God, he’d seen it in so many iterations, the stars in different alignments depending on what side of the globe or which hemisphere he was in, but somehow it still brought him comfort.
There were bigger things out there than him and his small life—no matter how big he tried to make it.
His cell rang.
He answered without bothering to glance at the screen. Only his family and a few old friends had this number.
“Brad,” Jaime said, sounding blissfully happy. “I’m surprised that you’re not somewhere without an internet connection.”
Considering he’d spent a fair amount of the last decade in exactly that scenario, he didn’t comment except to say, “I’m here.” Of course, it wasn’t until after he’d spoken the two words that he realized his tone was all wrong.
Silence.
“What’s wrong?”
Shit.
“Nothing,” he said, forcing his tone to be his normal cheerful. “I went to Coit Tower today, and it was . . . well, it was a big tower in the middle of the city, and yesterday I went to this beach—”
“Brad.”
Double shit.
Now he’d triggered both Jaime’s oldest brother side and his intuitive he-cares-for-animals-who-can’t-talk vet caring side.
Which basically meant, Brad was in for it now.
“How’s the honeymoon?” he asked instead, going for diversion. He didn’t want to hash through what was in his head. Not when he felt like it might be the key to a lot of the shit that had twisted him up for so long.
“The honeymoon’s great,” Jaime said. “Except for a certain younger brother, who thinks that he can get that shit of an attempt at distraction past me. “What’s going on?”
“Seriously. I’m fine.”
“And that’s horseshit. What’s up? Your flight to your future destination get canceled?”
“I’m staying in California.”
“For a few more weeks until we get back?” His brother sounded thrilled. “That’s great, we can catch up some more before you fly off again.”
“No.”
“Oh.” Disappointed now. “But at least with you living so close, we can hang out during the times you’re back.”
“No, Jaim.” Brad sighed. “I mean, I’m staying in California permanently. I’m thinking that most of my traveling days are at an end.”
A beat then, “Who are you, and what have you done to my brother?”
He sighed. Of course, Jaime wouldn’t understand. Brad barely knew what was going through his head himself. All he knew was that he wanted Heidi, he wanted something more permanent and fixed, he wanted a place to live that wasn’t a tiny, dark, questionably clean apartment, where he could build something that wasn’t fueled by excitement for the next grand thing out there.
He wanted to be happy with who and where and what he was now.
Because . . . he had a feeling he’d spent all these years running.
“Brad?” Jaime asked. “Did I lose you?”
He clenched his jaw, released it. “No, I’m here.”
Jaime’s voice gentled. “I was just kidding, you know.”
Forcing a laugh, he said, “I know. It’s fine. How’s the resort?”
“The reason I won’t ever seriously complain about all your traveling,” Jaime told him. “Being sequestered here with Kate is definitely no hardship.”
“Is it as good as I remember?”
“Better.”
Brad hadn’t stayed on site—it was a bit too expensive and catering for his tastes, especially for a single man traveling by himself. But it was perfect for a honeymooning couple who’d deserved plenty of pampering, pool-side service, and good restaurants for whenever they decided to emerge from their room.
“But just because I’m getting copious amounts of exercise with my beautiful wife—and I don’t mean in the gym—”
“I never thought you did,” he muttered.
“Just because I’m having copious amounts of glorious sex with my lovely wife,” he corrected, “doesn’t mean my brain has rotted. I know something is up with you. So, out with it already. Otherwise we’ll both be here all night.”
“I can just hang up.”
“I’ll call back.” A pause. “Or I’ll sic Mom on you.”
Sighing and rubbing the throb that had mysteriously appeared in his temple, he tried something else. “Look, I’m just a little tired tonight. I stayed up late working on a project and . . .”
“And what?” Jaime pressed.
“Did you ever wish you were different?”
That hadn’t been the thought he’d been forming in his mind, the words he was trying to pull together were going to be more along the lines of something to put his brother at ease, a way to move on with this conversation. But, as silence greeted him over the airwaves, Brad realized it was the most important question.
The thing that was at the crux of everything.
Why the souvenirs from his travel meant so much, but also made him feel sad by reminding him that he’d missed out on a lot.
He’d had grand adventures, but he’d used them to build his identity, until that identity was more him than he was.
He was that guy—the one too busy looking to the future to appreciate the now. Hell, he’d been too enamored of that future to be anything but terrified of the now.
But the thought that was nagging at him was why.
Why was he terrified to be present, to be fully in this moment?
Was it because it might not live up to expectations? Or . . . was it something else?
And why didn’t he know? Shouldn’t he understand what was going on in his own brain?
Seriously. Why the fuck didn’t he understand what was going on in his brain?
“Different how?” Jaime asked quietly.
Brad blinked away the thoughts, the questions that, at that time, were frustratingly unnerving and unanswerable.
“I’m not sure,” he admitted.
“That’s not an answer.”
A bolt of anger shot through him, and a retort was actually on the tip of his tongue before he bit it back. This wasn’t his brother’s fault. It was his own irritation that he couldn’t understand the tangle in his mind and heart,
