Everything happens for a reason and fingers crossed in fifty years I will be sat with the love of my life, in a garden with a donkey called Aurora, being proper pensioners, drinking cups of tea, dunking digestives, moaning about the weather and saying phrases like, ‘We only had one dishwasher back in my time, bloody kids these days, they don’t know they’re born.’ Some people (me included) had an image of what the man of my dreams should look like, but I didn’t realise that by having a specific type in my head I was turning everyone down who didn’t quite reach up to that image. I was letting so many incredible people pass me by. I mean I’d met Luke before and let him go by; if only I had made the leap of faith the first time we met we could have been celebrating our fourth anniversary by now.
So whatever makes you happy – dating, not dating, relationship status: taken or relationship status: single – just be you! As some genius once said:
‘Be weird, be random, be who you are.
Because you never know who would love
the person you hide.’
Chapter Twenty-three
CROSS MY PALM WITH SILVER
The pyramids were originally covered with casing stones made of highly polished white limestone. Because of this, it is said that the pyramids could have been seen from the mountains in Israel and maybe even from the moon.
When Stephen Hawking was nine, he was ranked the worst student of the class (bet he doesn’t lose sleep over that school report).
Mystic Meg the astrologist’s real name is actually Margaret Anne Lake.
Now call me Mystic Meg and cross my palm with silver, but I kinda predicted the future. You may want to book me for some tarot card reading and crystal chakra realness once you’ve read this, so hold on to your horoscopes. In April 2016, I released my last book Scarlett Says (where I basically just chatted about my thoughts on everything from Jeremy Clarkson to the moon landings). In it I did a little section on ‘Dream jobs: five jobs I would love to do’.
Obviously being Ant and Dec’s sidekick was up there. I quote: ‘Imagine hanging out with those boys all day and having a laugh. I would love it.’ Well, in response to Scarlett from the past here’s Scarlett from the future: ‘You will love it, it is a great laugh and how the fuck did you manage to make this happen?’
Another job I said I would have loved was a radio presenter. I wrote that I would ‘chat shit all day and finish work by lunchtime, it would be mint’. Now in response to that I can now say: ‘It’s a lot harder than it seems. It is an amazing job, but only once you’ve managed to prise your eyes open – as they’re stuck together with sleep from waking up when the moon’s shining – and you’ve had your first three cups of tea and half a packet of chocolate digestives.’
Now one that didn’t quite come true but I’m putting it on this list as I feel that I am one step closer to getting an interview for this job is ‘Stephen Hawking’s assistant’. I have so many questions and I feel like he could answer them for me, plus if I was his assistant people would take my outlook on some theories seriously instead of looking at me with a blank expression.
So when I was doing I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here!, me, Adam and Lisa were chatting about Egypt so I thought I’d pass on my views about how I think the pyramids were made.
‘I proper believe that the fact the pyramids are there is proof of time travel. I watched this documentary and then read up about it loads after, and Stephen Hawking has said it would be possible to travel back in time; we would just need to go faster than the speed of light.’
Lisa and Adam seemed genuinely interested so I continued.
‘Now the speed of light is exactly the same number as the coordinates of the Great Pyramid of Giza – which is 299,792 [the speed of light is actually 299, 792, 458 metres per second, and the coordinates of the pyramid are 29.9792458°N]. Now this cannot be a coincidence. Also the pyramid lines up exactly to the star consolation Orion’s Belt. How would the Egyptians know that so many years ago?’
Now at this point Adam is proper interested.
‘Yeah, I actually sent my idea of what all this means to Stephen Hawking but I never got a response,’ I continued. ‘Coz I think the pyramids are from the future, I think someone from the future realised we would need them and went back in time and built them, maybe as a navigation system to get from the Orion’s Belt. Or maybe the hieroglyphics are actually how we write in the future, I mean really they’re just big emojis. Who even writes “I’m laughing” in a text any more? You don’t, you just put the laughing face emoji.’
Lisa was really confused, not about my theory but how I managed to find Stephen Hawking’s details. ‘But how did you manage to find out how to get in touch with him?’
‘Well, after spending most of my day trying to find his contact details I found an email address on Google: [email protected]. So to be honest, on reflection, I don’t think it was his account. I can’t really imagine him having hotmail.’
So
