The greatest school trip I ever went on was when I was ten years old and we went to Eden Camp. Now Eden Camp occupies a former Second World War prisoner-of-war camp of thirty-three huts. This camp is full to the brim of old war memorabilia, ration books, Nazi uniforms and images of Hitler. Scarlett, how is this your favourite school trip? Well, it was at Eden Camp, surrounded by all the horror of the Nazis, where I had my first ever kiss. How romantic, I hear you cry.
The teacher had forced the class to sit girl/boy on the coach to stop us all from messing around. I was put next to Christopher Minns. He wasn’t the coolest of kids but he was still quite popular. He was well liked due to his vast collection of shiny Pokémon cards that he would swap. It’s my first ever recollection of actually sitting and chatting to a boy for more than five minutes, and even if it was forced, I felt like it was fate. Christopher was just lovely; he had shaved brown hair, a tan and everybody said he looked like a young Mr Bean (not Sean Bean, the actual Mr Bean as portrayed by Rowan Atkinson).
We chatted for the full hour and a half of the journey about the important stuff in life – what we liked to watch on TV, our favourite takeaway, etc. We even shared a dislike of a couple of people in our class (nothing brings people closer together than the shared dislike of another human). I found out he loved Goosebumps as much as me, and he had been to see Steps in concert too with his little sister. He showed me this trick where he turned his eyelids inside out and I showed him my trick of saying the alphabet backwards really fast. This was my first experience of a date and I was loving it. At one point I remember I found myself laughing at jokes he was telling, even though they weren’t funny. What had I become?
The coach pulled up to Eden Camp and I knew that was our relationship over; he would scoot off to his friends and I’d tag along with Rosie and her mates again. But no, he asked if he could be my partner around Eden Camp. I’d never felt this feeling before. I could hear my heart beat and had a sudden urge to give him a cuddle. But I didn’t, I kept my cool. ‘Sure, I’ll be your partner.’
As we walked around I gave Christopher Minns some insightful extra facts that weren’t on the leaflet we had been handed. I was trying to be cute. ‘Did you know, Christopher, that during rationing, adults weren’t even allowed a real-life egg, just one packet of dried eggs every month?’
‘You are so clever, Scarlett,’ he said, then he mumbled these beautiful words that I shall never forget: ‘I love how you have your hair like Pippi Longstocking in those plaits.’ With that, in bunker number three, surrounded by old newspaper clippings with the creepy ambience of wartime music playing in the background, he kissed me on the cheek. I wanted to scream, I couldn’t believe it. A boy liked me, for me. My face flushed crimson and we held hands (well at least whenever the teacher wasn’t looking) for the rest of the day.
That night at home, lying in bed, I started planning our wedding and wondering if I’d miss being a Moffatt now I was going to be Scarlett Minns. On the plus, at least I’d get to keep the same initials – SM. I named the three dogs that Christopher and I would have: Rosie, Jim and Rag Doll. I imagined our mansion (we could afford this as Christopher would find a rare shiny Pokémon card and it would be worth millions).
Sadly that illusion was shattered the next day at school when he completely ignored me. It was just a school trip romance, apparently. I was gutted but it did give me that confidence boost I needed to keep on just being me. About a week later he had a new relationship (the dickhead). In fact, he started going out with none other than Stacey Vaughn (yep, the bitch that stole the role of Mary away from me) but I’m not bitter. In the words of RuPaul:
‘Don’t get bitter, just get better.’
Chapter Three
IF YOU LIKE PIÑA COLADAS AND GETTING CAUGHT IN THE RAIN
There’s no tooth fairy in Spain – when Spanish children lose a tooth, they put it under their pillow and a small mouse called Ratoncito Pérez comes to collect it and leaves a small gift or money in its place.
Dolphins and whales have belly buttons (weird I know, but not weirder than the fact that goldfish have teeth in their throats).
James Blunt recorded his first album while living with Carrie Fisher. ‘Goodbye My Lover’ was recorded in her bathroom!
Even though I loved school, I loved the six weeks off even more, because it meant me and the family would be going on our jolly holidays. These have varied through the years from camping out, to caravan parks, to bathing on the sunny beaches of Europe. Wherever we would go, despite being slightly shy, I would partake in whatever kids’ club was on offer. I would make a new best friend, adopt whatever accent they had (Liverpudlian, Cockney, even Swiss) and pack my case at the end of the holiday with endless certificates and bits of shite arts and crafts I had made.
The first ever holiday I can properly remember snippets of was a week in Spain – Salou to be exact. I got my new passport
