‘What are people saying?’
‘Nothing.’
She’s only eleven. I know I’ve got to cool it a bit, but I’m like, ‘Ava!’
When I wind her up, she runs upstairs and says, ‘I’m not talking to you any more.’ Until five minutes later she will come back down and go, ‘Mam and Dad love me more’ – especially if they’re out of the room.
I say, ‘Will you stop saying that, Ava?’
‘They tell me all the time when you’re not here. Dad said that I’m his favourite, sorry.’
‘Really?’
‘Yeah, he loves me more.’
‘The thing is, he might love you more, but he’s had fifteen more years with me.’
‘What?’
‘I mean, that’s OK. You’ve only been in his life eleven years, but I’ve been in it twenty-seven. We had a full fifteen years without you.’
‘Why do you always say that?’ And she’ll storm out.
‘Come on, Ava, I’m only joking.’
Then she retaliates by shouting from the top of the stairs: ‘Yes, but he said it was the worst fifteen years of his life before I came along.’
She’s hilarious. Honestly, she’s the funniest person I know. But she still manages to wind all of us up. For instance, as soon as he’s finished with a cup of tea, my dad will just put it down on the floor. She’ll go, ‘Finished with that, Dad?’
‘Yes.’
‘Oh, does this look like the kitchen?’
‘I just finished it.’
‘Go and put it away in the dishwasher then.’ She’s like a little mam.
My mam rang us yesterday and said, ‘I’ve been laughing at Ava all day.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I was telling her that I am the funniest person in the world and Ava was going, “No, Mam, you’re not funny at all. Anthony in our class is funnier than you. He has never told a joke in his life, and he is still funnier than you.”’
Because Ava is so angelic and smiley, she just gets away with it. I’ll go in the house, and she’ll say, ‘You look different, don’t you?’
‘Oh, in what way?’
‘Just in certain ways.’
‘Don’t prolong this, Ava, just say it.’
‘No, no, Mam always tells me that if I haven’t got anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.’
Or my mam will ask, ‘Do I look fat?’
And Ava will reply, ‘I wouldn’t say you’re “not” fat, but you’re definitely not a fatty. No honestly, Mam, you’re not fat – you are just … easier to see.’
‘Oh.’
Some of my friends have got kids of their own, and I always feel like I’ve got the best of having a child. I get to spend time with her and do loads of fun things. But then I also get to give her back and say to my parents, ‘There you are. I’ve had her for a full weekend.’
She comes down to stay with me in London quite a bit. When I lived in Newcastle, she used to come over for sleepovers all the time. She’s always told Mam that she needs to buy her a big suitcase for her fourteenth birthday. Mam was like, ‘Why?’
‘Because I’m going to live with Scarlett.’
She says that all the time. I don’t know where she’s got fourteen from, but she always says, ‘Remember, for my fourteenth birthday, I want a big suitcase, so I can put all my things in because I’ll be moving in with Scarlett.’
Of course, a big suitcase isn’t going to be enough for all her stuff from her massive bedroom, but she doesn’t care. She’s got two bedrooms now. That’s right, I don’t even get a Harry Potter cupboard now I’m officially an adult. So she’s got her chill-out zone room now.
When I went back home recently, Ava had got loads of these dog stickers and she had stuck them all over the wall of her chill room. She’s got posters of the ‘fluffiest dogs’ top ten. So there are pugs and chihuahuas everywhere. I was like, ‘What is this? I can’t bring the girls round here for pre-drinks when we’ve got these pug stickers staring at us. Jesus.’
So she’s now colonised my room as well. And every time I go home now, she always stops in the bed with me, and we top and tail. So now I can’t even go home and sleep in the bed by myself. You’re made to feel guilty because she’ll knock on the door and say, ‘I’m going to bed now. Can we––?’
‘No, Ava. I just want to sleep by myself.’
‘OK, then. I mean I hardly get to see you, but it’s fine.’
‘It’s just you’re eleven now.’
‘Yeah, it’s fine, I just missed you.’
‘All right then.’ I always give in because she’s such a good guilt-tripper.
On other occasions, Ava will be so dramatic and start coughing and grabbing her throat as if she’s choking.
‘What’s the matter?’ I ask.
‘Nothing.’
‘What are you doing that voice for?’
‘I just feel really dehydrated. My mouth is like a desert.’
‘What do you want to drink then?’ Because she won’t go and get herself one – she’ll just moan and moan and moan.
‘Oh, just get me an orange juice. Two ice cubes.’
And we do it. I mean, we’ve only got ourselves to blame because we do it.
My mam messaged me just this morning about Ava. This is what I mean about my little sister. Mam said, ‘Oh my God, your sister is being a rebel.’ Mam had got an email, saying: ‘Attention, Dear Animal Jam Parent. This email is being sent in regards to your child’s account, Funny Wolf. This email is to inform you that the Funny Wolf account has been suspended for twenty-four hours because of inappropriate behaviour that violated the Animal Jam rules.’
It was something about gifting. You’re not allowed to just ask someone, ‘Can you please give us an animal?’ They’ve just got to give you it. But Ava writes in code. So she will write her request in coded numbers. She’s so good. She learnt from the best.
Animal Jam have
