Another blow to my heart, I wanted that baby, and I still want it regardless of who the father is, but I feel like I’m ripping apart from the inside out. I love Ivy and I don’t see anyone else ever taking her place, but that doesn’t mean she hasn’t completely destroyed me. It’s going to take some time to put myself back together but I want to be there for her and this child.
My child.
I drag myself off the floor and begin to figure out a plan. I have a lot of money saved and I could put off college for a few more years. I can start looking for a house, my car will have to go because it’s small, and I will have to start telling my family.
Mom will be disappointed but she’ll be proud of me for doing all the things my father never did for her. That’s the bar I must pass to change the cycle and I will do it all gladly. No child should ever be without both parents if it can be avoided and I want to one day have a family, I’m ready even if it’s sooner than I planned.
I grab a Monster Energy Drink and head up to my room, thankfully it faces the driveway. I plant my ass at the seat in front of it and watch for any sort of activity. I won’t let my family fall prey to the evil bits of Whitsborough.
That includes Ivy and that little heartbeat inside of her, too.
This show I’m watching with Saxon is doing fuck all to distract me from my frantic thoughts. I want to make sure Neil is safe as well as Amelia and Shay, but I can’t do anything from this house. They’re sitting there in that house with a menacing predator at their doorstep. My warning will do nothing for them if he decides to really retaliate against me.
This child inside of me is my only bargaining chip and if I agree to terminate it, then he says he will leave me alone. I would only have the word of a rapist to rely on. He may never leave me alone, maybe he will decide that raping me is a great fucking past time, and since he got away with it once, why not keep doing it?
My dilemma? Is the tiny life inside of me worth more than all the others here, living and breathing? Who holds priority? Are Shay and Amelia less important because they aren’t my flesh and blood? What about my own family? Do they deserve to live in constant fear for a life not yet born into this world?
Another dilemma? Do I even want to bring a child into this turmoil? I can never guarantee a complete family unit. I may very well be a single mother like my grandmother was to my mother and life may be hard, too hard for such an innocent child.
“Saxon,” I turn my head and look at my brother, “what’s the perfect family?”
“An imperfect one.” He answers immediately, “families with flaws and hardships end up being stronger and more resilient.”
“That makes sense, like our family.”
“Nothing like our family.” He laughs, “maybe Mom and Dad’s families, but ours was a walk in the park.”
I want to scream at his answer because nothing I’ve been through has ever been a walk through the fucking park. From the moment Nana Jenna died, my life has been a never-ending uphill battle and some of that was brought on by my own actions, but the abuse was always their decision.
At least he’s had an easy life and Dahlia, too. Maybe my bringing this child into theirs will also teach them another important message. My hand absently strokes my flat belly and I try to imagine it big and round, filled with a moving little human.
“I’m tired,” Saxon states and rolls off my bed, “I’m going to sleep.”
“Okay.”
He walks out and throws a quick “love you” over his shoulder. I turn off my TV and roll over in bed, Neil is always on my mind and right now I hope he’s okay.
Me: Is everything okay?
When I don’t receive an answer, I try to cuddle into my blankets, and attempt to sleep. Then my phone pings and I am scrambling to see his answer, only it’s not him.
Officer Asshole: Your boyfriend is a charmer. He told me all about fucking you.
What?
Officer Asshole: I think it’s time we discuss what needs to be done.
Neil spoke to him? About me?
Me: Back off, Adam. I make my own decisions.
Thankfully after that, my phone stays silent and I finally fall into a fitful sleep.
I need to get to Neil’s house. I have been trapped in mine for four days and I know if I don’t get answers to my texts soon, I will explode. I need to know if Adam is still working his detail and if anything more is being said about me.
Mom and Dad have been quiet and we don’t see anyone else, being trapped in this house is seriously an inconvenience to me right now. Dad just came home about half an hour ago so I know Neil is home and even though I messaged him-again-I am getting no reply. Are we back at square one?
Mom is still out but that’s been normal this week, she gets in after I’m sleeping. I look out the window in my room and see a cop car sitting in the driveway. It’s not impossible to get out of the house right now but it will be difficult and I’ll have to walk my ass out in this cold weather. I know all the blind spots of our surveillance and I long ago created a getaway for the nights I wanted to party.
My fourteen-year-old self found that if I go out through Saxon’s bedroom
