“I’m sorry. I wish I had answers for you. I wish I could make it better, but I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place on this one. Believe me, I wanted to throw that man out the door when I saw him standing there, but I was told I had to welcome him into our home. You made things exponentially harder with your actions and it will not be tolerated again. Do you understand?”
“Yeah. I’m sorry.” He turned to walk away. “Just promise me you’ll keep an eye on him and any information he brings to the group. This one feels… I don’t know.”
Amos nodded his head and walked away, leaving me to finish my task.
I worked well past dinner time, avoiding everyone and everything for as long as I could. Then, when there was nothing else to clean, I went into the kitchen in search of sustenance.
I walked past a few residents who all lowered their heads and scurried off without a single word or even a wave. I sighed, knowing I deserved it and gathered what I needed to eat and drink, carrying them all up to my room.
I hoped my mates would be there waiting, but it was completely empty, just how I had left it hours before when I began cleaning the mansion. I slumped into the chair on the balcony and listened to the sound of the crashing waves off in the distance. The sun had just dipped below the horizon, leaving the sky streaked in beautiful pinks and oranges and I wondered if my mates were looking at it too. I knew how corny of a thought that was, but I couldn’t help it. I royally fucked up with them, and with everyone else, on so many levels, and not just earlier that day.
I was pushing everyone away and causing chaos wherever I went, and not just because I couldn’t control my casting abilities. At least that problem had been solved, temporarily. I reached inward, trying to feel for my caster magic and felt nothing. There wasn’t a hole or a numbness like I expected there to be, just a feeling as though it were never there to begin with. I didn’t know if it was worse than being numb, but I still didn’t like it.
Soliel nudged herself against my mind, trying to soothe me. I could tell she didn’t like the absence of my caster magic any more than I did, but she was trying to make me feel better anyway. Even my dragon was being more selfless than I was.
Everyone was doing their best to help me find Ronan and Ainsley, with my magic, with it all, and I couldn’t even give them the benefit of the doubt. I deserved to be alone. I deserved it all.
I knew that I needed to change. Like Dev said, it was okay to feel things, to feel the sadness and anger, but I shouldn’t push people away because of it. And my mates, my good, kind, and supportive mates well, they deserved a mate who was good, kind, and supportive right back. I had forgotten they needed me as much as I needed them. I needed to do better.
Finishing up my meal, I took the empty dishes back down to the kitchen. As I was putting the dishes in the dishwasher, Matias walked in through the back door, followed by Xan. They both stopped when they realized I was in the same room and stared at me.
“Hi,” I said, pushing some loose hair behind my ear awkwardly.
Neither one said anything in return, they just stared at me with hardened expressions. At first, I was afraid because I didn’t think I’d be able to reach them at all, but then I noticed their eyes were too hard, like they were trying to be mad at me. They didn’t want to give in, to settle for the simple, ‘I’m sorry,’ and then have nothing really change. They both wanted me to fight for them and for us. But underneath all their forced anger, I could see they were hopeful and that gave me hope too.
“Will you two come upstairs with me?” I asked, nervously. “I promise I won’t keep you long, so you can get on with your night if that’s what you want, but there are some things I need to say and I want to do it in private.”
“Of course,” Matias replied for the pair. Xander’s expression didn’t change, but he didn’t refuse my request either.
I lightly smiled and began walking toward the stairs, hoping they were following. When I heard two sets of footsteps fall in line behind me, I inwardly sighed in relief.
We made it to the second floor landing and to my bedroom door, where I stood, holding onto the handle. I took a deep breath and turned the knob, swinging the door open and letting us all in the room. Both men walked in and stood facing me, waiting for whatever I needed to say to them. Obviously, they weren’t going to make it easy on me and honestly, they shouldn’t. I deserved it.
I closed the door and settled against it, my hands behind my back as I looked up at their handsome faces. They were both so different in the way they looked, acted, all of it, and I still craved them both, loved them both. I couldn’t believe I
