I wanted to throw up on the guy’s beige rug.
“Are you attached to your rug?”
It was a miracle that he understood what I was saying, seeing how it came out of me sounding like I was being strangled. Which, I guess, was technically accurate because my breakfast was now lodged in my throat.
Did PopTarts taste as good coming up as they did when they went down?
I had the answer to that moments later when I moved to get up and run to the bathroom, but all it did was help the end result happen faster.
The answer to the question was: No, they did not. I was also pretty sure I was never eating the blueberry ones again.
It felt like someone was squeezing the life out of me with every heave, and I think the embarrassment and humiliation I was feeling made even more come out of me.
I’d just yacked on my grandad’s lawyer’s rug.
A hand rubbing my back didn’t make me feel any better, either. I was being consoled for ruining this poor man’s floor.
“It’s okay,” the lawyer said gently. “My ex-wife bought it for me, so I’ve got no attachments to it. In fact, I think I’m very grateful to you for ending it like that.”
A surprised chuckle burst out of me as I gulped some oxygen into my lungs.
He waved me off when I made a move to try and clean it up, and pulled out a box of trash bags from a drawer in his desk. “I’ll just roll it up and use these on it.”
So, one of the worst moments of my life ended with my dad and the lawyer carefully rolling up the rug, and then putting a trash bag over either end and wrapping one around the center.
Mom leaned over as they were taping it together. “Honey, we didn’t want to upset you, and whenever we tried to discuss wills with you, you’d disappear into your head. I hate to say it, but the only guarantees in life are death and taxes. You do your taxes every year, it’s a given and the law, so you have to accept now that we’re all going to die eventually.”
If I hadn’t just expelled the contents of my stomach, I’d be doing it now.
“That’s not to say it’s going to happen soon for your dad and me. No, we’re too happy living our lives and loving you, just like your pops did. We have everything we could ever want, and your grandad wanted the same for you, so he left you the house and the money to build your life.”
“But—” I stopped and licked my dry lips. “Why do I have to move back here?”
Leaning forward, she reached for my hand, maintaining eye contact with me the whole time. “Because it’s time. What happened was a huge blow for a young heart, and I can’t say I wouldn’t have reacted the same way if I was in your shoes.” She shot a glare over at Dad, who looked like he’d sucked on a lemon. “Time goes by, and all of the hurtful and shitty things we go through stick with us, but their power over us fades. Don’t let this continue to control you.”
Squatting down on my other side, Dad squeezed my knee to get my attention on to him. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, baby. I thought I was doing something for both of you by giving him money so you could do stuff, but doing it in the way I did was so wrong. The second shit went down, I felt like I’d just stabbed you in the back repeatedly. I can only thank all that’s Holy that you were able to forgive me after it.”
He scooted closer to me, and lower lip wobbled. “I lost my daughter the day it happened. You distanced yourself from all of us, and it was like a wall came up. I might have been able to call you, see you, hug you and enjoy all the beauty of you, but it was never the same. I spent so many nights talking it over with your pops, and it’s one of my biggest regrets in life.”
Inhaling deeply, I exhaled again and weighed everything up. Losing Pops had put a lot into perspective for me, and I needed to admit it.
I’d fucked up. There was no way around it, I’d completely fucked up. I would’ve gone away for college, but maybe I could’ve found a job closer to Piersville after it. Instead, I’d stayed in Boston because of my pride.
Yes, I had a right to be hurt, but I also had the maturity of an adult to let it go way before now.
That’s what I needed to do so that I didn’t waste any more time.
“I’m sorry.” When Dad went to interrupt, I held my hand up. “No, let me get this out because I have to say it.
“I’ve been holding onto the feelings for years, and I’ve wasted so much time. What for? What has it achieved? I didn’t benefit from feeling like that, and I lost out on a lot, so why didn’t I just let it go way before now? In the grand scheme of shit that life throws at you, it wasn’t that bad.
“Would I do the same thing to my kids—I don’t think so, but I can’t say a definitive no to that question. I can say that I was wrong to hold onto it, even if I didn’t bring it up or do anything drastic unless you count hiding for seven years.
“I missed out on time with you guys and Pops, and I don’t want to have any more regrets about things like that. So, now it’s
