BISHOP: EVERYONE’S A MONDAY-MORNING QUARTERBACK!!!
PHYLLIS: Sorry. (There is a pause) Bishop?
BISHOP: What.
PHYLLIS: What now?
BISHOP: C’mere, slophead. (She joins him) We’ll go back.
PHYLLIS: Back?
BISHOP: Home.
PHYLLIS: Tonight?
BISHOP: Tomorrow.
(They look at each other and fall into a kiss, mutually. It is passionate.)
I’m starved.
(They look at Howard, then at each other and start to giggle.)
Don’t eat the toes!
PHYLLIS: I won’t!
BISHOP (Out): Toes are my favorite.
PHYLLIS (Out): I like privates.
BISHOP: That’s my slophead.—We’ll go back and start over and always be together.
PHYLLIS: I love you Bishop.
BISHOP: Get the salt.
(Phyllis cheerily exits, and Bishop rises and addresses the audience.)
And the next thing I remember, I was someplace else completely.
(Blackout. We hear “Save the Bones for Henry Jones.”)
ACT III
A year later. A hospital. There are two areas set up on the sand. One is a consulting room: a desk with chair, and a chair for the patient. The other is Bishop’s room: a cot and a small chest of drawers. Dr. Nestor is seated at the desk.
NESTOR: Send in Bishop Hogan.
(After a moment, Bishop enters.)
Hello.
BISHOP: Hello.
NESTOR: You are Bishop Hogan. Do you know who I am?
BISHOP: Do you know who I am?
NESTOR: I just said, you’re Bishop Hogan. I am Dr. Nestor. (Pause) Do you know why you’re here?
BISHOP: Do you know why you’re here?
NESTOR: I work here. I’m the new doctor.
BISHOP: I’m the new doctor.
NESTOR: Do you think you’re a doctor?
BISHOP: Do you think you’re a doctor?
NESTOR: I know I am.
BISHOP: I know I am.
NESTOR: I see.
BISHOP: I see.
NESTOR: I am Bishop Hogan. I am here because I murdered my parents. I killed my father and his mistress, and the next day, my mother. I am here because it was the judgment of the court that I was mentally ill at the time of these acts.
BISHOP: I am Bishop Hogan. I am here because I murdered my parents. I killed my father and his mistress, and the next day, my mother. I am here because it was the judgment of the court that I was mentally ill at the time of these acts.
NESTOR: I LIKE IT HERE.
BISHOP: I LIKE IT HERE.
NESTOR: I am all better and the psychological demons which tormented me have receded into the dark recesses of my unconscious.
BISHOP: Yeah yeah yeah, recesses, unconscious.
NESTOR: I thought you wanted to play a game.
BISHOP: Fuck you.
NESTOR: Fuck you.
BISHOP: What?
NESTOR: What?
BISHOP: Fuck off.
NESTOR: Fuck off.
BISHOP: You can’t talk to me that way.
NESTOR: YOU CAN’T TALK TO ME THAT WAY!
BISHOP: I’m the patient. You’re the doctor!
NESTOR: You’re the doctor.
BISHOP: Fuck you!
NESTOR: FUCK YOU! (Laughing) You see how irritating that can be.
BISHOP (Out): Dr. Nestor is eerily like my father.
NESTOR: Now. Shall we start over? (Pause) Hello.
BISHOP: Hello.
NESTOR: Now, you’re Bishop Hogan. Do you know who I am?
BISHOP: Fuck you.
NESTOR: That’s better.
BISHOP: You’re the new doctor?
NESTOR: Yes.
BISHOP: You remind me of my father.
NESTOR: It says here, you killed your father.
BISHOP: Yeah so and.
NESTOR: Do you remember that?
BISHOP: Like it was ten minutes ago.*
NESTOR: Why did you kill your father?
BISHOP: I was hungry.
NESTOR: Pardon me?
BISHOP: I was hungry and there was no spareribs in the kitchen.
