His eyes are watering again but this time he keeps the tears at bay. ‘I feel like I’ve let you down most of all. I promised you I wouldn’t stop until I found out what happened to Anna, but we’re no closer to knowing who took her, nor how she ended up at Pendark. And if she is the one we found…’
I reach out and take his hand in mine. ‘If that is my sister, then you will have achieved something I never could in bringing her home to me. I’ve always accepted deep down the possibility that I would never learn the truth about what happened to her, so you shouldn’t feel like you’re failing anyone. She went missing twenty-one years ago, Jack; that’s a helluva lot of history to churn through.’
His face softens for the first time all day and I catch a glimpse of the old Jack again, fighting to break through.
‘I miss this, you know,’ he says. ‘I never appreciated just how good you are at seeing the edges of the jigsaw pieces, and how they fit together in a logical manner. I don’t doubt if we had you supporting the investigation we would have made more progress, and plotted a better course out of the maze.’
I squeeze his hand. ‘I’ve missed you too.’
Jack swivels around so he’s facing me better. ‘I’m glad to hear you say that. After we worked together on the Aurélie Lebrun case, it felt like… I don’t know… like something had changed between us. I know you said you weren’t interested in pursuing anything romantically with me with everything that was going on, but right before I joined the NCA, I got the impression you’d lost interest altogether.’
My cheeks are burning with embarrassment. When I' invited him in to apologise, I hadn’t anticipated having to discuss my personal feelings. I’m not ready; I need time to prepare and think about how I feel. That’s the beauty of writing: you get to sketch an idea and then edit it until it’s just right. On the spot conversations are not my strong suit.
How I wish Rachel was here. My best friend would know what to say right now, but she’s off in Barcelona living her best life whilst her beautiful girlfriend Daniella is modelling. Not that I begrudge Rachel any happiness; God knows, she deserves a little positivity in her life, and I am so relieved she and Daniella worked things out.
‘You need to say something,’ Jack says, edging closer. ‘Was I imagining it?’
‘To be honest, I didn’t know where I stood after you slept with your former flame, DS Zoe Cavendish.’
I’ve never seen a frown form so quickly on anyone’s brow. ‘What? I never slept with Zoe!’
‘It’s okay, Jack, it’s not like we’re involved. You’re free to pursue whoever you wish.’
He’s shaking his head in disbelief. ‘No, but I didn’t. Zoe is an old acquaintance, rather than an old flame. There’s never been anything between us, at least nothing like that! What the hell made you think I’d slept with her?’
I can’t read him. In my head I know he slept with her, but he is putting up such a strong defence that my conviction is waning.
‘She told me you did – or at least she implied it. And you did crash at her place for a couple of nights. Given your history…’
‘She told you we slept together? Wait until I speak to her next… For the record, I have never slept with DS – sorry, she’s a DI now – Zoe Cavendish. When we first met at police training, I was already involved with Chrissie – Mila’s mum – and I’m not the sort to do the dirty on someone I’m seeing. I can’t believe you actually thought I would have slept with Zoe of all people. She’s hardly my type, is she?’
It’s my turn to shrug. ‘How would I know, Jack? I don’t know what “your type” is.’
He looks down at his hands, still shaking his head. ‘It’s you, Emma.’ He looks up and meets my stare. ‘You’re my type. Someone who is smart, and funny, and doesn’t realise how special and beautiful she is.’
My heart is racing so quickly it may very well fly out of my chest. God, why are my hands suddenly so clammy? I’ve been waiting to hear someone say those words to me, but now that they’re here, I feel nauseous. Is he about to try and kiss me again? I’ve had no time to ready myself for this! My lips are chapped by the cold weather and I’m dressed in a plaid skirt and turtleneck jumper.
He takes my hands in his. ‘I don’t want you to doubt how I feel about you, Emma, but…’ He pauses. ‘There is so much going on right now with work and Mila that I don’t think it would be fair on either of us to pursue this right now. I need to sort things out and get my head clear, but once I do, I hope we can explore this at some point.’
He releases my hands, and is quickly on his feet, looking at his watch. ‘I need to get back for Mila.’ He sighs. ‘Thank you for the tea, and for not laughing at me when the floodgates opened.’
He is moving towards the door, but I’m still frozen with fear on the sofa, my mind yet to catch up with the reality that he isn’t about to try and kiss me and worrying about how awkward it’s going to be.
‘I’ll show myself out. If you see Freddie before I do, can you pass on my apology? I’ll try and call him at some point.’
And suddenly I’m alone in my room and the front door is closing, and I didn’t get to tell Jack that I’m happy to wait for him for as long as it takes.
Chapter Nine Now
Weymouth, Dorset
Dinner – if you can call it that – was a bowl of whole-wheat
