Just myself, trying to focus on the now.
With the tears sliding down my cheeks, I stared at the candle, wondering what they were doing. Had they moved on? Like their fathers, did they have a new woman? Did they have sons of their own?
At the sound of the door opening, I quickly swiped at the tears on my cheeks.
“Hey, it’s me. I’m home. You do not even know the day I’ve had it has been so freaking hectic but so much fun. I have learned so much.” The light turned on as Ashley came into the room, carrying a whole load of bags on her arms and a white box in her hand. “Oh, no, you didn’t think I’d forgotten, did you?”
I got to my feet as Ashley made her way toward me. “No, no, no, not that tiny cupcake. It’s your birthday. This isn’t the time for you to be just one single cupcake. We are not watching our figures here.”
Ashley had once been the thinner of the two of us. Now she had the curves and I struggled to eat. I’d tried. Eating had no appeal to me, but Ashley did everything she could to help me. She was a damn good cook, and I did feel bad.
One day, she’d come home all excited about how she was going to cook on camera and upload it onto a social media site, to which I reminded her that we couldn’t exist online. She’d instantly deflated and I’d felt like the worst kind of person. She instead learned to cook and I’d film her on my cell phone, and we’d watch it.
If it hadn’t been for my father, I just knew she’d be awesome. She was made to be in front of the camera. Her smile, her charm, her wit, it all came across as she cooked. I knew when she wished for something, it was to be a cook. She was so passionate about food.
I watched as she blew out the candle, pushed her long brown hair off her face, and slid the white box in front of me. Opening the lid, I saw it was a chocolate cake. Possibly fudgy.
“And I got ice cream.” She rushed away and came back seconds later with a tub of vanilla ice cream. The good kind with vanilla specks in it.
I smiled.
“Oh, not finished.”
She produced some birthday candles, one in the shape of a two and the other a five. Then I watched as she struck the match and lit each one before going to turn off the lights. “Now, don’t forget to make a wish.”
For several seconds, I stared at the candles, wondering what I could wish for. What would be worth the words that could possibly come true? Nothing seemed to be of any value to me.
What was the point?
I didn’t have my men. There was no one to love.
Wrapping my arms around myself, I looked at the burning candle and knew that come this time next year, I didn’t want to feel this way. I hated the pain, the sadness. Ashley didn’t deserve it, and for the last seven years, that was all I’d been, sad.
My life kept on whizzing by and I didn’t have a single good memory. Well, I did, but I was wasting mine, and I couldn’t allow that to happen anymore.
Rather than wish for something I couldn’t have, I made one plan: to be happy. That was what I was going to do. No more wallowing. No more wishing for something that would never happen. It wasn’t lost on me that I’d spent seven years craving to be back in the arms of the men at Crude Hill high, and yet while I was there, I wanted to be anywhere but.
No more.
I was going to move on.
Blowing out the candles, I felt slightly different.
Ashley clapped her hands, cheered for me, and giggled. “Do you feel any different?” she asked, going to turn the light on.
“Yeah, I do.” I smiled at her.
She came back. “Now I think it’s only fair that we have cake, then I’m cooking you a delicious meal.”
“You don’t have to do that. We could go out dancing if you’d like?”
Ashley put a hand to her chest. “Really? You’d come out dancing with me?”
“Hell, yeah, why not? I’d like to.” She’d tried to get me to go out dancing so many times. “I’ve been a sucky roommate.”
“Don’t,” Ashley said. She offered me the knife to cut the cake. “You’ve been what you’ve needed to be. I’ve never felt … you know. I don’t know what it’s like to want to be with someone that being apart is like a pain in itself.”
Now I felt even worse. She hadn’t experienced love, and it was all my fault.
“I’m so sorry,” I said.
“Stop.” She chuckled. “I’ve gone out dancing. I’ve been on dates, and believe me, I haven’t met anyone who has made me want to drop my panties.”
“Just so you know, I didn’t want to drop my panties for them for a long time. I actually wanted to kill them.”
“We shouldn’t talk about them. Not on your birthday.”
I slid a slice of cake toward her and she dolloped out the softened ice cream. She ran to get spoons, handing me one. I made sure I had a nice piece of cake and some ice cream before having a taste. I closed my eyes. The vanilla and dark fudgy chocolate were perfect.
“You made this, didn’t you?”
“Yes, I stayed late last night at the restaurant. What do you think?”
“You’re really good.”
“I’ve been trying to