NESTOR: Do you like Chinese food?
BISHOP: Comme ci, comme ça.
NESTOR: You killed your father in a rage over an ill-stocked refrigerator?
BISHOP: No. You moron.
NESTOR: I don’t think you should call me a moron, Bishop. I think that’s disrespectful.
BISHOP: I killed my father, to eat him. Didn’t you read that thing?
NESTOR: I meant to, but it got boring.
BISHOP: Well, that’s why I did it.
NESTOR: All right. Why did you kill your mother?
BISHOP: I didn’t.
NESTOR: I did read that far—
BISHOP: I didn’t kill my mother, you cocksucking, needlenosed dick!
NESTOR: Do you feel hostile?
BISHOP: Can we look at ink blots?
NESTOR: You don’t remember killing your mother?
BISHOP: Since I didn’t do it, why would I remember it?
NESTOR: Maybe it slipped your mind?
BISHOP: I remember things. I’m not insane.
NESTOR: Then why are you here?
BISHOP: You mean in the metaphysical sense?
NESTOR: How did your mother die, if you didn’t kill her?
BISHOP: She didn’t.
NESTOR: It says here—
BISHOP: I don’t give a shit what it says there! I didn’t write that! It’s not true.
NESTOR: So you think the other doctors are liars?
BISHOP: Yes.
NESTOR: And the judge?
BISHOP: Yes!
NESTOR: And the police?
BISHOP: Yes!!
NESTOR: And the courtroom stenographer?
BISHOP: Yes!!!
NESTOR: And the mortician?
BISHOP: YES!!!
NESTOR: And the undertaker?
BISHOP: YES!!
NESTOR: And me and Miss Fitch and the embalmer and the man who carved the headstone and the people from CNN and Geraldo?!
BISHOP: YES! YES! YES! A BUNCH OF FILTHY-FUCKING- FREAKASSED LIARS!
(Phyllis enters. She looks composed and well-kept, as she did at the start of the play.)
PHYLLIS: Bishop.
BISHOP (Rushing to Phyllis): Mommy.
PHYLLIS: Calm down, Bishop.
BISHOP: They think you’re dead.
PHYLLIS: Don’t be absurd—stand up straight.
BISHOP: It’s starting again. They’re saying you’re dead.
PHYLLIS: Do I look dead?
BISHOP: You’re standing up.
PHYLLIS: Do I sound dead?
BISHOP: What do dead people sound like?
PHYLLIS: Not like this.
BISHOP: They say that I killed you.
PHYLLIS: That’s not true.
BISHOP: I love you.
PHYLLIS: Why would you kill me?
BISHOP: I wouldn’t.
PHYLLIS: I know that.
BISHOP: Why do they keep saying it then?
PHYLLIS: They’re incredibly stupid.
BISHOP: All of them?
PHYLLIS: Yes. They want to make you feel bad so they feel better themselves. They’re insecure. They know they’re stupid and they want to bolster their egos. They’re jealous of us.
BISHOP: What should I do?
PHYLLIS: What would Katharine Hepburn do?
BISHOP: Re-re-rely on her Yankee strength.
PHYLLIS: That’s right.
BISHOP: Th-th-that’s what I’ll do then.
PHYLLIS: And don’t tell them anything. Don’t give away your secrets. They’ll use them against you. They’ll judge you like God. Which they have no business doing.
BISHOP: I love you Mommy.
PHYLLIS: Why would you kill me? Don’t chew gum.
(Phyllis and Bishop embrace. Popo enters wearing a bathrobe and sits on the cot.)
NESTOR: Send in Popo Martin, please.
(Popo rises and addresses the audience. She is very cheerful.)
POPO: I am Popo Martin. My friends call me Popo Martin. Dr. Nestor says I’m a paranoid schizophrenic. I think I have Marnie’s disease. You know, like Tippi Hedren in that movie. When I see red, I see red! I mean, I have
