As she tiptoed through the house, Julianne had the strangest feeling that her mom was walking with her.
Every beam of sunlight—bouncing from one surface Julianne had scrubbed to another—seemed to have her mother all over it. Julianne crept into the living room and curled up on the couch, watching as morning spread across the beach. She felt quiet and peaceful for the first time all week.
Chapter Twenty-two
Julianne smoothed the fringe around the edge of the pillow she was clutching and tried to take deep, cleansing breaths. She could hear her father downstairs and knew it was time to face the music. Chloe was finishing up her shift at the hospital, so Julianne figured it was a good time to throw herself on her father’s mercy, admit that she was a horrible person and a dis-grace to the family, and get disowned. This way, if things went really badly, she could still be out of the house and on her way to join a circus troupe by dinnertime.
Her father was moving his bags from the foyer into his studio, rifling through some papers, when Julianne stuck her head into the room. Her heart was pounding at what could not be a healthy rate, and she was pretty sure that her knees had stopped working. Their cozy little foyer suddenly seemed menacing and dark. She took a deep breath, counted to ten (which might have been more like a count to fifty), and forced her legs to move forward.
“Hi, Dad. Welcome back. Um, can I talk to you for a second?” Julianne tried to sound upbeat as she slid down onto one of the huge cushions on the window seat, hoping to lose herself in the crevices. “I’m so sorry, Dad, but I have some things I need to tell you.” Mr. Kahn sat next to his youngest daughter.
“What’s wrong, sweetie? Are you okay?” Dad patted Julianne’s back as she took another deep breath and tried not to cry. He looked so kind and worried that Julianne felt like her heart might break all over again. She tried to steady herself for the words that had to come next. Then she took another deep breath and pulled her mop of hair up off of her neck.
Julianne began slowly. “Um, Dad, while you were gone …” She paused and looked into her father’s patient green eyes and felt her nerve begin to waver.
“While you were gone, the living room flooded. Everything is mildewed.”
Her father’s eyes moved furtively around the room, from the window seat to the bookshelves and back. “The place does look a little worse for wear,” he noted. “But it doesn’t even smell like mildew in here.”
Julianne felt her cheeks flush with guilt. “I steam cleaned.” She kept her eyes on the hem of her linen patchwork skirt.
“Jules, sweetie, I sense that you’re not telling me the whole story. Did you and Chloe throw some crazy party while I was gone?” Dad’s brow creased and he cocked his head toward his daughter.
Julianne shook her head mutely, her eyes glued to the floor.
Dad continued, “Because I seem to remember another weekend not so long ago when I returned to find there’d been a Slip ’n’ Slide–related mishap in the living room.” His voice trailed off.
“That was not a party!” Julianne blurted out. “That was performance art!” To this day, Dad had never made his daughters replace any of the vases broken during that ill-fated event, out of respect for their artistic vision.
Julianne felt a small smile creeping onto her face and didn’t try to hold it back. Smiling felt good after a week of being frozen in grief. A few tentative giggles welled up in her throat and escaped her lips.
Then, all of a sudden, the floodgates opened and all of the desperation, guilt, and sadness that Julianne had been pushing down came rushing out of her in a jumble.
“I didn’t mean to betray the family, Dad!”
“Julianne, what are you talking about? Don’t be silly!
You could never betray us.” Dad’s voice was comforting, but Julianne also heard confusion in it. She heard a clicking noise beyond the living room, but she was too focused on her confession to investigate further.
“No, really, I did. I never meant to, but I did!”
Julianne continued.
“Jules, I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about, but I do know that you could never betray us. I know how much you love your sister and me.” The kindness in Dad’s voice sent Julianne over the edge. In between sobs and gasps, the entire story of her summer romance came pouring out.
“I’m so sorry, Dad,” she finished in a great rush of tears. “I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could un-do all of it. I’m sorry for betraying the family and for betraying Mom’s memory and for everything. I’m sorry I fell in love with Remi. I didn’t mean to—I couldn’t help it. It just happened. And I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” Her blue eyes were drowning with tears as she peered up into her father’s face waiting for the worst.
Dad smiled and Julianne let out a long breath–it was her first exhale all week that hadn’t been soaked in sobs.
“I wish I could forgive you, kiddo, but I can’t.”
Julianne swallowed and felt her heart sink to her feet.
“I can’t forgive someone who doesn’t have anything to be sorry for. You haven’t done anything wrong.” Dad spoke with a quiet resolution. He looked over his daughter’s shoulder, out onto the mangled beach.
Julianne’s heart zoomed back into place and threatened to tear right through her chest.
“You’re not angry?” She said it slowly, disbelievingly.
“Julianne, I don’t have anything to be angry about.
Do I wish that
