Why did I think I could do this?
I lived a sheltered life. Everything was done for me. I had always believed I was strong.
But maybe I’m nearly strong enough.
“Jesus, are you gonna start crying?”
I blink hard. Tonya comes back into focus. I shudder and try to pull myself together as I move towards the bunk’s ladder.
“How old is the brat anyway?” Tonya asks. Her initial anger has softened somewhat, although she still isn’t exactly what I’d call “friendly.”
I glance at her, shocked that she’s actually trying to make conversation. “Um… a day,” I reply with a joyless chuckle. “And a half.”
“Fuck,” she says, her eyes going wide. “Seriously?”
“Yeah.” I nod. “His name is Phoenix.”
She rolls her eyes. “You couldn’t have come up with anything better?”
She looks so cartoonishly annoyed that I can’t help but smile. “Look at him and tell me I was wrong,” I challenge her.
She eyes the bundle strapped to my chest but she doesn’t make an attempt to come closer. “I can see that pink cheek from here,” she says dismissively. “Looks more like a fat little cardinal.”
I look away from her and attempt to climb up onto the bunk so that I can feed Phoenix. I get up on the first rung just fine, but then it becomes hard to hoist myself onto the second.
I pant for a moment, deciding to take it slow when I hear Tonya cursing violently behind me.
“Fucking hell,” she says. “Are you gonna make this much noise every time you climb up there?”
I sigh and ease myself back down onto the ground. “Give me a break okay?” I say as the fatigue catches up to me. “I had to have an emergency C-section.”
She rolls her eyes again, but I notice her expression has changed. “Just fucking take the bottom bunk,” she snarls. “I can’t deal with you creaking up onto the top every fucking day.”
“Really?” I ask.
“I just said, didn’t I?” Tonya replies impatiently. “Don’t piss me off. Just take the bunk.”
“Thank you.”
“Now don’t go and start crying, okay?” she says. “It’s bad enough that I’ll have to deal with your brat crying. I don’t need that shit from you, too. You’re a damn little girl that thinks she’s a grown ass woman, goddamn…” She trails off into mutters I can’t quite decipher, still cursing up a storm.
I suppress a smile. She’s more bark than bite, I think.
Then she clears her stuff away, which is limited to blanket and a small cloth bag, and throws everything onto the top bunk.
I sit down on the hard bottom mattress. My body oozes with gratitude for the respite.
But it doesn’t last long.
Phoenix stirs in the blanket and I slowly unwind it from around my body. I lay him down on the bed while I prepare to feed him.
By the time I look up again, Tonya has disappeared.
I breathe a sigh of relief, grateful to find myself alone.
Well, not alone exactly, because there are still at least four other women in the room.
But at least they’re minding their own business.
Phoenix starts mewling impatiently. I know he’s hungry, but I want to change him first. I grab my duffel bag and pull out a new diaper.
I change him quickly and dispose of the dirty diaper in an old paper bag that I keep in my duffel for just such an occasion.
I want to get rid of the bag immediately, but Phoenix’s starting to fuss. If I don’t feed him soon, he’s going to start screaming his lungs out.
So I put the paper bag in a corner next to the bed and then I sit down and put him to my breast just before he starts wailing. He quiets down and suckles greedily.
I stroke his cheek and watch him for a long time, trying to think about my next move. The shelter is not what I expected. I sure as hell don’t want to stay here long term.
My only option is to find a job as fast as possible. With money coming in, I’d have options. A little more autonomy.
I let Phoenix feed for twenty minutes and then I burp him and switch him over to my second breast. I make sure to keep a blanket folded over my shoulder so that no one can see him nursing.
At some point, I notice Nancy edge back into the room. Her attention falls on me instantly, but she looks away just as quickly and goes to her bunk on the opposite end of the room.
Once Phoenix has had his fill, I burp him again and secure the contents of my duffel. I’d love to take a shower and change my clothes, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to manage that with Phoenix in tow.
Shit, I don’t know how I’m supposed to manage anything with Phoenix in tow.
The thought almost makes me cry, or maybe scream and rip my hair out until I look like Tonya. I’m not sure which would feel better.
I have to stop for a second and breathe so I don’t lose it.
One thing at a time, Esme.
I push my bag under the bunk bed, secure Phoenix to my chest once more with his blanket, grab the paper bag with his dirty diaper in it, and head out of the room.
To my relief, I find Maisie at the front desk looking through a long list of names.
“Excuse me, Maisie?” I interrupt.
“Hmm?”
“Where can I get rid of Phoenix’s dirty diapers?”
“Oh,” I she says, looking up at me for the first time. “The bathroom has closed trash cans that are emptied out regularly. You can use those.”
“Thanks.” I turn to leave, but before I get far, she stops me.
“Just one thing before you go…” Maisie says.
“Yes?”
“I need a couple of your personal details.”
The blood starts pounding in my ears. “Oh, right… um, my name is Emily,” I say casually.
She
