Natasha woke later that evening, but she didn’t talk to me. I made sure my back faced outward and pretended to be asleep. I held on tight to the pillow, which smelled like Calder. Once, Eamon came in to ask if Natasha and I wanted dinner. I ignored him. All I could see in front of my eyes was Samantha’s laughing face—and the devastation her family would suffer when they learned what had happened to her.
Later, I awoke from a fitful slumber to find the cabin dark and the portholes showing a night sky and a black ocean. I could hear Walter and Uther snoring above me. Disoriented and heartsick, I got up.
I crept out of the cabin and through the galley, where Eamon and Calder slept on the makeshift bench-beds. I didn’t want to disturb either of them, so I went outside. The ocean was calm. The sky was crystal clear and alight with billions of stars. The thin, yellow crescent moon hung in the west. I sat on the back edge of the boat, let my bare feet dangle, and leaned against a chrome bar supporting the railing.
My skin prickled as the cold, misty moisture of the ocean tickled my feet. I looked over the expanse of the water with a deadened kind of longing. I didn’t know what I wanted anymore. All the hopes I had built up, all the things I had aspired to had changed. I couldn’t be what I had wished to be. How could I dedicate a career to the place that had buried my best friend?
I bowed my head and heaved a sigh. It was so peaceful out here right now. Vast, uncomplicated, and innocent. But I couldn’t enjoy it. I couldn’t bring myself to love it anymore and it hurt almost as bad as Samantha’s absence.
I heard footsteps. A moment later, Calder sat beside me. He said nothing and I didn’t acknowledge his presence. We only sat, staring at the ocean.
After a long silence, though I knew it sounded stupid, I said, “Thanks for not hating me anymore.”
He shook his head. “I never hated you,” he replied, his voice low and even.
I looked at his profile for the first time, confusion drowning out the shards of anguish. “You sure acted like you did.”
He frowned. “I wanted to. I tried to.”
Since I expected him to deny it, this surprised me even more.
“Why?” I whispered. He took a slow breath.
“I thought maybe it would get you off my mind.” His gaze remained on the ocean, his expression pained. I closed my eyes, wet my lips, and swallowed. He continued. “When I…first saw you on the beach” —he paused— “for a second I wished I wasn’t here on business. Business that had to be kept a secret.”
I stared at him, rapt, barely breathing with the hope that he’d continue.
“Then Delfina told me what you said to that glaikit idiot,” he said. I wondered who he was talking about but I didn’t dare interrupt. “The one who thought you were a mermaid.”
Oh. Brock Mallory. At the beach. When I was pretending to be a mermaid to freak him out.
Calder continued. “Even then, I wanted to talk to you. But at the same time, I hoped to never see you again. Because, well, the last time it happened...” He trailed off.
I waited for him to go on. When he didn’t, I spoke.
“You got your heart broken. I know. Cordelia told me.”
He looked at me. “What?”
“She told me I looked like some other mermaid you once knew. And that she broke your heart.”
Calder huffed and shook his head. “And all this time, you thought I acted out from a bruised ego?”
I shrugged. He sighed.
“Aeronwy was…a friend, yes. More than a friend, I admit it. But she’s the reason my father was killed.”
My mouth dropped open. I felt a new pain in my chest alongside my grief over Samantha. Why did this stuff have to hurt so much?
“She wanted to experience human life,” he said. “Her family didn’t agree. She rebelled. Got herself into a dangerous situation with some gang members. My father had to rescue her. She got out. He didn’t.”
“I’m so sorry,” I breathed, putting my hand on his forearm.
“Me too,” he replied. “I miss him a lot. So when I first met you—I wanted you out of my head. I didn’t hate you, I hated myself for—you know. Feeling the way I did. It felt like betrayal.”
He looked at me. His brow creased in sorrow. I sniffed, looked back at the dark water and wiped away a new tear. Calder’s warmer hand found mine. I leaned my head on his shoulder, wetting his shirt with my tears. He moved his arm to encircle my waist. For a while, we sat there, saying nothing, while I cried into his neck.
Soon, I sniffed and dried my eyes, and we were left again in the peace of a calm ocean.
“I’m so sorry about Samantha,” he said. I stayed silent for a moment. I didn’t know how to answer. I couldn’t say, “it’s okay.” It wasn’t okay and it wasn’t going to be okay for a long time.
Instead, I heaved a breath and said, “Me too.”
His arm squeezed around me. Rocked by the gentle waves and warmed by his arms, I soon dozed in the comfortable crook between his neck and shoulder. His fingers ran softly through a few strands of my hair. I couldn’t deny it anymore, even though I knew he was just a traveler passing through. Was I falling for Calder? I suddenly understood why Samantha had wanted to hang out with Seidon so much, even though she knew he’d move on. He’d already moved on. Soon, Calder would too. And I would have to go on without the both of them. My
