Andrew took my fingers in his and held on tightly. The warmth of his hands spread across my skin, throughout my body, to my brain, where the heat tried to soothe my soul. There were no words to ameliorate the situation—we both knew it—and I was grateful when he didn’t even try to say anything to make me feel better.
Chapter 29: Theo
“Why did you choose not to tell Sadie what Charlie told you about her and Andrew? What purpose did that serve?” Doc’s voice over the phone sounded the way it did in person. Nonthreatening and kind, something I needed to hear. I sat in the wing-backed chair, staring out at the choppy waves on the lake. Despite the mindfulness experience from a few days ago, my turmoil still bubbled and boiled, and the day before, I’d woken up in bed, covered in a sheen of sweat, heart beating wildly. Anger coursed through my body. Sadie’s admission had cut me, and no amount of “finding the tingle” was helping bring me back to center. So, I took Yoga Man’s advice and called Doc.
“I’m not sure why I did what I did. Denial? Charlie told the truth, but...” What had I been thinking? The patterned wallpaper instead drew my attention, and I considered it, trying to find my words. “I was trying to convince myself I was imagining something that wasn’t there.”
“But it was.”
“Yep. Come to find out it was. It was.”
“And we know how that made you feel, but my question to you now is, why did it make you feel that way? You’ve been on the verge of divorce for a long time. You’ve hashed out the expectations for living with Sadie. You’re the one who—can I say this?—pushed for the divorce.”
Doc wasn’t telling me anything I wasn’t aware of, and she was right. But her questions required introspection, and I’d never been that guy. If Doc wanted introspection, she should speak to Sadie, and there’d be no reason to do that. She’d made up her mind already. I had to live with it.
Or not.
“I don’t know. Sometimes Sadie and I don’t communicate well. Like she says one thing, but I hear something else. And everything gets mixed up.”
“That’s easy to do, however, hasn’t she been the one encouraging you to sign the divorce papers?”
“Yes.”
“And again—you’re the one who started the process, right?”
“Yes.”
Doc stayed silent for a moment, the sound of the furnace the only accompaniment to the beating of my frantic heart.
“Theo, here’s the thing. I want to help you manage everything you’re going through, so we need to set boundaries and realistic expectations for you. I was wrong by not encouraging you to move out. In a way, we’ve all enabled you to be where you are—”
“But—”
“No wait. We’ve enabled you to take your time, which you’ve needed, but at the end of the day, you’re an adult. With adult thoughts and feelings. The problem is, we’re not helping you deal with those right now. Somehow, I thought if we concentrated on all that had happened in Afghanistan, the rest would fall into place. But it hasn’t. I said it the last time I saw you in my office, and I’ll say it again: you have unresolved feelings for Sadie. I should have pushed more then and I didn’t.”
Where did that put me on my path to healing? Doc’s words seemed ominous, like she might beg off treating me and send me to someone else. She’d been a mainstay in my life for a while. I wasn’t sure I could take losing Sadie fully and Doc all at the same time.
Beads of sweat collected on the back of my neck. “What are you going to do? Send me somewhere else?”
“No, not exactly. Or not right away. I’d like you to head back and come see me in the office. In the meantime, I’ll put together a strategy that might be more advantageous for you. I’ll also say again you might consider in-patient therapy. You’ve been good about keeping the anger out of your reactions, but I worry about you. Very much so.”
“I know, Doc.”
“You do. And I have to say, this phone call has been enlightening.”
“Ha! Every once in a while, I come through, don’t I?”
“Oh Theo. You have so much to offer, and I want you to get better. Your children want you to get better; even Sadie wants you to get better. And I know you can do so. We all have setbacks, and this might be one of those. But someday, when you’ve moved into a healthier place, you’ll look back and understand everything. Before we end though, how are the dreams, the flashbacks? Any more episodes?”
I’d expected being away from my normal routine might throw me into a tizzy, but Walloon Lake had worked its charms on me, at least a little. Except for the dream I had the night Sadie and I argued, my nightmares hadn’t increased—at least they weren’t any worse than the few weeks prior. I had even felt mostly in control while talking to Sadie, almost as if Charlie’s reveal served to prepare me for that conversation. Heads up, it said, which had helped. And Doc didn’t need to hear about my trip to the library or what had spurred it on. Revenge? Anger?
“Actually, they haven’t increased. I...”
“Yes?”
“Who knows what I want to say. Probably nothing. I appreciate
