Reason dictates that Dee tell the police. She should call tired Karen, who is still in charge of the case. Lulu is a missing person. No body has been found. (There was a time when Dee would have thought that missing was better than dead, but the long years have taught her better.)
‘This is not supposed to happen,’ Karen said once to Dee. ‘Most of us spend our whole career without dealing with a stranger child abduction. It wears you thin, in ways you can’t predict. Sometimes I think, why here? Why me?’
Dee said, ‘I have a question. Why not do your job?’ Karen went red.
‘Lulu wasn’t the first to disappear,’ Dee said. ‘I’ve looked into it. You’ve got a real problem around that lake.’ Maybe that was when it really went sour between them. Sour or not, Dee should call her right away.
She won’t. This is a particular gift, just for her. And she feels the silky-deep stirring of anger. If the police hadn’t kept her out of everything maybe she would have remembered the street name and made the connection years ago. Wasted, wasted time.
The photograph has one more secret to yield. Dee peers hard at the suspect’s shirt. Close to, it gets grainy and her eyes protest. But she can see writing there, embroidered across the breast pocket. They must have blurred it out for the newspaper. Dee can make out a name. Ed or maybe Ted, Banner something.
It feels like striking the last blow in a long, long fight. She has a name or part of one, and a street. Dee finds that she is crying, which doesn’t make sense, because she is filled with fierce certainty. Just for a moment, for one beat of her heart, Dee feels Lulu beside her. The car fills with the scent of warm skin, suntan lotion. A soft, plump cheek brushes against hers. Dee catches the clean smell of her sister’s hair, and the sugar on her breath.
‘I’m coming,’ Dee tells her.
Ted
It’s the right day, so I go to see the bug man in the morning. I found him in the want ads online. He doesn’t cost as much as the regular ones, so I can afford one session every two weeks. My appointment is always very early, before anyone else is awake – when no one else wants to go, I guess. I enjoy my visits to him. I tell him about Olivia, and how much I love her, and about TV I’ve watched and candy I’ve eaten and the birds in the dawn. I even talk about Mommy and Daddy sometimes. Not too much. I don’t talk about the situation with Lauren or the gods, of course. Each time, I slip in real questions among the dumb stuff. I am slowly working my way up to the big one. I’ll ask it soon. Things with Lauren are getting worse.
Sometimes talking to him even seems to help. Anyway he prescribes the pills, which definitely help.
It is a forty-five-minute walk, which I manage OK. It is not quite raining but a warm rotten mist hangs in the air. Headlights throw a musty sheen on the wet road and earthworms writhe pink and gleaming on the sidewalk.
The bug man’s office is in a building that looks like a pile of children’s blocks, carelessly stacked. The waiting room is empty and I settle happily on a chair. I like this kind of place, where you’re in between one thing and another. Hallways, waiting rooms, lobbies and so on; rooms where nothing is actually supposed to happen. It relieves a lot of pressure and lets me think.
The air smells strongly of cleaning products, a chemical impression of a flowering meadow. At some point in the future, I guess, almost no one will know what real meadow smells like. Maybe by then there won’t be any real meadows left and they’ll have to make flowers in labs. Then of course they’ll engineer them to smell like cleaning products, because they’ll think that’s right, and it will all go in a circle. These are the kinds of interesting thoughts I have while in waiting rooms and at crosswalks or standing in line at the grocery store.
The bug man appears and shows me in, adjusting his tie. I think I make him nervous. It’s my size. He hides it well most of the time. He has a belly like a little round scatter cushion, the kind Mommy liked so much. His hair is sparse and blonde. Behind the glasses his eyes are blue and almost perfectly round.
Obviously I can’t recall his name. He looks like a friendly little shield bug, or a stag beetle. So the bug man is how I think of him.
The office is pale, pastel, containing far more chairs than could ever be needed in here. They’re all different sizes, shapes and colours. They put me in an agony of indecision. I wonder, is this the bug man’s way of judging my mood? Sometimes I try to think like Lauren, and guess which chair she would pick. She’d probably just throw them around the place.
I choose a dented, metal fold-out. I hope this severe choice will show him that I am serious about my progress.
‘You’ve lost some more hair,’ the bug man says mildly.
‘I think my cat pulls it out at night.’
‘And your left arm looks badly bruised. What’s up with that?’
I should have worn long sleeves, I wasn’t thinking.
‘I was out on a date,’ I say. ‘She shut the car door on my arm by accident.’ I haven’t actually been on a date yet, but I feel like it’s more likely to happen if I say the words, like a spell that will force me to do it.
‘That’s unfortunate,’ he says. ‘Apart from that, did you feel the date went well?’
‘Oh, yes,’ I say.
