Tough issues? No shit—we all had those. Then and now.
A response to Jackie soon surfaced, and I revealed to her the details surrounding my situation with Andrew: being torn in two, how I’d spoken to Kate, and the overwhelming thought I was floundering. And as that last thought spent time in my mind, it morphed into a new realization: maybe Theo floundered as well, in a place he knew he’d never find purchase. The doctor had said it: Theo’s life was chock full of uncertainty, and by default, uncertainty affected me. Meeting Andrew added more chaos to the mix, and if I reacted to it, Theo would, also by default, be affected. The push and pull, the interconnectedness we shared. Were we both at fault for the increase in arguments?
“So, you’re in over your head? Well go ahead. I’m no professional, but I am an excellent listener.” Jackie’s warm smile melted my heart. She was a dear friend, someone to confide in, someone to accept help from. Now was the time.
“Jackie, I’m not sure where to start.” My office window beckoned to me. Concentrating on the beauty of the day outside the glass might help everything on the inside of that window fall into place. It wouldn’t—it couldn’t—but I could hope.
“Well then, let me see if I have this right. You like Andrew? And he seems to like you.”
She was right, and she knew as much. I knew as much. My response to him was apparent: the butterflies, the energy, the impulsive flirting.
“Hear me out, dear friend, when I say you don’t need to jump off the deep end on this one,” she said.
I swiveled my chair back to face Jackie.
“You can be attracted to someone and not act on it. You can be attracted to someone while you’re living with your soon-to-be ex-husband, although you need to make that decision soon. Sever the ties or don’t, but you need to get out of this state of limbo.”
Jackie was right. The thought of spending time in a whirlwind of confusion didn’t appeal to me.
She went on. “Cut yourself some slack here. You have a lot on your plate, girl. Kids, work, Theo. Maybe consider Andrew a new...acquaintance?”
“Or not,” I said.
“Or not?”
A hum began in my ears at the thought of Andrew. “I don’t know if I can.” My admission hung between us, but Jackie held enough emotional intelligence to read between the lines. At least the courage to admit one of my weaknesses had arisen, although it was probably written all over my face.
“Oh...okay. But one more question.”
“Yeah?”
“Do you love Theo?”
What a simple—and at the same time complex—question, and one I’d already answered when I filed for divorce. Filling Jackie in on that painful detail was easy, talking about being in love versus loving someone. Even the thought made tears imminent, and I reached for the tissue holder on my desk.
“It’s all so complicated.”
“That it is, my friend,” Jackie whispered. She leaned toward me and patted my hand. It was a gesture I would only accept from someone like her. “It’s okay.”
Despite everything I was going through at that moment, I had a friend like Jackie. A thought that made me ask, what or who did Theo have? He couldn’t even count on one of the supposedly dependable people in his life—me. Being more sympathetic toward Theo and what he was experiencing should take a higher spot on my priority list.
“No, it’s not, Jackie. It’s not okay, and I need to figure out how to make it all okay. If I want to pursue Andrew, then I need to be up-front with Theo, and he needs to sign those papers. But I need to find the Sadie I once knew too. I need to clean my life up, to clean up me.”
Heat flared on my face and neck, and I placed my head in my hands, embarrassed at the melodramatic revelation. How had my life gotten like this? Prior to this conundrum, I’d taken things in stride, adjusting to what was thrown at me and making decisions based on what was right. And somehow, things changed without my realizing it.
“And Andrew?” Jackie said as she leaned in over the desk.
“What about him?”
“Does he factor into this at all?” Jackie’s voice was so quiet, I almost didn’t hear her.
Her question hit me hard. “I don’t know,” I said. “I’ll figure that out as I go along.”
“And I’ll be here to support you.” Jackie stood up, walked around the desk, and wrapped her arms around me. She held tight, as if she was trying to transfer positive energy to me. What gifts—her warmth, friendship, and love?
“You should be a therapist, Jackie,” I said as I wiped the tears from my lashes with my overused tissue.
A huge grin broke out across her face as she pulled away from me. “The bill will be in tomorrow’s mail.” Jackie moved toward the door before turning back. “By the way—and I wasn’t going to tell you this, but I’d like to be honest with you—Andrew left his card for you on his way out earlier. I haven’t said anything about you and your situation, but he told me to tell you his cell number is on the bottom of the card. ‘Feel free to contact him,’ he said.”
Jackie winked and walked out of my office.
Chapter 13: Sadie
Once Jackie left my office, I had plenty of time to contemplate my life. My mind first jumped to the idea of Andrew’s business card, complete with cell phone number, but it didn’t stay there. Thoughts of Theo and the PTSD that had so changed our lives gripped me by the shoulders and wouldn’t let go.
Theo before PTSD and Theo after PTSD were antitheses of one another. He’d always been driven—at work and at play—but once he’d been diagnosed, the smiling, chipper, hands-on dad we knew and loved melted away like the spring snow. Gone were the days of impromptu hikes at Cranberry Hill and time
