I exhaled and wiped my brow, then flopped into my chair and assessed my desk. Pens and pencils leaned in the canister to the right of my computer, and my desk calendar sat ready and waiting for any changes I might make. The tick of the clock on the wall reminded me—no, mocked me—that the workday was about to begin, and yet, I sat, unmoving. Would Jackie have more information about why Grocery Store Man might be in the building? Unable to wait until later in the day to ask, I hurried from my chair and rapped my knuckles on the wood doorframe of the office next door.
“Good morning, Jackie! How was your weekend?”
My friend and coworker lifted her head from the hammock she’d made with her hands, and her puffy eyelids and blazing pink cheeks greeted me. The half-moons under her eyes stood out as dark as a football player’s eye black. Jackie had returned from maternity leave the week before, and finding the balance between editing and parenting was proving to be elusive, or so she had confided in me a few days prior. Her daughter, Clara, screamed like a banshee much of the night, and Jackie needed more sleep than she was getting.
She waved her hands to draw me into the office. “I swear that kid uses my boobs as pacifiers. Why can’t she fall asleep by herself? How hard can it be?” Jackie said. “And no judging...this,” she gestured to the steaming mug in front of her, “is decaf. I would never pass on caffeine to Clara on purpose.”
I held my hands up in front of me, palms facing Jackie, as I moved farther into her office. “No judgment from me, I swear! I’ve been there myself three times, remember?” The memories of my sweet babies brought warmth to my chest. “You might not want to hear this, but life will get easier. She’ll learn to sleep alone, and you’ll get your body back. Right now, though, you are what she needs. What can I do to help?”
“I know, I know.” Jackie pushed her bangs off her forehead and tucked her hair behind her ears, then rubbed her eyes and sipped her coffee. “I’m finding all this so much harder than I expected. And Pete is trying, he really is, but he can’t nurse the baby.” Jackie’s phone trilled. She placed her coffee cup on her desk, picked up the receiver, and replaced it on the cradle without answering.
Clearly the fatigue was getting to her. “Theo and I went through the same thing. By the third time around, I thought I had a great system. The doctor told me every child is different. Charlie and Delia were so much alike, I didn’t believe him. Until Lexie...” Thoughts of the kids would overtake my mind, but this was Jackie’s well-being, not mine, and my offer to help her was sincere. “However, this is about you.” Taking the chair across from Jackie, I lowered myself into it then straightened a pile of mail on her desk. “You can hear those stories later—if you haven’t already—when you’ve had a bit more sleep. Seriously, what can I do?”
“I appreciate the thought. Really, the only thing I need is more shut-eye. Any thoughts about an evening shift?” Desperation radiated from her glazed eyes, an all-too-familiar emotion.
“Sure. Let me talk to Theo, and I’ll get back to you. I can run on little sleep these days.” It had been weeks since I’d had a night of restful slumber thanks to my grocery store run-in. That morning, my own weariness had flooded my body, but the charge of seeing Grocery Store Man in the elevator had eradicated any leftover fragments of sluggishness.
“Oh really? What is your secret? I need some of whatever it is.” Jackie closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath through her nostrils. She picked up the mug and took a large sip of the coffee.
Jackie and I had worked together for eight years. She’d become my confidante and go-to friend and had helped me navigate onerous times when Theo shut me out and during our quasi-separation. If I confided in her about my current problem, she might be distracted from her fatigue. I leaned in toward Jackie’s desk.
“Well...I’ve been dwelling on an encounter I had...two months ago. With a man.”
A torrent of coffee blew in my direction before Jackie moved her hand to her mouth. After lifting herself from her leather chair, she walked to the door of her office and closed it. “I am so sorry,” she said. One napkin would not be enough, so she passed me two, then leaned over the desk, which she tapped with insistent fingers. “First, why didn’t you tell me? Second, that was the last thing I thought you’d say. Does Theo know?”
“You were busy with Clara, and it’s not entirely what you think. I have not...you know. I couldn’t do that. I mean, we’re not divorced, but he’s living in the house and, well, that would be awkward, wouldn’t it? But if I had to be honest, I might be able to say...oh crap, this sounds sappy...” The words clinging to the edges of my mind sounded so tacky, so trite, but I spoke them anyway. “It might be an affair of the heart.”
“Oh. My. Word! That’s a great title!” Jackie sat back in her chair, an enormous smile filling her face, and spread her hands before her. She narrowed her eyes like she’d already formulated a book cover in her mind, the words An Affair of the Heart emblazoned at
