No, it seemed a bit like...those good things he’d convinced himself he couldn’t have because of a decision he’d made in his early twenties while being beaten almost to death by his father.
Maybe it was time to forgive that kid, just like he would have forgiven all of his brothers—just like his brothers had forgiven him.
Forgiveness seemed too complicated a concept when she was kissing him, pressed up against him, in his bed. He could figure out forgiveness later. For tonight he could just be him. Just be what she wanted. Later he’d worry about being what she needed.
He pulled Sarah’s hand from his chest and pressed a kiss to her palm. Then to her wrist. He shifted onto his side and slid her arm up and over his shoulder. Her belly was between them, a reminder that no matter what happened, they’d created life together.
She’d brought him back to life because of it. So he kissed her. He let himself pour all the different emotions inside of him into her—fear and worry and all those dark spaces he didn’t think were good enough. These small little buds of life inside of him, of revival. The tiny but growing warmth of hope she’d given him, year after year.
She kissed him back with all of her strength and determination. No surrender or passive acceptance—a challenge, because she’d always been one. And he thought, she always would be one. Which seemed about right. It seemed like just the thing he needed.
But she was soft. There were vulnerable parts to her. It wasn’t all strength against strength—her hard head against his. No, they’d have to explore these more tender areas too.
Which right now felt like heaven.
She sighed against his mouth, languid and perfect. “I love you,” she murmured.
The words had him freezing.
She didn’t stop moving against him. “You don’t have to say it back. You don’t have to feel it yet. I’ve got quite the head start.”
“I don’t...” It was all too much. Every time he thought he was taking this small, positive step—she flipped everything on him.
“And I know you didn’t know I was in love with you this whole time because I didn’t really admit it to myself.” She kissed the corner of his mouth, held tight around his neck. “I was talking with Cecilia the other night about everything and... Well, we shouldn’t ignore Christmas or love just because someone wants to hurt us.”
“No, we shouldn’t. Sarah, I—”
“And you’re not there yet. It’s okay.” She pressed her mouth to his. “Don’t stop,” she murmured against his lips. “Ignore everything I’ve said.”
But how could he ignore love? How could he go back to the place he’d been when she’d introduced a whole new level? One he didn’t understand.
One she deserved. And if she deserved it, didn’t that mean he needed to find it in himself to figure it out? “I don’t know where I am. I’m not even sure I know who I am. I don’t know how to love or how to be a partner. I’ve been...dormant or something.”
“That’s ok—”
“Would you let me talk?”
“It’s just, if you say it now, it’s only because of the baby. Because of danger. It wouldn’t be real if you said it now.”
He understood what she meant, and yet he didn’t find himself nodding in agreement. There was a denial inside of him, and that meant all he had was the truth. “I don’t understand half of what I feel about you, but it’s all real.”
She inhaled sharply, but she didn’t let him go. She didn’t wriggle away. She held him tighter. “Then show me.”
Chapter Fifteen
For the first time in her life, Sarah woke up next to a naked man. It was quite an interesting position to be in.
In the early morning light, she could study him. The blanket was only pulled up to his waist, so his entire upper body was bared to her. All the things she hadn’t been able to see last night. The impressive lean muscle of his arms from all the work he did. The smattering of dark chest hair.
There were scars. She wanted to trace them, find some way to soothe those old hurts. Those old betrayals.
She’d told him she’d loved him and he hadn’t run away. Granted, she’d been throwing herself at him in the moment, but still. He’d stayed. He’d made love to her anyway.
She knew he’d take his time, and he’d make sure that what he felt was love, and that he could give it to her. Which didn’t make it hard to wait for an answer, all in all. He’d find those answers. He was just a little on the slow side when it came to emotional stuff.
He’d get there. He wouldn’t have slept with her if he didn’t think he could get there.
Slept with her. She couldn’t help the silly grin that spread across her face. The world around them might be falling apart thanks to their shared half brother, but together she finally had everything she wanted.
And wasn’t that the way? Hopes and dreams never seemed to come true conveniently, and danger never seemed to wait for the appropriate moment to make an appearance.
His eyes blinked open. He stared at her and then the room around them. “It’s morning.”
“Seems to be.”
He got up on his elbows, frowning at the door. “No one woke me up for my turn as lookout.”
“I mean, or they didn’t...want to interrupt.”
Dev blinked once, and then a slow horror crept over his expression. She couldn’t help it. It made her laugh.
“I’m glad you find it funny,” he grumbled, tossing off the covers and getting out of bed.
Sarah watched avidly and with some disappointment as he pulled on boxers, then jeans. He grabbed socks from his dresser and when he sat down to put them on, he did so on her side of the bed.
He looked down at
