wrapped my arms around her and held her so tight my body muffled her sobs.
∞∞∞
I collapsed into my seat and closed my eyes in a desperate attempt to keep the tears from falling. Get a grip. I told myself. Get a fucking hold of yourself. I let my head fall back against the seat and breathed slowly in and out through my mouth.
The plane shook as it started to taxi.
Bree.
My sweet Bree.
Maybe if I thought of her, I could get through this.
The plane picked up its speed, turning onto the runway, then it paused a few seconds before getting ready for takeoff. My heart raced along with the engine. I couldn’t breathe.
Bree.
I imagined her face, her hair, her arms holding me—and the tears I’d held back since kissing her goodbye burst from my eyes. I choked on my breath, gasping for a new one as the plane started to move.
“Oh my God! Are you ok?”
I had no clue who sat next to me; I hadn’t dared to open my eyes.
“Fine.”
“You don’t look so fine.”
My throat tightened, cutting off my air supply. The plane accelerated, and the chatter of people and the crying baby a few seats ahead of mine all faded away in the roar of the engines. I grabbed the armrest and squeezed it so tight my arms shook from the tension. The plane lifted, and the few minutes of weightless panic wiped my mind clean. Everything turned black—silent and still. Then the sinking feeling crept up on me and I felt like vomiting.
Minutes dragged by too slowly, and when I was ready to throw myself off the plane to escape the terror that tore at my insides, the intense feelings slowly started to fade. Once the pills kicked in, the fear released me from its paralyzing grip. My body started to relax, and I could breathe again. My eyelids were heavy as I turned my head to glance at the woman next to me. She must've sensed me looking at her because she turned her head and
