She’s right. I am full of shit. I’m so full of shit that, even though I know the answer, I say, “Well what do you mean, then? Because it sounds an awful lot like you’re trying to tell me who I’m allowed to sleep with.”
Marcelina gives me another oh you’re really going to try this crap glare. “What do I mean? What I mean is, it doesn’t make any sense because you’re clearly crazy about Roya. And you didn’t know the difference between Josh Harper and Short Matt until you were dancing with Josh at prom. What I mean is, it seems an “awful lot” like you were going to sleep with a guy you’ve barely exchanged two words with for no discernible reason. What I mean is, you’re usually pretty smart and you almost did something so monumentally stupid that it made me wonder if you’d fallen and hit your head when I wasn’t looking.”
“I was going to sleep with him because Roya went to prom with Tall Matt!” I say it too loud, just on the threshold of shouting. Handsome startles and looks up at me with concern. I should probably reassure him, but I can’t right now. I’m tired of feeling so many damn feelings all the time, and I’m tired of trying to calm myself down when I’m angry, and I’m tired of telling dogs that it’s not them I’m upset with. “I was going to sleep with him because Roya went to prom with Tall Matt and she went to Homecoming with Kevin Ng and she made out with Karen Carter over the summer and I’m tired of waiting for her!”
I dig my fingers into the grass and yell. I yell with my voice, letting my exhaustion and frustration rip through my throat; and I yell with my magic, pushing all the wasted patience and lingering hurt into the ground, probably shocking the hell out of that poor mole. Handsome and Fritz jump up and run in panicked circles, trying to figure out why they can hear me yelling in two voices at the same time.
After a minute, warmth floods my face. I open my eyes and there’s Marcelina’s eyes, a few inches from mine. Her hands are cupping my cheeks, and she’s whispering something in a low, steady stream that I can’t hear but that I can feel lapping at me in steady waves. The warmth spreads into my throat and chest, and I feel like I’ve been dipped in honey. “Are you done?” she says softly, and I nod, taking a hiccuping breath. “Good.”
She takes her hands away and sits back in her place in the grass. Handsome and Fritz slink over with their noses low and their tails tucked under their bellies. “Sorry I scared you, fellas,” I say, stroking their heads and silently telling them that it wasn’t their fault I yelled.
“I’m going to say something,” Marcelina says. “And you aren’t allowed to yell.”
“I’m sorry I—”
“Shut up,” she says mildly. “I didn’t say ‘You shouldn’t have yelled.’ I don’t want your apology. I just want you to listen for a minute.” I nod. She crosses her legs and rests her elbows on her knees, steepling her fingers. “First: I cannot believe you were going to do something so stupid as to sleep with Josh Damn Harper in order to make Roya jealous.” I start to object, but she holds up her hand. “Nope,” she says. “I’m talking right now, you’re listening. Don’t try to tell me that you weren’t hoping you’d sleep with Josh and make Roya feel as jealous as you were feeling about Tall Matt, because that’s a lie. And you can lie to yourself all you want, but you do not lie to me.”
I bite my lip and wait for her to continue, even though I have a sinking feeling that it’s only going to get worse from here.
“I cannot believe that you would do something so monumentally, staggeringly foolish as to put Josh Harper’s penis inside you in order to hurt Roya’s feelings,” she says, ramping up fast. “I can’t believe that you, of all the people in the whole world, would decide to fuck a boy over something as petty and messy as Roya going to prom with Tall Matt and making out with Karen Carter, who makes out with everybody and you know it!”
She hasn’t moved an inch, but her eyes are blazing. I feel about an inch tall. When she puts it that way … I can’t really believe that I was going to do that either. I knew I was making the wrong choice the second Josh’s dick exploded, but I’ve been trying really hard not to think about it too much in the last week. Both because it’s really awful to think about, and because I knew that if I looked too closely at what I almost did, I would be just as disappointed in myself as Marcelina is now.
“That was the first thing I needed to tell you,” she says. Her eyes are glassy now—she’s still glaring at me fiercely, but there’s sadness there too. “The second thing I need to tell you is that the liver is done. It’s gone.”
I peer into the fire, but I can’t tell one lump of black char from another. “How can you tell?” I ask.
“Because,” Marcelina says in a whisper, “I lost the color green.”
“What?” I look back at her. Her mouth lifts into a very small, very sad smile.
“That’s what I lost,” she says. She sounds terribly calm. “I can’t see it.” She runs her hand across the grass.
“What does it look like?” I whisper. She shakes her head.
“Gray.” She swallows the word.
“Oh, Marcelina—”
“It’s fine.” She says it through clenched teeth. “Lots of people can’t see green. I’ll get used to it.” Next to her, Fritz whines and rubs at his muzzle with a paw.
“God, I’m so sorry,” I say, reaching out a hand to rest on hers. “But
